As I walked from my office to my room, the all familiar cloud of gloom and self hatred sank upon me. My religion said this sort of thing was wrong, but the desires were so uncontrollable and so strong, seemingly impossible to fight or subdue. My thoughts drifted back to her, it had been months, almost a year since we were together. My first and only girlfriend; my only ever sexual partner. Sex was for marriage, it was clear and we struggled for years in vain, only to lose self control one night and never be able to take it back. I thought we were going to get married, I blanketed myself in excuses to do, to for fill that longing desire deep down that's inside all of us, I need it, the closeness, the love, the intimacy. All over now, just me and my hand these days, I hated myself for it, but It made life easier. I was focused on my career and filled my life with enough distractions to not chase any more girls. Church was helping too, direction and focus is what I need in my life, I was really going somewhere, except for this insatiable desire inside me to for fill my sexual needs.
It had been two months up here, moving from the 'big city' to the beach. Somehow I'd managed to build a house, quite a nice house, at the age of 22. It was Thursday, my house warming party was on Saturday, and I'd invited all my friends from the city up for the weekend. I still considered my ex as a friend, and as such invited her out of courtesy, not expecting her to come. I work from home, remotely looking after all the computer equipment for my company and developing software. This affords me a lot of flexibility, pays well, but, doesn't give me much social interaction; all communications are through email, and the occasional phone call. This ties in well with my theory of not chasing girls, the less people I see, the less desire I will have, but the only downside is it leads to a lonely life, sitting down to dinner with either the TV or the Computer night after night. When opportunity arises, I invite my friends up for the weekend or overnight and it so happens I had invited Mel and Steve up the night before my housewarming party. Steve was one of my closet mates; we have been friends since High School, some eight or nine years ago. Shae, my ex, had invited her cousin, Mel, up from out of state to her birthday one year, and in turn met Steve. She eventually moved up and they now live together. It is through these two that I still see Shae occasionally.
During work earlier today, I had received an email from Shae asking if it was ok if she came up the night before my house warming because Mel and Steve were going to be here. She could come up straight after work, and it wouldn't be weird because Mel & Steve would be there. We could have a few drinks and hang out. After getting over the initial shock that she was coming, I replied and said that was fine, I didn't want to appear rude or anything. The truth was, I was very confused. I could understand her wanting to come see the house I went on and on about for years while we were together, but I broke her heart, she hated me for months. I knew she was over that now, but it still was puzzling. The odd email or IM conversation was fine, but overnight at my place 100 kilometres from her place? She could come see the house with everyone else, for a few hours during the day, but overnight?
I slept uneasy that night, and drudged through the following day. I don't think I even did any work that day; I did clean the house, and made sure all the preparations were complete for the party the following day. My mind was amuck with so many feelings. My hatred of masturbation, confusion over Shae and all the 'what if's' that accompanied her. What if she came on to me? What will I do? Sex before marriage is wrong, but my body's urges suppress that if I want it bad enough, Its happened before, it will happen again. Then the guilt sets in, I can't even trick myself into it, we aren't even in a committed relationship? Maybe I'm just over reacting, definitely over reacting. Even when we were having regular sex, I always had to ask for it. She never initiated anything, finally setting my mind was at ease. Nothing was going to happen, I was sure of it.
"People don't change, and no girl anywhere ever wants to have sex." My favourite quotes from the Tv shows House and Family Guy bought a smile to my face. I knew it wasn't entirely true, but nevertheless it is true for a lot of the population, and it certainly applied to Shae.
Before I knew it I heard a tap tap at the door. I peaked out the blinds to see a weird car in the driveway. A big white four wheel drive. My mind raced, I don't know anyone with a white four wheel drive? I walked around the corner out towards the front door; hesitantly unsure of whom I was going to see. Shae.
I glanced at my watch, it was only 4pm? Did she have a new car? Doesn't she finish work at 5pm, and have an hour drive to get here? Why is she so early? I smiled and opened the front door.
"Hi!," she said, reaching out to give me one of those uncomfortable hugs where you just briefly touch shoulders, whilst keeping your head as far away as possible. I obliged and returned the hug, smiling on the inside at the awkwardness of the moment. The sunnies looked cool, and so did the skirt. Shae was always quite prude. She was about 5 ft 11, with quite a generous figure. She played a lot of sport which kept her weight under control but I always suspected that if she stopped she would push herself into the slightly overweight category. She always dressed modestly, generally in baggy sports gear and only ever showed off her feminine figure when pressed by me. The skirt was quite short; coming to around mid thigh, and it was definitely new. The only other skirt she had that short was the one I bought her, so she must have bought this herself. I kept my inspection and conclusions to myself, and proceeded to start conversation with her.
"You're early?"
"Aah yes, I am!," she said with a girlish enthusiasm, and a cheeky smile.
I did remember her mentioning the new car she bought, but I believe this was the first time I'd seen it. I peered my head around the corner to get a better view of her car, "so this is the new car?'
"Yep, you've seen it before, don't you remember?"
Shit, I didn't remember, my mind was running through our last couple of encounters, I didn't want to say no, I really hate being rude, but I didn't have a choice. Quick make a joke, laugh it off.
"Was I drunk?," funnily enough it might of been true. I had been drunk a lot lately.
"No, but it sounds like your drinking is affecting your memory.," she said sarcastically.
"Well give me the tour of your car, then we'll do the house," I knew she wanted to gloat about it. It was a nice car, probably worth about 15 thousand, not a bad step up from her last car. She proceeded to show me the car. She liked all the little features, which I found rather useless, but nevertheless she seems quite pleased with it.
Then the tour of the house began. She was familiar with the plan and layout of the house, she had just never seen it finished. The first room you encounter is the master bedroom, my room. It was rather stupidly massive, and very void of furniture. I could barely afford the mortgage, so I was just living on minimum furnishings. Consequently the room looks massive, as it only contains a queen size bed. A quick peek into the walk in robe, then onto the ensuite. She oo'hd and aa'hd at the shower and the double vanity station, and then she had a big bright smile when she saw the spa. It wasn't a grand spa, but it still did the job.
Did I just see a sparkle in her eye? It might have been in my imagination, it must have been.
"I want to have a spa later on ok?"
"Yeah sure," I said.
We continued on to the rest of the house, and eventually ended up outside on the patio. We sat down and began to talk.
"So why are you here so early?"
"Well, you see," she paused.
"I didn't work today; I took a RDO and just checked emails from home. Then I got bored, so I decided that I would come up here."
"Oh, ok then" I said, "I don't think Mel and Steve will be arriving till around seven, Steve doesn't get home till five thirty these days"
