On the Sunday I broke up with Nick.
I couldn't in good conscience continue our relationship when I was acting like I had with Ryan and David. That was one element of my decision, and the other was that both of those men had shown me what sex could be and I badly wanted the chance to enjoy it without the guilt that had been associated with my prior experiences.
It wasn't an easy break up, and when he started to cry I did too. I told myself that if I loved him as I said I did then I wouldn't have done the things I had. Of course I didn't tell him what I'd done - that his brother had fucked me twice and two days before I'd been fucked through the night by a man twice my age. Instead I told him that I needed time and space while we were still young. He fought for us, and I was even half tempted to keep the illusion going, but I knew it was over.
With a heavy heart I left his halls of residence and returned home a single, yet hopeful, woman.
I didn't know what I wanted next, not really. But for the next month I spent at least two nights a week with David. After our first time I had wondered whether it was the mix of alcohol and the taboo nature of our coupling that had made it so good, but I quickly discovered that wasn't the case - he was just a very experienced and passionate lover.
Maybe it was the mix of feelings I had from my youth for him, crossed with the intimacy we had started to share, but the more I coupled with him the more I thought I might be falling in love with him. I knew it was quick and foolish to even think it, but he was so handsome and thoughtful and I'd never felt so good during sex as I did with him.
After six weeks it ended. During one session in his bed on a Friday night, the words just croaked out of me unbidden. I wasn't even sure I had meant them - I still don't - but once words are said they cannot be unsaid. When we were both finished, his cum once again seeping from my pussy, he lay across from me with a kind smile on his face.
"You're not in love with me Polly," he whispered, hands tracing across my freckled arm.
His condescending tone annoyed me and my brow almost immediately furrowed.
"Why can't I be?" I snapped at him.
"Because you're mixing the physical act up with emotions. I... maybe I've been stupid in letting this go on as long as I have. This isn't healthy though, and it can't go anywhere. Your parents... they'd never allow it."
"I don't care!" I wailed, feeling tears sting my eyes. "I do love you David. I know I do."
He hushed me with a deep hug and I knew there were no words that could convince him otherwise. I should have known from his past that it was likely to happen, but in the heartbreak of my breakup with Nick I had thought that maybe there was a future with David. One where my parents would see how happy we made one another and they would understand how and why it had happened.
It had all been lies though. As my mother had always said - a leopard never changes its spots.
I didn't sleep with him again that night or ever again, instead taking the spare room I should have taken when I first came to his home alone. Angry after arguing with David, where he called me a silly girl, and with this heartbreak adding to what I was already going through, I went into a relatively destructive period of trying to find validation with little care to who got in my way.
Mostly that was by taking strangers back to mine at the end of the many nights out I had, but while it was better sex than it had been with Nick, it never really gave me the satisfaction I was craving. Almost everyone I took to bed were perfectly serviceable lovers, but perfectly serviceable wasn't what I was looking for.
Truth be told, I wasn't sure what I was looking for.
Oddly, the most satisfaction I had got was by myself. Now single, I had bought myself a toy with which to play with (with some embarrassment on my part when I entered the sex shop to purchase it) and found it to hit the spot, so to speak, when alone.
It's effect was only exacerbated when I would hear my housemate and her boyfriend fuck in the room next to mine. Katie wasn't shy of being noisy and apparently Danny was very good at making her noisy. Often during their sessions my own moans would join their's as I imagined Ryan or David fucking me, Danny's grunts making the experience more real until eventually Danny replaced them in my fantasy more and more.
In a time when I used others and others used me, Danny was kind to me and kept me safe on nights out. It made me feel a little more wholesome in a time when I felt anything but. And that kindness added to his good looks - he had emerald green eyes with floppy dark hair, and while he wasn't especially ripped or bulky, he wasn't in bad shape at all. But really it was his personality that really attracted me to him.
He was very off limits though and I was sure I wasn't his type. Katie was dark-haired, wide hipped and had large tits. And while I wasn't exactly lacking in the breast department, I was also skinny and freckled and red-haired. That and after the guilt of what I'd done with David and Ryan, I really didn't want to cheat again - even if I wouldn't be the one doing the cheating.
