I woke, mildly hungover, and alone in bed.
I just laid there and thought for a few minutes.
"
You, my friend, need to have a talk with your wife," I said to myself, that odd clarity of a morning-after hangover helping me focus.
I lay there, thinking, with that conversation with myself running through my mind.
Men and women are different. I knew that. And I realized that what I was doing, the sex I was engaged in as casual as masturbating, was a male approach. But I was, well, sensitive enough to know it was different for her. So we needed to talk before we passed some point of no return, if, in fact, we hadn't already done that.
So I gathered my energy, rolled out of bed, and went to the bathroom. Bladder empty and teeth brushed, I went in search of my bride.
Okay, that's overdramatic. In a 10 X 50 trailer, there wasn't much "searching" needed. I followed my nose to the source of the coffee aroma and found Monica sitting at the little table, dressed in a T-shirt, her hair unbrushed, smelling of last night's sex.
I poured a cup of coffee, sat next to her, and just looked.
Still cute as hell, even looking a little rough after the night we'd had.
She was looking down as if there was something in her coffee cup that she had never seen before and she wanted to memorize it.
Finally, I reached across the table and brushed the back of her hand with my fingers.
"Tell me," I said.
"Tell you what?" she asked, finally looking up and meeting my eyes.
I smiled then, relieved somehow to be having the conversation.
"Tell me what you're thinking about, well, 'swinging,'" I said.
She held my eyes for a long time, unblinking, her face blank.
Finally, she took a deep breath and started talking.
Monica's Tale
I grew up in a large family. There were nine kids, me, five sisters, and three brothers, in a small, four-bedroom house that Daddy had made usable by setting the attic up as sort of a dormitory for the boys. I was six when I heard my oldest sister talking to the next oldest, telling her how she was pregnant.
I couldn't decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing by listening to them. She seemed frightened but also, well, kind of glad. But they saw me and shooed me away so I'm not sure where that conversation went.
She was married three months later and we all breathed a sigh of relief. There was room, well, there was less crowding, and there was a chance you could get to one of two bathrooms without hoping you could hold it long enough to not wet yourself.
I was seven when I walked in on the next sister with her boyfriend balls deep in her.
She was married four months later.
So when I got my period and, you know, my hair, well, it just seemed natural to say "yes" to the first boy who asked.
Neither of us was, you know, "experienced," and it was awkward in the back seat of his car. It was painful too and he was done in about 30 seconds and that was it.
I was surprised when I got my next period. So far, three of my sisters had turned up pregnant. It seemed natural to me, but I didn't catch and, well, after my attempt, I was kind of off of boys for a while.
The next boy, well, I said "no" twice but then said yes.
I had no pills, no condoms, no diaphragm, and no IUD. I was raised pretty strictly Catholic, complete with the nuns in school and the pleated plaid skirt and all. Birth control wasn't in my, well, my frame of reference I guess you'd say.
But, again, it was awkward and uncomfortable, and I didn't catch.
By then I had followed the family tradition and was spending a year with my aunt. I was in my senior year in high school and after midterms, my one girlfriend and I went to a post-midterm party. I got drunk and then got passed around like a, well, like a joint or something. That was my first time smoking pot too.
And for all of the sex that night, well, it was still uncomfortable and quick and I cried myself to sleep later, just sure that I was knocked up now and wouldn't have any idea at all whose it was.
So I was off of boys. I felt cheap and used and still hadn't understood what others meant when they talked about the pleasure they got from sex. Hell, all I got was sore.
And then I met you, David.
I almost said "No" when Samantha told me she'd like me to go on a blind date. I could picture some boy like I'd been with before, saying "Hi" and grabbing for my ass or something.
But you were different, David.
She smiled at me and brushed the back of my hand with her fingers.
You were older, and seemed, well, "sophisticated" with your junior college big words and talking about Tolkien. And you called me "kitten," and I thought that was so sweet.
But mostly, you were a gentleman, and emphasis on the "man" in gentle
man
. You were just different from the boys I had been with.
And then, to top it off, when you took me home it was just a sweet little good-night kiss and a promise to call.
She smiled again, took a drink from her coffee, and went on.
When I talked to Sammee the next day I told her I guessed you didn't like me. But she said she had talked to Carl, her boyfriend, and your friend, you know? And Carl told her that you liked me.
She giggled.
God, I sound like a junior high school girl. But that's the way I was feeling.