Chapter 11: The Game Goes On
Two weeks had passed since Rachel and I had made that pilgrimage to Ron's home filled with both fear and hope for a better future. Life had returned somewhat to normal. Rachel had returned to work, and so had I. Ron had been freaked out after I had told him about our 'scare', but he was supportive. He was a little clingier with me over this last two weeks but I took that as a sign of his love for me.
It was nothing overt, but I found him holding my hand more frequently, hugging me good bye more tightly when we parted, and calling me to check in more frequently. I loved him so much more for all those little things.
Things were definitely different between Rachel and I, but as we returned to somewhat of a 'normal' existence we were able to blend that experience into our shared past. The biggest difference between us was a more open relationship. I no longer feared exposing her to life, and she was connected to me in a way no other person ever had been.
We slept together every night for the first week after that experience except that first night when I was with Ron. We did not have sex, but held each other closely as we fell asleep. On the seventh night, Rachel did not join me in my bed, but returned to her room. We never spoke about the change in sleeping arrangements, but both knew that it was time for us to put our fear behind us and get on with living life.
In the two weeks that had passed, however, Rachel and I had talked a lot. After that early morning by the pool where I shared with her the video of one of my fantasies, we had spoken frequently of the game. I told her everything.
She sometimes laughed, sometimes teased me good naturedly, and often asked about what I felt during each of my fantasies. I had not told Ron that Rachel now knew about our 'game', and I was not sure why. I could only say that it didn't feel like it was the right time to tell him.
Ron and I had talked about our 'game' the weekend before. We had not had sex since I had told him about Rachel and my trip to 'X'. Both of us seemed to need a sexual break to get our heads straight, and both of us were content to just spend time together.
Last Saturday was less than 2 days until the 30th of the month. We were lying in his bed holding each other closely, kissing, hugging, exploring each other's mouths lovingly with intertwined tongues. He broke the kiss and said, "I love you Sara."
"I love you too, Ron", and then reached between his legs and gently stroked his hard cock and pulled him closer to me.
He resisted placing his right hand on my chest between us and said, "Are you sure you are ready for that?"
I smiled at his concern and said, "Yes, I'm sure. We have a wonderful sex life and I don't want that to change."
He kissed me on the forehead with love but not lust and said, "I know. I don't want it to change either, but I think we should talk a little bit first. I need to know how you are feeling and I want to tell you how I am feeling."
I leaned back the heat of my passion fading. I could feel his cock wilt slowly in my hand and I let him go. I propped myself up on my elbow and faced him. God I loved him.
"Okay, I always want you to know how I am feeling." I said truthfully.
"Well I guess after what happened I was so afraid for you. I have had nightmares for the last week about losing you." He began with wet eyes.
I felt like an ice pick had been stabbed through my heart. My own eyes filled with tears knowing that I had hurt this wonderful man deeply. I stroked his cheek and said, "I'm so sorry baby."
He took my hand in his and kissed my nose gently. "It's not your fault. I am not blaming you; I just want you to know how very much you mean to me. I have never felt anything like what we have together."
I smiled warmly, the ice pick turning to glowing warmth at his words. "Me either." I said.
"And I really think the game we have been playing has brought me so close to you. I feel like we share everything. I can't believe some of the things I have done and seen with you. And there is no jealousy or fear of losing you to another man. God it's intense and everything we have done has only brought us closer." He said in an ongoing flow of emotion.
I interlaced my hands with his and said to him, "I know. I can't believe it either, but it's true. I love you Ron."
He smiled as if tortured and said, "But I'm a little afraid too."
Here was the 'but'. I felt a stab of fear. I had been hurt before by men and every time they left me it was always with a speech that started our about how much they loved me. And every time there was the proverbial 'but' that preceded the pain. I froze with fear, my heart hammering. Had I blown it? Was this night it? Had I scared him to the point he could no longer stand to be around me? Fuck this hurt so badly.
My eyes were brimming with tears but I could not bring myself to speak. He stared at me, but made no effort to comfort me. That was not like him and I knew what was coming. I imagined his voice in my head, 'Sara this just isn't working out. I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore. I need my space. Let's try just being friends.'
I had heard it all, and it all sounded hollow and empty. Probably because all of those things are hollow and empty, and they are said only to make the person saying them feel better about shattering a lover's heart. I braced myself for what was coming. I knew I would cry, but I would try not to until I had collected my clothes and left his house for the last time. I waited for him to stab me with his words and then he spoke.
"But, I would give the 'game' up for you. You are too important to me, and you have been through a rough week. We both have. So we don't have to play the game anymore if you don't want to. Just promise me that you will love me and that can be enough for me."
I blinked and tears spilled from my eyes. That was a strange speech for a break up, but part of me wondered what the hell this was all about. Was he cutting me off or stopping the game in hopes that I would stay or go? What was going on here?
"Do you want to stop playing the game?" I asked tentatively.
He sighed and said, "Honestly, no. But it scares me a little."
"Why?" I asked now curious.
He looked at me confused and said, "Because you have been hurt by sex in the last week. Because I don't know how you might react to the things we might do together. It would destroy me to lose you over a fantasy of mine. I love you and I am so very afraid of how we could hurt each other. I love the game, but I love you more. I just don't want to lose you."
I let out a laugh and cry together. It was one of those moments that can only be shared by two people in the deepest of love. Tears spilled from my eyes but I also laughed with joy as the fear in my heart evaporated and I was filled so deeply with love for this wonderful, wonderful man that it physically hurt.
I hugged him and felt his tears wet my shoulders. It was the first time I had ever seen him cry, but he was unashamed and held me fiercely. I continued to laugh and cry together in heaving sobs and grins. Tears fell from my eyes and my nose filled and dripped (not sexy, but true).
I pulled him close to me and held him tight as if I were trying to draw him into me and become one person with him. It was a wonderful feeling that only grew in its wonder. When my emotions finally felt more under control I leaned back and kissed him gently on the lips. His cheeks were wet, and I was a mess, but he kissed me gently back.
He smiled and said, "Need a tissue?". I laughed again and when I did a snot bubble formed out of my left nostril.
Ron laughed out loud as I reached for the box of Kleenex on the nightstand. I sat up blowing my nose and wiping my eyes. I was straddling his body and he grinned up and me. I handed him a tissue and he wiped his eyes and then stroked the side of my face gently.
"God you are beautiful." He said.
I smiled at him and said, "Yeah I'm sexy when I cry. The snot bubbles I am sure are a huge turn on."
