I had been looking at it for days. The invitation had been sent out in Keith's typical style, a warm handwritten message on heavy weight stationery. Never mind that an email would have been quicker and less expensive, Keith liked for anything from him to stand out and be a true representation of his style. I ran my fingertip over Keith's clear, concise penmanship. I felt the indention of the paper from the weight of his pen.
"Join me in saying farewell to our friend. Cocktails will be pouring promptly at 8:00."
Keith and I had been at a stand-off for a week. The person who called first would be the loser. This time it wasn't going to be me. I stood by my decision to keep my own place and not move in with Keith. The thought of seeing him at the party with the same hurt in his eyes as the night I told him my decision made my stomach turn in knots. Despite that, I couldn't let our friend, Joshua, leave this country without saying goodbye in person. Why should I let a fight between Keith and me keep me from seeing our friend? A glance at the clock on the wall made up my mind. 7:15. The next dilemma was what to wear.
Rummaging through my closet I came across the dress Keith and I had picked out together. It was still in the plastic. I pulled it out and tossed it on the bed. I laughed to myself remembering how Keith managed to sneak into the dressing room to watch me try it on. He complimented me on how well the fabric hugged my every curve. That was enough to encourage me to buy it.
I thought about how Keith's long masculine fingers opened the zipper then pulled the straps off my shoulders. I remembered the cold surprise of the mirror against my back while Keith kissed over my tummy. Sighing, I looked at the clock. 7:30. I'd never make it in time if I sank any further into thoughts of our shopping excursion. In thirty minutes I took a quick shower, managed to slip into the dress without distraction and was out the door.
The guest of honor greeted me when I arrived.
"Joshua. I can't believe you're leaving me." I put on my best pout then hugged him tightly.
Josh grinned. "You know, Natalie this wasn't the easiest decision I've ever made."
I followed Josh into the living room where the rest of the guests were already drinking and having a good time. My eyes scanned the room to find Keith. I didn't see him.
I turned my attention back to Josh and said, "Oh, I know. If I had met the man of my dreams and he wanted to sweep me off to Spain, I'd have a hard time deciding to go, too."
Josh's face lit up at the mention of his new found love. "Paulo is amazing. I'm blessed to have him in my life."
Josh looked happy. He was not only embarking on an adventure abroad but he was gaining a beautiful, fulfilling relationship. I was happy for him.
"It's meant to be," I said and squeezed his arm.
I heard Keith's laughter from the other side of the room. I turned toward it only to see Keith conversing with another woman. Our eyes met over her head. I held Keith's gaze long enough to convey my sadness.
"There are some other couples that are meant to be," Josh said as he stepped in front of me.
"You don't --"
"I know, Natalie. Keith and I have talked."
"Of course you have."
Keith and Josh had been friends since high school. They had been through everything from Josh's coming out to the dark times after the death of Keith's parents. It was natural that Keith would share the details of what was going on between us. I felt embarrassed. Even though Josh was my friend too, I was uncomfortable knowing that Josh had learned how much I had hurt Keith.
"Listen, Natalie. It's not about you moving in or not moving in."
"I know it's not. It's about me maintaining a level of freedom, maintaining some of myself. I worked hard, Josh, very hard to get ahead at work and to acquire a house I can call home. Hell, it was two years without weekends and a life to get there, but I did it, on my own."
Josh chuckled.
"What?" I said.
"He loves you for that. Don't think for a moment that it's all wasted on him. He gets it."
"So why is he so hell bent on changing it all?"
Josh took me by the shoulders. "You are a sharp cookie, Nat, but you've got a lot to learn about men."
A shriek came from the backyard. While we were talking the party had moved outside underneath the yellow glow of the party lights Keith had strung.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Look. I'm not going to miss my party to school you on your man."
"Sometimes I think a little insider information would help." I hung my head.
"You'll figure it out. I'm going to get into whatever is causing all the commotion outside." He winked then made his way out through the French doors leading onto the patio.
I walked to the bay window that opened up to the backyard. The music playing inside the house was loud enough to be heard out in the yard. Some couples were dancing. Others collected in small groups chatting and enjoying the bottles of wine Keith had purchased to keep the partying flowing.
I thought about what Josh had said. I wondered if I really didn't know enough about men in general and my man specifically to make amends now.
In the glass of the window, I caught sight of a figure coming up behind me. Before I could turn, two hands came to rest on my shoulders. Keith's voice warmed my ear.
"I'm glad you came."
I turned to look into Keith's eyes. Their steady brilliance softened me. When they caressed my face I was ready to pour out my apologies.
"I --"
Keith lifted a finger to my lips to silence me. I watched him lift a black scarf from his pocket. He made a move to put it on me. I moved away.
"It's all right. Let me put this on you," he said.