He got up and brought me to my feet. We slow danced... kissing... hugging... caressing... while he's singing Forevermore (Side A). The lyrics really stuck a chord to both of us... There are times when I just want to look at your face... there are times when I just want to feel your embrace... I just can't believe that you are mine now... you were just a dream that I once knew... I never thought I would be right for you... You're all I need to be with forevermore... All those years I've longed to hold you in my arms... I've been dreaming of you...
Every night, wishing you would be mine... My love for you will be forevermore... As endless as forever... Our love will stay together...
I was going back to Winnipeg the next day that's why he stayed a while longer. We embraced so tight... both of us wished for the time to stop...
We're both crying while putting our clothes back on. We're embracing so tight... no one wanted to let go...
"That's why I didn't want to see you yet for I knew I'd end up wanting you more... I knew it will be hard for me to go on... it hurts so much, Joy... it hurts so much that you're not the one I ended up marrying... I'm sure my life would have been happier... "
"Let me embrace you tighter and longer, Emman. Let me hold you like I'm going to lose you for I don't know what's in store for us after this. Let me kiss you longer... "
I did not sleep at all after that. I kept on thinking what my life would have been like had we ended up together. I cried my heart out full of regret.
The family that he built with Lorna was beautiful. He brought his kids up with caresses, cuddles, kisses, and hugs that's why even though they're 20, 19, and 14, they're not embarrassed to show these kinds of affection back to them. Their home was full of love. All of them were soft spoken. I knew this because I could hear them in the background when Emman and I would talk on the phone.
I just could not understand why he could say that he never loved Lorna. His boys were just 13 months apart, meaning, he kept on fucking Lorna after giving birth.
I made up my mind to not see him again. I didn't want to ruin his beautiful family. Even if he never loved Lorna, he loved his kids the most. That should be enough to keep his family together. I could feel a tightness in my chest just thinking about this. Could I do it?
Mar 31 He kept on calling and texting me while I was at the Toronto airport.
"You should have just driven me here, Emman."
"Sorry, Joy. I hope you don't get tired of my calling and texting. I so miss you already. I'm not going to take a bath for a week so I can keep your juice. I want it lingering on my skin. The whole family is going to celebrate my birthday, is that okay?"
"No need to ask my for permission, Emman. I told you to treat your family as if I'm not part of your life. It's okay."
"No, Joy. I want you to be a part of my life. I wish I were there with you. I wish to spend my birthday with you. I wish you're with me now instead of her."
Then he started crying... I cried with him.
I dropped by my office before going home. I got a voice mail from him:
I love you more, more than you'll ever know. I hope I give you comfort and joy. Thank you for trusting me, for loving me. Thank you for coming back again in my life. I love you for who you are, for what you are, and that includes your past. I love you so much. I love you, my all, my life, my true love, my best friend. Always take care. I wish you happiness. I love you. Bye.
We had been texting non-stop all day, like every 10 minutes and we talked on the phone for 4 hours. Of course, it included phone sex. It's more realistic now as what we were imagining were actual events that happened between us.
I looked into his Facebook account. His birthday celebration photos were posted already. He's wearing the same clothes that he was wearing while he was with me. Hadn't he really washed up? Lorna was all over him and she didn't even smell our sex?
Apr 2
I got his voice mail dated Apr 1:
Hi, honey. Hi, Joy. Good morning. It's me again. Promise I won't bother you today. I'll try to get enough sleep. That's why after we hung up at 4 am I suddenly felt sad. I've been thinking for the whole night. Come 5 am I can't help but cry. I just went to our hotel, just passing by. I hope I could find work that would assign me there in Winnipeg. I wish, just to be with you. I just want to be where you are... just to be your stalker... just so I could see you. That's why I didn't want to see you yet because I knew this would happen. It makes me want you more. I fall in love with you more everyday. I really want to be with you. I love you so much. I really find it hard to go on after those 4 days. I try to busy myself, but you keep on popping up on my mind. And I know you're the best thing that happened to me, always remember that. I love you so much. I love you forever. I can't stop thinking about you. I miss you so much. Bye. Take care. Don't forget your breakfast. Eat well. Thanks for everything.
Then he sang I Will Always Love You (Kenny Rogers)
Apr 10
His voice mail:
Good morning, honey. I love you. I really miss you. I miss your sweet voice in the morning. Thank you for making my day, this birthday of mine, the sweetest, most memorable for having you. You're the best gift ever, your love, your heart. Thank you so much. Thanks for everything. Let's go to church later. Bye. Don't forget your breakfast. I love you.
What he meant by "let's go to church later" was he'd call me and leave his cellphone turned on during mass just so I could hear it with him.
I had been going to church everyday since Mar 2011 as my place of work was just beside St Mary's Cathedral.
My conscience really bothered me with my relationship with Emman. No affair is ever right, no matter the circumstance. He's aware of my predicament that's why I was able to convince him to pray this prayer with me:
Mama Mary, please forgive me and Emman/Joy . We hope that one day You give us Your blessing to be husband and wife to each other. While we wait for that moment to come, please keep us committed to our children. I love Emman/Joy so much. Please keep him/her under Your Maternal Protection. Amen.
We'd pray this every night together before we'd start our phone conversation and we allotted an exact time that we'd pray this if it's impossible for us to talk.
Apr 16
His voice mail:
Good morning, Sugar Pie, Honey Pie. Sorry, hon, I didn't let you sleep. I love you so much. I love you forever. Sorry really, I was not able to wait for you. In between those years I thought I've won forgetting you. I realized I could not take it. When you came back in 2008, I was paralyzed... so paralyzed. The pain was too much and it's still there. I was still hurting. You never really disappeared. I promise you, I'll never let you go. I won't give up on us, honey. I was so touched when you told me that until your last breath you'd love me. It's the same with me. I love you so much. Don't be afraid of aging. What's important is you're with me... I'm able to embrace you everyday... you're beside me when I'm asleep... in the morning, it's your beautiful face that I wake up to... I love you so much. I miss you so much. I want to be with you forever til we grow old... I can't wait to hear your voice. Please call me. This song's for you.
He's singing Now And Forever (Richard Marx).
When I got my phone bill for Apr, we had about 6,000 text exchanges and 2,000 minutes of phone calls. It's good I had an unlimited plan.
I started keeping a log of the no. of times we made love in actual and over the phone. For the month of Apr, it showed that we had phone sex 9 x.
His texts:
... wishing for happy ending...
... fate brought us to this country... so we can be together again... as you said, I'll spend the rest of my life loving you, Joy... may God forgive us...
Thank you also, Joy, for your love and understanding... I pray and hope our wish will be granted in this lifetime...
