When first chatting with someone online, there is always that hope the chemistry is there when you meet. The first meeting Tracey and I had included a really wonderful discussion that allowed me to get some insight into where my new friend was coming from. Yes, I let someone talk about themselves. What a great way to make a new friend.
Tracey had a pretty high visibility job. She had to interact often with the public as well as with several female colleagues and her supervisor. There was always the pressure and constraint of operating within a fixed set of rules. She liked to think that she was nice and well deported. Apparently, some people felt like she was also intimidating. I asked her if it was her or the rules that caused that and she wasn't sure. Maybe it was her enforcing the rules, I suggested. You want to be nice, but you can't always be. And, you take your responsibilities seriously. Tracey agreed, but also said that this was often a burden as well.
Tracey was born and raised in the Bible belt. As a child she was raised to believe that only "sluts" enjoy sex. I suggested that sexual hedonism under restraint up is a way to avoid the guilt that has been ingrained from a young age. She asked if that meant ropes and wondered if it would seem too threatening. I told her it depended on her partner, and on trust, safe words, and always having a way to obtain quick release if she became claustrophobic or came under distress. Under the right circumstances, the vulnerability of playing under restraint actually becomes liberating. You get to shed one thing to achieve another. There was a small Mona Lisa smile as she thought about it.
She mentioned that she had a strong dedication to duty and doing a good job, whether it be at work or at home. Raising a child had brought other responsibilities. I asked her if she felt oppressed by responsibility sometimes. She acted a bit surprised and said, "yes and no". On one hand, it would be nice to be able to take the weight off her shoulders every so often and relax, but there never seemed to be a right time or set of circumstances. On yet another hand, Tracey commented that she was tired of always being the responsible girl, the dependable girl, and the good girl in every circumstance or social occasion. Maybe, she would like to be able to be the good girl by being the bad girl for a change.
We had chatted quite a bit, had connected well, and I was sure we had many similar tastes. We agreed mutually that our next encounter would be the one where discoveries were made. Thus was created a heightened sense of curiosity and sensual tension.
I told her that I wanted her to do us both a favor and consider a list of thoughts and maybe guidance and ground rules that I would email her first and she agreed. I thanked her for that and had promise to read them all with an open mind and without judgement, whether they applied to her in specific or not. She had to be open to them as a concept to explore.
They included:
Being in charge is exhausting. When a woman has control over seemingly over every facet of her entire life 24/7 365, it can wear her out. It creates a need to not be in charge at all.
People need to pass off some of the reigns on occasion. Women in 24/7 responsibility cycles need a break sometimes, and it can feel good to have someone else make decisions. She gets to bossed around in the bedroom because she is the boss everywhere else. Sometimes being used thoroughly makes the role sexier and more believable.
Being completely open will allow you to revel in making yourself vulnerable. Don't be ashamed of anything and have no reservations at all about where they take you. Be confident that no matter what direction your mind takes you in, and no matter your role is in the bedroom, it will not change the way you are outside the bedroom.
Be prudent when you choose your partner and then be confident in your. You run the show in many parts of your life, conform well when required, and are adept at making responsible decisions on an ongoing basis. Choose well and don't hesitate to let them take control because you did choose well and you know they can handle it. Given that, you can let go completely and put the experience in someone else's hands because you trust those hands to honor your decision to do so.
Vulnerability does not equal weakness. Letting someone else be in charge does not make you weak weak. It is a testament to your strength. A strong woman knows that instinctively. Who would tell a passenger they're not a strong driver because someone else is behind the wheel?
Be willing to take it and be willing to give it as well. There's nothing wrong with disliking certain kinks such as rough sex as an example, but the woman is constrained by her roles 24/7, and has an opportunity to let it go and who enters the situation knowing she can handle it is at a great advantage, especially when she holds all of the cards anyway. You can say red yellow and especially green at any time and it will be honored. You like pushing the limits and seeing how much you can take, just like in the rest of your life. You like the challenge and unpredictability of someone else being in charge. You also like having the option to reciprocate anything he asks you to agree to try, because you know that will keep him within bounds if he is wise. Payback is a bitch...literally in some cases.
Be appreciative that he can grant you your wishes, and be willing to reciprocate by granting him his wishes, if he so desires. You never know, he may like to top from the bottom and it might be a way to try things you might not have otherwise considered. Plus, when he tops from the bottom, you are not in control. You are not in charge. You are obedient and happily so.
Similarly, try new things confidently. Because you are usually in charge or are always the responsible one you know instinctively that change is often great if it's positive and you are open-minded to it. Whatever her partner is into, the smart woman is willing to explore because it could be her new favorite thing. With someone else in charge, it's almost like getting a fresh perspective by letting someone else dominate the situation.
Letting your hair down, or putting it up, doesn't have to be full-time. You want your partner to take the reigns sometimes and provide you the release you need, but that doesn't mean you are stuck on the bottom. You might have the opportunity to top in the bedroom sometimes, too. You can also incorporate your bottoming tendencies into her your routine without being a full-time bottom. You can top sometimes when it is agreed to, or switch. Why? Because you know you have options, so in a way, you can still be in control without having the burden of responsibility.
The bottom gets to run the traffic signal - Red Green or Yellow. Remember that the bottom holds all of the cards in a safe and respectful dynamic. Period. However, the top is obligated to use extra "restraint" in the use of those words during times of reciprocity. A deal is a deal, after all. The lucky bottom with extra kink may get to enjoy this if the top is not careful.
Tracey wrote back. She mentioned that she wouldn't be at all satisfied with someone dominating her, telling her to do things and then not making her come. She asked, "It's not all one sided, is it?" My response was, "Definitely not." I went on to say that her need set required her to risk that. It was part and parcel to giving up the control and to letting go completely. It was up to her partner to then take her places she would not go on her own. She wrote back that not only did she agree, but it sounded hot to her in an edgy sort of way.
