Things were glorious in our relationship for maybe a year. We had sex like rabbits, and it was good. But I realized I had to fix Suz's shame. She had body image issues, too.
About a year into our marriage, she was sitting on the couch, and I came up behind her. She was looking at high heels, which was crazy, because as far as I knew, she had never worn them.
I asked her what she was looking at, and she got red faced and embarrassed, like I'd caught her looking at something wrong. She stuttered and stammered, clearly having trouble. I told her it was OK, and we needed to talk. We'd worked out a system after I'd moved in to her townhouse, where we would get naked, and sit, legs intertwined, facing each other in the master closet, lights off. It sounds crazy and weird, but it was very intimate, and in the dark, you couldn't see facial expressions. More importantly, it worked for us.
After a minute, she asked me, "You've never told me anything about your time in college."
"I know. I told you when you wanted details, to ask, and I would tell you anything you wanted to know, full honesty, no editing, all details."
"I... can't decide if I want to know."
"Is it because you're struggling with the idea of me having sex with other people? Or is it the sex itself?"
"100% the people, but yeah, the sex too, I guess. I just feel... dirty."
"OK, what's wrong with that?"
"Doesn't that mean it's wrong? That's what feeling dirty means, right?"
I sighed. "Feeling dirty means it's usually against widely accepted societal norms. You know this. You're really struggling with being your own person. Of accepting who you are, and what you feel. If we are 100% honest, and we talk through our feelings, our desires, our needs, it's the only way to be happy. If we want to truly be coupled together on a fundamental level, you have to trust me, and tell me what you want. Tell me your kinks. Tell me what makes you hot. I promise I respect you, and if it's the worst thing I've ever heard, I'm not going to make fun of you, I'll just tell you I can't do that. But if it's something I don't have any feelings on, I promise to do it. And if it's something I'm into, we've just hit the jackpot, right?"
"You swear to me?"
I leaned forward and kissed her. Then I pulled back. "Susan, I promise to fulfill whatever dirty slut kink you have, and further promise I will never kink shame you."
"Really? 'Dirty slut kink?'"
Now, I should mention that Suz is a voracious reader, but especially romance, science fiction, and fantasy. I've noticed that lately, a lot of her romance books are borderline porn. But I decide to mention something from one of her favorite books, Dune.
"Yep. You need to learn to accept who you are, despite what someone you don't know thinks. What matters is what I think, right? I want you to remember that famous saying from Dune, 'fear is the mind killer'."
I hear her breathing. Ragged. She's probably crying. This is hard, but she needs to hear it.
"Suz, I love you more than I ever have loved anyone before, and I'm sure of that. I want to spend my life with you, grow old with you, and have fantastic hot sex adventures every day. Fear is the mind killer. You feel fear. You feel hot, you feel cold. But you control your feelings. When you're scared, you think why, and push through."
"Thank you. I love you too. Fear is the mind killer."
"Yes. We need to trust each other. Who gives two shits what someone else thinks about what we do in the privacy of our bedroom? I want excitement. I want to enjoy sex, and I want you to enjoy it too. Do you remember the first time we had sex after we saw each other on the Quad? You grabbed my hair and rammed your pussy into my face! Tell me you didn't love what I was doing to you. Tell me you didn't love fucking me in public! In a study pod no less! After we hadn't seen each other in years!"
I hear her breathe deeply. "You're right. You're right. It's just... hard."
"Not right now it isn't."
She punches me. "Be serious."
"I am. I want you to feel around inside yourself, feel what makes you hot, then tell me, so I can do all those things to you. I will never do them if I don't know to do them, right?"
"I really can't believe I did those things. Did they really excite you?"
"Hell yes! I want a life filled with those moments."
