Christopher Botham, a Roman-nose Englishman now residing in Manhattan, was in an early marriage crisis and perhaps as to be expected, regarded it as fundamentally not of his making.
A mere sixty days after the wedding, his wife Anna, a secondary school teacher, had announced adamantly that having sex twice a day was no longer an option.
Chris's mouth froze hanging open.
He couldn't believe it; is wife was being unreasonable.
"Well say something," she said sounding irritated and sucking a lock of her blonde hair.
"Ouch," the 33-year managed.
Anna, who was two years younger with a broad nose and full lips, sighed and began leaving the room but turned when he called stop.
"What's bought on this unexpected edict?"
Anna stepped closer and said it hadn't been unexpected for her. She'd been thinking about it for four days since they arrived home drunkenly after a very wet midday lunch and practically collapsed after a long bout of wall-to-wall sex.
"I was involved and claim it was merely vigorous sex," corrected the university lecturer on Victorian English (British) literature.
Anna dismissed that saying she could scarcely walk because her ass had been sore and she'd felt humiliated when her fellow co-owner of the Pharmacy asked was she suffering piles. She'd spent most of the morning yawning and gulping water because she was so dehydrated.
"I wasn't responsible for your dehydration. You were drunk and sweating like a pig and I've never said you can't drink water when we are having sex."
She ignored that of course, having no winning answer.
Instead she gritted, "Chris I look after my body meticulously and the amount of heavy sex we are having can only age me before my time. From now on we engage in sex only once a week.
"What?" Chris croaked in shock and screamed "Christ!"
Anna lost her nerve in the face of such emotional intensity. She quavered that she'd meant twice a week and never on consecutive days.
Rage rose within her husband, believing she was intent on turning him into a five-days-a week eunuch. How could any woman be so heartless?
"Get out of here while I continue marketing student papers. Don't talk to me again until you have rationalized your thinking and we then commence a proper discussion about this."
She flounced out, slamming the door and he thought she'd now be packing a bag and would be off to her family home. There she'd consult her mother and suck up for sympathy and work out what to do next.
Ten minutes later she yelled "You ape" and the front door slammed.
If he were acting like an ape, then what was she, an 18-year old stroppy teen attempting to partly return being a virgin?
Chris, a sturdy thick-shouldered and black-haired character with an academic streak apparently inherited from his maternal grandmother, was from a wealthy farming family in Surrey, England. He'd been invited to apply for the position in the department of education and communication he now held at the same university in Manhattan a year after he'd completed his Ed.D. in curriculum/instruction.
He'd resettled easily enough back into American culture and six months after returning he went to a party. After midnight when hair and pants were 'let down' so to speak the usual outbreak of mass group sex became the climax of the evening and one of the several blondes he'd dicked said to him she liked his cultured English accent.
Obviously she was drunk or drugged or both but had moved her butt athletically.
Two nights later the blonde with the agile butt called him and identified herself as Anna Lancaster who lived with her family in Upper West Side. He parents were partners in a small Manhattan law firm.
Anna didn't come right out with it and say he was the best fuck she'd ever had. Instead she said sounding impressed that she'd really enjoyed the short but explosive time she'd spent with him on the floor and perhaps they should date.
They dated and were very couth to one another.
That was a change to some of the relationships Chris had been having with American females who appeared grossly self-centred but he blamed that on his inability to make good choices for girlfriends because stupidly his focus had been on their sexual potential.
Anna's parents and younger sister and brother made a fuss of him and the older sister Sloane and her husband Leroy liked him enough to invite Anna and Chris to double date.
Eventually when Anna and Chris out strolling on warm evenings Anna began looking in the windows of jewellery shops until Chris, confident at getting another 3-year contract at the university, asked tentatively should they become engaged.
Immediately he was dragged into the jewellery shop where Anna had been window shopping.
And now, after initially some very happy times, Christopher was coming to the conclusion his marriage to Anna had been a huge mistake.
The next morning Anna's mom Sylvia Lancaster called and invited Chris for dinner that night and came right out and said she was attempting to manage a positive reconciliation.
That comment gave Chris a leg in and he asked, "How many times a week when in your mid-thirties would you and Edward have had sex Sylvia?"
Chris held his nerve and waited.
"That was almost an outrageous question," she replied, stalling.
"Nevertheless will you answer?"
"Possibly five, sometime more I'd think."
"Hmmm."
She rallied and said she could guess what he was thinking.
"I'm happy to hear that and that places you in the best position to be the pivotal negotiator."
"Oh no, I'm not being dragged into this."
"Then what was your motivating for calling me; were you worried I might go hungry?"
"You are talking like a negotiating attorney young man and I'm quite surprised at that."
"Well that's friendly of you. Now please answer this: has Anna complained my penis is too big for her?"
Sylvia said not at all and had felt it her duty to put that question to Anna and neither had her daughter complained that Chris acted unduly roughly with her.
"Thanks Sylvia as that clears the air on those points.
He lied, "Unfortunately I can't come to dinner tonight as I have a faculty function to attend."
"What about tomorrow evening?"
"That will be fine and my hope is that Anna will return home with me. Bye Sylvia."
"Goodbye and thank you for making this call so much easier that I'd expected."
Chris smiled, pocketing his phone, hoping that the delay in going to dinner would give Sylvia more time to steer Anna into accepting that there were two people at the centre of this issue and not just herself.
Unfortunately heart-warming resolution did not eventuate.
Next evening when they had been placed in a room together, Anna presented two conditions for returning home. They were that Chris accepted they engage in sex no more than twice a week and that they would continue to sleep in the same bed together.
Chris said he could not accept the first condition but was willing to have it left open for further negation and yes they could continue sleeping together and living normally together in all other ways.
"Mom!" Anna called loudly and Sylvia came in smiling.
Anna reported the partial impasse accurately and asked her mother what she should do.
"Dear just accept the condition as modified by Chris. You are still in square one but at least that's an improvement than being locked in a total impasse. Either one or both of you may soften in attitude in the meanwhile on that matter that remains open for discussion."
"Okay mom and thanks for keeping your cool Chris. Let's have dinner and we'll go home early. Um mom what has dad said about this issue, I mean really."
