"LOVE. The big 'L' word. Had I actually told her that I loved her?! Was I nuts? Without a doubt I was attracted to her. She was a beautiful, intelligent, and financially stable woman who was just awakening to her sexually. But what the fuck could I offer her?
Seven years younger than her. No college degree. No plans for the future except to stay in the military, for the moment."
The questions surged through my brain as I lay looking up at the ceiling.
"And yet, she said she loved me first. Could it really be true, or was she just overcome by what the two of us have been doing?"
I rolled over and stared at her laying next to me. God, she was so beautiful. Blonde hair, gray-green eyes, a slightly turned up nose. And a body that most men lusted to get their hands on and most women envied. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even notice that she was looking back at me.
"Morning."
"Hey."
"What's the matter?"
"What makes you think there's a problem?"
She lifted her head, bracing it in her hand, her eyes locking with mine. "Because in the couple of days we've been together I've come to know certain little things about you. Like how your eyebrows crinkle when something it bothering you."
I flopped back down on the bed, staring at the ceiling once again. "They do not!"
"Yes they do," she whispered as she leaned over and kissed my forehead. "So what's wrong?" she continued as she lay her head on my shoulder, cuddling her body against mine.
"Listen, Gail. I ..."
"Oh - oh, that's not good."
"What?"
"You called me by my first name. You've NEVER done that before."
"I don't know. I've been laying here since I woke up trying to figure out how we're gonna make this work. I mean, our age differences, the differences in our backgrounds, the economics, future prospects, they just seem to be too much!"
"The only question I have for you is do you love me?" she asked, softly.
"I ... I think so. But even then I'm not sure," I said and instantly felt her pull away slightly. "I know I feel something for you. Something unlike anything I've ever felt before but I'm not sure what love is supposed to feel like. Remember, I'm the guy who didn't even have a girlfriend in high school." I hesitated before continuing. "The best way I can explain it is that when I'm with you I feel whole and complete and when we were apart for just those couple of hours the other day I felt ... mmmm ... lost and empty. Does that sound crazy?"
She shifted closer, pressing against me. "I think that's a pretty good description of love. I mean, there are other kinds of love. There is physical love, like when you look at a person and feel your heart race because of the way they look. There is sexual love, because of ... well, that one's pretty self-explanatory. There's spiritual love, which is usually based on similar religious beliefs and then there's the kind of love that binds two people together. Sometimes for a day, sometimes for a week, or a month, or a life-time. Some people call it being soul-mates."
"So which are we?"
"Hmmmm ... let's see. I'm pretty sure we both find each other attractive," she said as she ran the fingernail of her index finger across my naked chest. "And as for sex, well ... let's just say I've never had a lover who made me feel the way you do."
"Yeah, we're gonna have to talk about that too."
"What?"
"Lovers, plural. Somehow I had the feeling that you'd only been with your high school boyfriend and your ex."
"Yeah, I guess we should talk about. Maybe later."
Just the way she said it told me there was pain attached to the memories.
"As for the spiritual stuff, we really haven't talked about that but I have a feeling we're not too far apart. And as for the other ... I feel the same way. Just the idea of being without you scares the shit out of me! I never knew what it meant to be so committed to someone and especially in such as short period of time. It's like you're a half of me that I didn't know I was missing but now that I've found you I can't do without it."
Inside, I knew she was right. But I still doubted my ability to make her happy. "But what about the other stuff? What are people gonna say when they see us together? 'Look at the older woman with her boy-toy.' And what about Jen? She's probably not going to be too happy when she learns about us. And then there's the financial stuff. It's very doubtful I'll ever be able to provide enough money for you to enjoy this kind of life-style. Is it really something you'd be willing to give up?"
She lay there quietly but I could tell she was thinking about what I'd said. "The first part is easy. It's just gonna depend on how we act together. If we act as equals then that's how people we see us. And if they don't ... too bad. Regarding Jen, I think, given enough time, she'll understand. She knows what her father did to me and I know she wants me to be happy. And I'm definitely happy when I'm with you. That leaves the money. I admit I like having it. It makes things a whole lot easier BUT I think we can work around that too."
"How?"
"Ummmmm ... I guess we could put it away for the future. You know, to use as an emergency fund. Or even put it aside for our kids ..." she faltered and blushed.
"Yeah, we haven't talked about that either. Do you want kids? How many? Can you have ...?" I stopped realizing I might have gone too far and was treading on ground where even angels feared to go.
This time the silence seemed to last forever and when she did break it, her voice was so soft I could barely hear it. "Yes, I want children. If possible I'd like two. A boy and a girl. I know that sounds cliché but what can I say? As for having children ... I've already had one. A little boy."
"What?!" I sat upright in bed.
She continued to lay there, her arm resting over her eyes as if to avoid looking at me. "Are you sure you really wanna know? It's not pretty."
"Yes."
She took a deep breath, and exhaled before beginning. "I was 14 years old when these started to grow." She ran the back of her hand over her breasts. "Pretty soon every boy, and some men, in my neighborhood wanted to spend time with me. My parents, especially my dad, were pretty conservative and were very ... I guess you'd say 'protective', especially since I was their only daughter."
"The hard part for me was when I heard my girlfriends talk about going out on dates, kissing boys, and that kinda stuff. I felt like I was being locked up in a convent. Then, just after I turned 16, I went through a 'rebellious stage'. For me, that meant I'd change into a tight sweater or blouse as soon as I got to school, or I'd stand by the window at night and let some of the neighborhood boys watch me undress. Ultimately, my parents heard about my 'loose behavior' and decided to send me off to a religious camp for the summer. Big mistake."
She stopped and took another deep breath before continuing. "That's where I hooked-up with Steven. He went to the same high school and church so we already knew each other. He was almost 18 and seemed soooo grown up. It didn't hurt that he was the cutest guy there either. Almost right away we started hanging out together. You know, the usual stuff: Swimming, hiking, horseback riding. Then we started sneaking off together."
"In the beginning, it was just a little kissing but pretty soon the kisses got more and more passionate. It was all new to me. My body felt like it was on fire, my nipples got hard, and my pussy tingled so bad I'd have to sneak off to the bathroom to take care of myself afterwards. My mistake was telling him. Two weeks before camp was over, we went for a walk and we started kissing just like we normally did. But this time he started playing with my tits. Rockets went off in my head and it was like an electrical surge was running from my tits right down between my legs. I thought,
"This must be what love feels like."
Within minutes, our clothes were off and he was kneeling between my legs. That's when everything fell apart. He got so excited he came all over me. Needless to say, things were pretty awkward, and we went our separate ways. Of course, everyone noticed and I'm pretty sure he told some of his friends that we had 'done it' because of the way they looked at me. But I didn't care, I was in love.
"Anyway, things pretty much returned to normal after we got back to school except Steven and I would sneak off together whenever we could. About a month after school started, we slipped off to his brother's apartment, but I think I already told you about that, and I became a 'woman'. A month later, I found out I was pregnant. My dad went through the roof, screaming and yelling about what a whore I was ..."
"So that's why you got so upset last night when we were playing?"
"Yeah. Anyway, my parents sent me off to my aunt's house and I stayed there until the baby was born. I barely got a chance to see him before they scurried him out of the delivery area. They had me put him up for adoption and then come back home. The problem is, everyone knew. My girlfriends wouldn't talk to me and the boys kept trying to get 'the easy girl' to go out with them. After graduation, I left town and went to college half-way across the country to get away from it all. What I hadn't thought about was that I was carrying the guilt and shame inside of me."
"When I got to college, I got the reputation of being a 'party girl'. You know the type. Go to a party Friday night, get drunk, 'Slam-bam-thank you, ma'am', and it was over. The weird thing is it was always 'Missionary'. It was like none of them knew anything else. That went on for the first two years I was in school. Then I had to start paying attention to classes so I could graduate and my party days ended. I guess I was just lucky I didn't get pregnant again. When I graduated from college I got a job and a little while later I met Jen's dad. So, now you know the story of the slut that knows nothing," she ended, tears gliding down her cheeks.
I wrapped my arms around her, protectively, and pulled her closer. Slowly, her tears disappeared and were replaced by the slow, even sound of her breathing as she slept. I stayed a little while longer before slipping from bed, putting on my jogging shorts, and heading downstairs.
The sun seemed so inviting, I sat on the patio thinking about all the things she'd just shared with me.
