The Cheat and the Invigilator

The plan was perfection. There was nothing that could go wrong. We'd covered every angle. We'd even practiced during the mock exams - that's what they're for, right? :) Everything had gone swimmingly - we'd aced the maths mock. Nobody could believe it! Us! Now we were going to ace the real thing. Our A grades were pretty much in the bag already.

So, how are two girls who are basically clueless at maths going to get A grades, you ask? You are asking that, right? I mean, that's what everyone asked after the mocks: "How did you two dumb-asses get As?" So I told them: it's all down to hard work, revision, and applying yourself. You just have to pull your socks up ... well, stockings ... ha ha. Never mind, you'll see what I mean soon enough!

No, really, though ... it all started when Claudia was over revising. That's when we hatched the whole plan thing. Like, we were both hopeless at maths, but we both needed C or above to get into college. I mean we'd probably be hopeless in college too, but that's not the point. No way were we going to leave school and go into minimum wage McJobs at KFC. Fuck that shit. Do you have any idea what cooking oil does to your skin? Jesus, it's like acne fucking central down there.

So we were doing all this revision. It was proper futile. Like, might as well have not bothered kind of thing. We're both the same, me and Claudia, like we can do this stuff in the lessons but as soon as we walk out that door then BOOM! forgotten it. My Dad says it's "indicative of a failed educational model" and they should "embrace different styles of learning" - which could be true for all I know, but that's not a lot of use when you're in the fucking exam room and you can't remember shit.

So we took a break. They say you should take breaks and you know it's the truth, because if we never took that break we never would have done this. I mean we were both pretty bummed out to be honest, and I was talking to this cute guy on Facebook about it, and he was offering to tutor me which was like really sweet but kind of stupid because he sucked at maths more than we did, and anyway no way was I going to fuck him afterwards like he was thinking. When I give it away it's going to take a lot more than a bit of fucking maths tutoring, I can tell you that for nothing.

Anyway suddenly Claudia grabs my laptop and closes the chat down, and I'm like what the fuck that's like so rude I'm gonna have to apologize to this guy tomorrow. But Claudia doesn't care, she's closed Facebook and she's on Google and she's typing one-handed.

"How to cheat in exams"

I was like, you dumb bitch. Like you can't seriously expect to get away with that. But we read through all these pages anyway because, well, it was way more interesting than maths. I mean some of this stuff cracks me up. There are some awesome stories about this out there, how people got caught out and stuff. I would have posted them on Facebook so you could see but ... that would have been kind of dumb, right? We didn't want to alert everyone to what we were thinking! I mean I'm pretty sure Robert ratted Helen out that time, because of what she said on Facebook, you know. He's a jerk for that, but still - you do not want to be that girl. So, you know, sorry for not sharing sooner, but I had my future to think of.

But anyway, like, you know those true crime programmes? I always wondered why they did those because don't the criminals watch them and figure out how not to get caught? Every week it's like they did something dumb and that's how they got busted. If I was a criminal I'd watch all these TV shows the whole time. They'd never catch me in a million years. So it's the same with cheating in exams, see? You read all the stories and you're like, for sure, don't do that. Soon enough you've got the whole thing down. So that's what we did. We watched everything and we read everything ... I mean we revised alright, but we weren't revising maths, we were revising for life!

So, to cut a long story short, here's how it's done. Listen up, this shit is like purified wisdom, right? We spent hours on this, days even, and we tested stuff in lessons, and then, like I said, we did a full test during the mocks. This stuff works, 100% guaranteed, OK? Only thing is, you kind of have to be a girl. Sorry, guys, guess I should have mentioned this before. This only works if you're a girl. You need to wear a skirt into the exam, that's kind of the key to the whole thing. This ain't for guys so, you know, sorry and all, but you got to have some advantages to being female. Just think of me next time you're not having a period.

So the main thing to remember is this: the invigilator woman can throw you out of the exam, but she can't throw you out for cheating unless she can like totally prove you were cheating. And there's places even a woman ain't gonna look. I mean you've probably guessed it by now, right? The old "write the answers under your skirt" technique? Well, not quite. It's not as simple as it sounds. People have been doing that like forever and the invigilator is wise to it all by now. No, to pull this off it takes research and expertise. And a bit of fucking *style* ;)

OK, so the night before the exam you're gonna have a bath, right, and you're going to shave, like, everywhere. Smooth legs and smooth ... you know, get rid of your pubes. All of them. Like proper bald, none of these little straggly hairs, no landing strip, nothing. I mean maybe if you need to you can do this two days before but you don't want any major stubble either. Now maybe some of you are thinking, what's my boyfriend gonna think? Well, I don't think he'll mind tbh. I mean I don't even have a boyfriend but Claudia told her man that she shaved for him and they did this whole sexual fantasy where she was a new girl in Year 7 and he was the U18 football captain and ... actually it sounded a bit paedo to me but she said it was super hot. She is a bit of a slut, though, let's be honest here.

OK so you had a bath and you shaved. So now you get your uniform ready for the next day. Lay it all out ready. You are going to wear:

1. A uniform skirt, normal length for your school. Like, if the rule is past the knee but everyone wears it above the knee, wear it above the knee. You don't want to draw attention to yourself in any way.

2. Plain white cotton panties, like the ones your mum made you wear in first year. You're going to write on these so don't use your favourite pair and don't use anything lacy - obvs. It kind of helps if these are tight on you, so old ones from a couple of years ago are good as long as they don't have any holes. Mine were like from when I was 14. I don't even know why I still had them, and man they ride up your butt, but they're perfect for this so don't sweat it.

3. Pull-up stockings that are long enough that they just look like tights when you're wearing that skirt. I guess you could use real stockings but those strap things just get in the way. Pretty sure you can get these most places anyway. Like, they're not 100% regulation, but who's gonna know right unless they're perving up your skirt?

OK, so get that shit ready and laid out. Then you get a nice early night so you can wake up early in the morning. You're gonna need at least an extra hour. First thing when you wake up you're gonna take a good long piss. You ain't going to the toilet again until after the exam so get it all out, and don't drink too much water after. Now you're done take a shower. Dry yourself off like real good, towels and hair-dryer and everything. You can leave your hair a bit damp but use the hair-dryer on your legs and your thighs and even on your ... you know, between your thighs. Get it ALL dry. Rub in there with a towel too, because sometimes it can leak out a bit - you know what I mean don't pretend you don't. Just don't rub too much lol or you might get distracted ha ha! No time for that!

OK, now go back to your room and lock the door. Like you don't want your mum walking in while you're doing this, she'll tell you to wash it off and that'll FUCK YOUR ENTIRE FUTURE UP. (Thanks mum!)

Put on your blouse if you're cold, but make sure you're naked from the waist down, because you're going to be writing stuff everywhere ... and I mean everywhere! The plan is to write everything down at least two times. Three times for the most important stuff. It's a kind of backup in case you have to rub anything out. Like, say you have to wipe the stuff off your thighs quick, but you've still got it written under your panties. That's why it never fails, you see.

So you lie on your bed, kind of sitting up against the back, and you put your legs apart, so ... well, you know how you can get a little sweaty kind of where your thighs join your body and there's this crease or whatever? You need to stretch that area out, that area's a kind of secret weapon, but it needs to be dry for this. Get the air to that, rub it with a towel, rub it with a bit of toilet paper or whatever, get it bone dry.

Now you start off with a black felt pen, like you want the smallest tip possible, like the ones you write with (not the ones you colour with). Right in that crease, start writing the hardest stuff you have to remember. Write small because there ain't much room here. It's gonna tickle, OK, but you've just got to ride that shit out. It's your future, remember? Don't think about guys when you're doing this, or it's gonna end badly. Think about maths, or history, or whatever the fuck your exam is, otherwise you're gonna get distracted again like you did after your shower lol ;)

OK, now, go from your belly button, down about an inch, maybe two. You want to be under the waistband of your skirt. If you have to, pull your skirt above your waist, you know, to get it into an above-knee skirt, then maybe you can even go up to your belly button. It all depends on the skirt, and how you wear the skirt. But from there down to your, you know, where your slit starts, you've got an acre of room to write some more stuff. That's why you shaved, yo! Use your smallest writing again, try and be neat. Take your time about it because this is why you got up so early, remember?

OK so you've got all this stuff written down on your skin, but this is the stuff that's gonna get smudged if you're not careful, so you're going to lie down, keep your legs wide apart, until it's all completely dry. Like 20 minutes, probably. Don't keep testing it with your finger, you're gonna smudge it, just wait 20 minutes, OK? Now if you're like me then lying naked on your bed with your legs apart is gonna make you feel kind of, I dunno ;) I mean you've got your legs apart and probably you're - you know - like it's kind of unusual having your legs this far apart, kind of makes you think about ... stuff. I mean, it would so easy to just slip a finger down there and ... but don't do it! Use that energy in your exam, you're gonna need it, and anyway if you start playing you're gonna be getting sweaty again, and you'll be getting wet down there, and these things are like the natural born enemy of black ink. Just trust me on this one, you don't want to look like a Year 7 science experiment. You know the one where the black ink turns into all the different colours? So just wait. Getting yourself off after you earned an A in maths is gonna feel so fucking good, so put that down as your little reward for all this hard work :) So yeah, watch something on your phone while you wait. But not porn. Anything but porn, seriously. (You watch porn? You slut! ;)

OK so like 20 minutes have passed and now you sit up and grab your panties and a book, like a big hardback book or something, or anything to write on really like a laptop or whatever. Put your white cotton panties upside down but the right way up, if that makes sense. So they look how they'll look when you're wearing them and sitting down looking at them, yeah? You're gonna write on these too, but you have to be able to read it so it doesn't want to end up on your arse, and it doesn't want to be the wrong way up. Like maybe you think you can read upside down but in an exam situation you forget how to do a lot of things like that, believe me.

So now you're gonna write on your panties. You can use a biro this time, because it's pretty permanent. Like you're gonna throw these panties away after the exam. Write from the hem at the top all the way down to the crotch, you can even go over the crotch a little way if you want more space, just remember you got to be able to read this without looking like a freak in the exam. The way to do that is to slide your chair back a little, rest your forehead on your desk, and slide your skirt back until you can see what you need to see. Test it out before the exam and you'll figure it out. But basically, you see where the two halves of the panties get sewn together at the bottom? That's your end point - don't bother writing past this because it'll be on your ass so only a total ass pervert is ever gonna see it.

Now put your skirt on and sit down on the edge of the bed or on a chair or something. You've got your line now, you know how far down you can write before it's gonna show. Pro-tip: use a bit of eyeliner to mark the edge, it rubs off really easy when you're done.

Now take your skirt off and put your panties on. Your panties should be covering up everything you wrote before. Now fill that thigh up! Write all over it, as much as you can, but - here's the key - make sure you're just repeating stuff by now. The point is, it's really easy to read the stuff here (just lift your skirt) but what if you get busted? What you're gonna do is rub your thighs together, so it all gets blurred to fuck. Tell the invigilator it's some guy's phone number lol she can't prove it ain't because nobody can understand that blurred shit. The main thing is you can't cheat from a load of blurry crap, so she's gonna be OK about that ... but really (ha ha!) you still have the stuff written down somewhere else! So for that reason you're gonna be writing using makeup. Eyeliner pen is OK but it's kind of thick. Look through your mum's stuff and get like the most penny kind of pen you can. Something you can write with. Just make sure when you rub it it turns into a mess. That's kind of important.

So if you're smart you've realized by now that if you rub your thighs together AT ALL, it's all gonna be an epic fail. So don't do that! This is the hardest thing to remember - keep your thighs apart at all times! From the minute you finish here, all for the ride to school, all through the wait before the exam. Try to not even sit down if possible, and keep your feet wide apart when you're standing. When you do have to sit, put your knees apart first, then sit slowly. Never ever let your thighs rub together. Now if you're the kind of girl that can't help rubbing her thighs together, maybe swinging her leg a little - you know what I'm talking about. Like I said, wait. Exams ain't the time for that anyway, you little ho :)

So now you put your skirt on - carefully! - and you put your stockings on and you pull them up. Don't get your stockings over your penwork or it's gonna smudge.

Now you're done! So check in a mirror. You should look like a normal girl from your school. It's gotta look like you're wearing tights and a regulation skirt and all this. Nothing's gotta be out of place here. This is the most important day of your life, OK? You gotta get this PERFECT. You gotta like blend into the crowd. Nobody's gotta be pointing you out going what's up with her? People gotta be like she's a nobody, she's just a little cog in the school machine, pay her no attention kind of thing.

Now the plan in the exam is simple. You got everything on your thighs so you can just kind of slide your skirt up and see it. If that goes wrong, use the self-destruct by rubbing your thighs together, and rubbing your hands over them, whatever works, just get that shit gone. Now you can lift your skirt and be like oh man I just lost that guy's number. SHE HAS TO LET YOU CONTINUE THE EXAM!! But you and I know it's all written on your panties too, and if something goes wrong there (you know what I mean - wet plus ink equals science experiment) then it's written under your panties as well! Now it's getting harder to read, and harder to look at with any kind of ... what's that word, you know, it's kind of obvious what you're doing, it's not very ... whatever. It's difficult to pull off ... but not impossible! If you get to this stage grab a pad/tampon/whatever out your bag and put your hand up holding the pad - the invigilator's gonna get the message and then you go to the toilet and whip those panties off and stuff them as far down in the bin as you can so there's no evidence. Or flush them. Yeah, flush them. Just make sure they've gone. And then pull your skirt up as far as you can, make it as short as you like, so it'll be easier to read the stuff that's underneath it.

And, well, that's it. Me and Claudia are pretty fucking proud of this, let me tell you.

Well, I thought we were anyway.

So I guess I should tell you what happened. Claudia bottling it, and all the trouble I almost got into ... I mean I still got my A in maths, so I'm sticking to my story - this shit is 100% guaranteed. But all this is a good example of what can go wrong so read and understand. This is part of your training too, young padawan. Oh God, I just made a Star Wars joke. Kill me now.

So, I mean I was going to say that you should always have a partner in crime but actually fuck that. Do this alone. Don't tell anyone. Don't admit anything. Claudia didn't drop me in it but she nearly fucked the whole thing up. So don't have a Claudia. I mean, I prepared, like I said above, the whole nine yards. I'm kind of waddling into school, thighs apart, kind of hard walking like that you know. Some dude asked me why I was walking funny so I said I got my period and he was like ewwww and nobody asked anything else after that. I kept myself to myself, no point joining in those stupid convos like "oh I'm going to do so badly", "oh no I revised less than you", "oh no I'm the stupidest you're so smart" I mean seriously fuck right off.

Then Claudia shows up. No stockings. Little black shorts. OK so her ass is to die for, but what the actual fuck? Are we doing this or not?

"Sorry, Bella. I guess I bottled it. It's too risky."

"But it worked fine in the mocks! You're my wingman! What the hell?!"

"I got a better method. Read it last night. You write shit on a piece of paper and roll it up inside your pen."

"What the fuck? We saw that method months ago. It's fucking cursed. The invigilator gets hold of that paper you're fucked. Remember that ginger guy? Remember how we laughed when he got kicked out of school?"

"You just have to be careful, that's all. The guys that got caught were dumb-asses. We're way smarter than they are."

"Oh really? So if you're so smart you can just get an A in this shit anyway right?"

"I'll be careful."

"You'd better be."

Great, so now I'm shitting myself, out on a limb on my own here, totally. Fuck sake. Breath deep, Bella. You can do this. Alone. Fucking bitch.

So we walk into the exam hall, and I get my second shock. I thought invigilators were always women? Like every exam it's been a woman. I thought it was like the law or something, but I guess it ain't. And it wasn't just any guy, either. It was Mr Amenable himself - the fucking dreamy maths teacher that pretty much all the girls want to either fuck (if they're sluts) or at least ... well, you know, whatever happens ha ha. I mean, I shouldn't really tell you this, but at the start of last term he asked me to stay after class and I don't know it was the way he said it or something but I sat there like shaking while everyone else left the room, until it was just us, and then he stands up and comes over to me and he's like don't be scared and I'm like I'm not scared but I guess I looked scared lol I was shaking like a leaf. And all he wanted was to just go over a couple of the homework questions, but I swear he kept brushing my arm on purpose and I was like jelly like literally he could have done anything to me right then and I would have been fine with it. Yeah, maybe even that. I mean that's when I found out that "making your panties wet" isn't something a guy does by spilling their drink in your lap. I had to go straight to the girls' after and rub it out. I came so fast I wasn't even late for my next lesson lol :) So yeah, HIM. HE was the fucking invigilator. My schoolgirl sex fantasy. The guy I just *love* to call "sir". The guy with that topless Facebook photo that I strummed myself off to at least three times this term already. (Don't act all shocked, you did the same, admit it.)