"You want me to, what?" I asked.
"Go to the North Pole and interview Santa Claus," James Rolands, said. He was the editor-in-chief of Plus magazine, a half serious, half trashy magazine geared toward one thing and one thing only, sales.
Mr. Rolands, 45, was a driven man in a world so competitive for stories that there was no room for compassion or morality or common sense. You hesitate you lose. Find a story the public will latch onto, like Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah Winfrey's couch, and you better be the first to get that on your cover or it could cost you millions in sales.
The pressure was enormous and Mr. Rolands, ever the consummate professional, thrived on it. Even to the point of ludicrousness.
"Word is out he's willing to do some interviews and lord knows it's been eons since he's granted one. He's angry about what's going on in the world or something like that. Quite frankly I don't give a shit,the point is, Max, we need to get that interview. That's prime time material. Short of God or Jesus granting an interview, S Claus is next in line. Know what I'm saying?"
"No," I said.
Mr. Rolands got up from behind his desk and started to pace his office. He loosened his tie, a sure sign what he was about to say was serious. "You know this business, Max. I don't need to tell you how cutthroat it is. You've seen the worst of it. But this interview is beyond all of that. This is bigger than Monica Lewinsky. You remember how we were first in line for that mess?" Mr. Rolands, as always, got a kind of twinkle in his eye as he reminisced. "This interview will make the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal seem like a stubbed toe. And that's why we have to be first on the scene. It's that big. There's no guarantee he'll give more than one interview."
"Why are you asking me? Why not get the creative to come up with a story?"
"The creative team?" Mr. Rolands asked, astonished.
I was confused. "I'm not good at coming up with that kind of story, Jim," I said. "I work the field, remember?"
"We can't make up anything," Mr. Rolands said, aghast at the prospect. "This is St. Nick we're talking about, Max. Christ almighty. Make something up? Are you out of your mind? That would ruin us. This interview has to be printed verbatim. Claus says he "pissed off" about something, that's exactly how we print it."
I made the mistake of laughing. I couldn't help myself. I was used to Jim Rolands passion for his job - you don't run a magazine like Plus without it - but I thought this was overkill. He was sounding like he actually believed there was a Santa Claus.
"This is no laughing matter, Max," Mr. Rolands exclaimed. He looked desperate at this point. "I hope you're giving me the raspberries, because I'm getting the serious impression you think this assignment, this assignment I'm offering you, the assignment of a lifetime I might add, is not on the up and up."
"I don't mean to laugh, Jim," I said. "I'm trying to get into this. Really, I am. I mean I can see the monetary value and all, given the season, but I don't think I'm the man for the job."
"Not the man for the job?" Mr. Rolands said in disbelief. "You're the best field man we have, Max. Bar none. This story came across my desk and you're the first, and only one I might add, I thought of. No one can get me this story but you."
"If you need to use my name for credibility I'm willing to play along," I said.
Then Mr. Rolands stopped and just stared at me. "Why are you doing this to me, Max?"
"I told you, Jim, I'm not good at this. You ask me to go interview Osama Bin Laden in Afghanistan and I'm on the next flight with exclusives on what that son of a bitch eats for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But I can't do this. I can't make up an interview with Santa Claus. It's not in me."
Mr. Rolands shoulders slackened and he sat down on the edge of his desk. "So that's what this is all about?" He sounded relaxed now, almost relieved. "You don't believe, do you?"
"Believe what?"
"In Santa Claus," he said. I laughed louder than I meant to, but I could see in Jim's eyes he wasn't taking me seriously. "You don't believe there is a Santa Claus, do you, Max?"
"Do you?"
"I'd love to get into a long discussion about this, Max, really I would, but time is of the essence here." Mr. Rolands leaned over his desk, grabbed a map and unrolled it. "Now the closest I could get you is an airport in the small city of Columbia. That's in Greenland by the way." Mr. Rolands pointed to a spot on the map, the northern most tip of Greenland. "There is a chartered dog sled team waiting to take you as far as the border of St. Nick's palace, which I understand, is just beyond this cleft in the mountains," he said pointing to the gap. "They won't go any further than that however."
I sat there dumbfounded. "Why not?"
"Wouldn't say," Mr. Rolands said breezing over the subject. "But the important thing is that gets you at his front door and that's further than anyone else will be by the time they catch wind of his decision. I'm guessing it will be a first come, first serve proposition. First one there gets the interview. And who better than Max Albright?"
"I'm speechless, Jim," I said.
"No need to thank me right now, Max. There will be time enough for that after you get back. Now your flight..."
"Hold on a second, Jim," I said curtly. "You bring me in here and feed me some crap about interviewing Santa Claus and traveling to Greenland with a dog sled team and you... and you expect me to believe this? I play along for awhile, laugh it up, I mean it's the season and all, but enough is enough."
Mr. Rolands looked hurt. Like a ten year old who finally finds out Santa Claus is not for real.
"You only have forty-five minutes to catch your flight," he said.
"I'm not catching any flights until I quit getting dicked around," I said, firmly.
Mr. Rolands took a deep breath and exhaled. "I sort of figured it would come to this. Dim those lights, would ya."
I reached over and turned down the lights. Mr. Rolands grabbed a remote control on his desk and the television in upper corner of his office came to life.
"What I'm about to show you is for your eyes only. Understood?"
"Sure," I said, unconvincingly.
A grainy image appeared on the screen in black and white. I moved up in my seat to get a closer look. It looked like a gargoyle.
"What the fuck is that?" I asked.
"We're not completely positive but we think it's a worker elf," Mr. Rolands said. "It's hard to tell. Nobody has ever seen one."
"That's one of Santa's elves?" I asked, skeptically.
"Listen," Mr. Rolands said. He turned up the volume and the elf spoke in a gruff, scratchy voice.
"I haven't much time, but I should think this information may be of some importance to the outside world. The man is not happy and it would be a good bet he might be willing to talk about it," the elf, or whatever it was, said, before the screen went blank.
Mr. Rolands turned the television off.
"It's a hoax," I said.