In the days that followed Lena struggled to make sense of the events that had overtaken her. She'd been attracted to other men since Adam. There had been a fumbled kiss in a storeroom among the discarded cables and unopened boxes of printer paper with a temporary line manager. But it came to nothing and she had been relieved when he moved on and her life returned to it's well-regulated pattern. Through the few heady days the fliration had lasted she'd always felt in control.
But this was different. Her reaction to Paul was visceral. Her rational mind seemed unable to gain any purchase on what was happening. He was too old for her. He wasn't even attractive. There was little in the way of charm that might have seduced her. So how could he possibly exert such a hold over her? It was as if Paul wasn't just another man. Another man she could have dealt with. He was something else entirely. Something she was unprepared for. An alien creature, slippery and muscular, who had risen from his lair at sea and overwhelmed her defences. He had released something oceanic inside her. She could feel its tidal undertow.
With no alternative, she applied concealer to the mark on her neck and went on with her life. It shocked her that the world could veer so abruptly from its familiar pattern yet allow her to function as if nothing had happened. It helped that the space Paul's van occupied in the car park remained empty. She wasn't sure she could have coped if she'd had to deal with meeting him so soon.
When he began to invade her dreams so that even asleep she could not be free of him Lena passed the wakeful hours fantasizing how she might kill him. There was a rack of unused knives in his spotless kitchen. She would use one of these. A filleting knife with a long thin blade. She imagined the knife slipping between his ribs, the look of surprise on his face, the release. She would need to choose her moment. Lying back on the chequered tiles. She ran the scene in her head over and over, sleep further away than ever. She would have to be sure of her timing. To wait until he was inside her. Yes, then it would be rape. They would believe her. They would have to. Exactly how she would hide the knife was a detail she could gloss over for now. Open your legs, he would say. And she would have to open them. She saw him take his cock and guide it into her. Yes, that's how it would be. He would be above her, bent forward driving his cock into her. His breathing ragged as he drew closer, sweat beading at his muscular neck where the fish leaped and danced. But as she replayed the scene in her head she could feel the narrative slipping away from her. She felt her legs closing around his back, pulling him in, found herself rising to meet each thrust as it came. And the knife was no longer there.
Strangest of all amid the emotional turmoil she found herself nursing feelings of resentment towards Adam. She realised the absurdity of this. He was as solicitous as ever. But his care and consideration were like a reproach. How could he not see what she herself could see? That something dark and deformed was lodged in her like shrapnel. How could he be so blind? It seemed impossible. She found herself withdrawing from him, pretending to sleep when his hand sought her in the dark. She knew he would not protest. Nor did he.
And then - the van was back. She hadn't heard him. He must have arrived during the night. Lena stood at the window looking out at the car park.
- The wanderer returns, said Adam.
She still had no plan. No idea what she ought to say to Paul. His actions first in front of the mirror and later against the wall in his pristine lobby had been powerful and definitive. She had been allocated a role and she had seemingly acknowledged and accepted it. It was blindingly simple. He would take what he wanted and she would give it. That was all. The thought left her light headed. Whether this was something she had invited was a question she didn't want to answer. It was all too much to deal with. In the end she decided the simplest thing would be to let things take their course. That was her plan. It wasn't much. But it was all she had.
Two days later she was waiting in a queue at the chemists, idly inspecting the boxes of pills stacked neatly behind the counter in the glass case. In front of her a woman was struggling to understand the prescription in her hand. The pharmacist was doing her best to explain. Lena could see herself reflected in the door.
And then someone left the queue behind her and came forward. Lena froze. Again that sense of gravity in the pit of her stomach. Paul leaned in.
- Box of Nurofen, pet, he said. Big one. You can bring it round this afternoon. Two oclock. Wear a dress.
And he left her.
She spent the morning in a state of confusion. Paul's box of Nurofen rested quietly on the counter top beside the kettle. She stared at it. He'd simply asked her to pick up something for him at the chemists, hadn't he. What was so strange about that? So why this inner turmoil? But she knew that wasn't what he had done at all. He'd been precise in his instructions. He hadn't asked her. He'd told her. Told her what to do and she had done it. Did that mean she would do more? The instructions hadn't stopped there.
She came to a decision at last. She would go round to see Paul. There was no reason not to. She had the pills to deliver after all. But once there she would tell him plainly that things had to stop. There would be no more contact between them without others present. She would be quite clear about that. Her decision brought with it a wave of relief. She showered and dressed. Looked at the clock. Five minutes.
When she crossed the landing and rang the bell she found the door ajar. There was no response. She felt faintly absurd standing out on the landing. So she went in calling out to announce her arrival closing the door behind her. She found Paul in the living room.
- I brought you these, she said, holding up the box.
He was smiling at her.
- I'm not going to stay, she said at once to clear up any confusion. But there's something I need to say. I'm just going to say it and then I'll go.
She took a deep breath, then hurried on.
- I don't know why this thing started between us. I shouldn't have let it. That was wrong of me. I realise it's partly my fault. I know we're both adults and we can do what we please. But there are other people to consider. It's not fair on Adam. I won't do this to him. Not any more. So I won't be coming round again. Whatever you say. At least not without someone else here too.
Paul didn't reply. She'd been plain enough. He must have understood.
- Nice dress, he said at last. Black, simple, shows your legs.
He waited for her to respond.
