"You're like the opposite of a vampire," Marisol philosophized as she entered my room, without knocking. She'd given up on that a while ago, when I'd gotten into the habit of ignoring the noise.
I rolled over and opened my eyes, blinking into the bright light. The lamps in my room were on despite it still being broad daylight outside, another habit I'd recently picked up.
"That's what I should start calling you," Marisol said while setting down her bookbag. "Miss Anti-Vampire. How are you?"
"Good," I said, the same lie I'd been repeating for weeks. Marisol promptly raised her eyebrows.
"Yeah right."
I reached over and opened her bookbag, taking out the green folder in which she'd collected my worksheets, notes and assignments for the day. She dropped these off at my house after school, and just like every day, I gave her back another folder, this one containing the homework I'd done.
"Still can't sleep?" Marisol asked, eyeing the lights. I shook my head, the nightmares had started a few days after the rape, and they hadn't stopped since. The only way I was able to get any rest was in some sort of half-sleep state, with my room brightly lit, during which I woke up at least once each hour. I was exhausted as a result, and spent most of my time dozing. I still managed to get my homework done though -- the learning at least provided a distraction.
"How's school?" I asked in an attempt to be polite, and Marisol sat down on the edge of my bed, sighing.
"Weird. It's been so mellow lately. Everyone is still shocked about what happened, and since you're not there, they're nice to me instead. I don't get hassled at lunch or in PE anymore, they pretty much just leave me alone. It's quite lonely, actually. I miss you."
On one hand, I was sorry to hear that. On the other, my bed had become as much of a refuge as I could make it, and I was unwilling to leave it for very long. So, I just looked apologetic, feeling uncomfortable.
"Audra has been asking about you," Marisol mentioned. "I think she'd like to visit you. She's been much nicer lately. Almost like old times."
"That's nice of her," I said, looking down at my covers distracted, and Marisol sighed.
"Look, Jenna -- there's no easy way to say this, but you need to come back to school. You can't hide in here forever."
"Why not?" I asked defiantly, even though I knew the answer very well, and Marisol started listing reasons.
"Well first off, teachers aren't going to make accommodations forever. You can't take finals in here. Next semester you'll have two new teachers, and they'll want to know what your face looks like. Your mom will be disappointed if you don't walk across the stage on graduation day. Plus, I'm counting on your vote for prom queen."
Marisol had always been able to make me smile, and she did, infallibly, with her comment. I met her eyes for a moment, both of us looking quite sad, and I shook my head mutely after a few seconds and pulled the covers higher again.
"Damn it, Jenna," she said. "I can't help you if you won't let me. Please, at least consider it. Just try one day."
"Maybe," I said, knowing my answer already. There were too many horrible memories associated with school now, and I didn't want to set foot inside that building. I was quite content working from home.
"I suppose that's all I can ask for." Marisol got up from the bed, clearly disappointed. I averted my eyes. I felt bad about letting her down. But at the same time, I also wished she'd understand the way I felt about this issue.
The door closed quietly, and I soundlessly sank back into my pillows, trying to clear my mind of all thoughts. That didn't last long, however, as the door opened once more.
"Um," Marisol said, sticking her head back in. She looked clearly uncomfortable.
"What?" I said more aggressively than I'd meant to, and she flushed.
"There's, uh..."
She slid into the room and closed the door, trying not to make any noise. Her eyes seemed unsure. I was confused by her strange behavior and frowned.
"Um, Seth Marshall is standing out there," she finally said.
She might as well have punched me in the gut, the effect was the same. I stared blankly for a good ten seconds, trying to figure out why Seth was here. He hadn't made any contact with me at all since the talk we had had in the hospital, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to see him again or have him stay as far away as possible. I'd missed him, but seeing him would remind me of all we'd had, and of what his father had done to me.
"I can tell him to leave," Marisol offered reluctantly. "I don't much like him of all people coming here. But you do need to face it at some point, Jenna. Better sooner than later."
I wondered dully why everyone kept saying that, and where they had gotten the idea. Thinking about what had happened, going back to school and seeing Seth, all these things would rip open all those wounds again, scar me worse and cause me that much more pain. I couldn't think of anything I'd want to do less.
"You can all go to hell with your damn psychobabble," I said, rolling over and facing the wall. I regretted it the moment I'd said it, but now it was too late.
"Fine," snapped Marisol, opening the door again. "I'll be on my way."
I could hear the door being slammed a moment later. I pulled my blanket up higher, right below my chin, hoping that I would finally be able to have some peace. It was hard to empty my mind over and over again, since I snapped back to full consciousness with every damn interruption.
I clenched my teeth when the door opened and closed again, and pressed myself deeper into the pillows. I was rapidly losing my patience. It wasn't that much to ask to just be left alone, I thought. I waited for someone to start talking to me, but there was no sound I could hear except for my own breathing.
Finally, I turned, the uncertainty if I was alone or not becoming unbearable. Seth was standing there, hands in his pockets, simply looking at me and waiting. I couldn't quite bring myself to look into his eyes.
"I thought it would be better to give you some time," he finally said. "After we talked... I figured it was for the best to let you think things over, to let you decide..." He broke off, waiting for me to say something, but I didn't. I was too busy trying not to look at him, and trying to fend off the dark memories that my brain couldn't suppress. When I didn't reply, he just kept going.
"I didn't realize you'd be missing from school for this long. I don't know if I should have come to visit you earlier." He sighed. "Hell, apparently you don't even want to see me now."
I did, but I didn't. I slowly shook my head and turned again, facing the wall.
