The Pat Wong Diaries

Harry has always been a strong, dedicated masturbator and he is the one who taught me the art of masturbation the way it should be known and practiced. Back when we were dating and before we started having sex, he used to ask me daily if I had masturbated the day before and would severely chide me whenever I told him that I had not. A day without sexual gratification, he used to tell me, is a day down the toilet. I remember one day he got so indignant after I went a whole week without masturbating that he bought me a thick porno book -- in fact, it was called The Book of Porn -- and a pink dildo. The book consisted in page after page of men and women in various poses of coitus and sexual intercourse, and I vividly remember my initial shock at seeing men and women naked and having sex openly in front of a camera. The men especially looked ugly, deformed almost, and I remember laughing out loud at the sight of a man's ass and then his long, erect, presumptuous penis. I remember closing the book and setting it aside and then going to sleep.

After we got married, I discovered Harry's little porno library of 8 mm films and video tapes. His favorite actress was Ebony Ayes, a tall black woman with naturally large breasts and a round ass. He adored her aggressive demeanor of a spoiled woman who had learned early in life how easy it was to get your way by letting men take you to bed. One scene Harry really liked had Ebony yell shrilly, "bar tender!" and capriciously roll her eyes when the bar tender answered her. He also adored Janet Jacme, another black woman, but this one with tiny breasts and a much smaller ass. And she too was aggressive and dirty but in a much seamier way than Ebony Ayes.

One scene that Harry, to this day, likes very much, has her having sex with a white man, while her black boyfriend watched in indignation from a distance, sitting on a sofa. Then, when then white man ejaculated on her vagina, the boyfriend shook his head even more energetically, expressing his disapproval. But what captured Harry's lust was how after the white man had collapsed to the side, Janet simply pulled up her panties and pulled down her skirt, smoothed it out, and started chatting with her boyfriend, as if nothing had happened, as if she hadn't fornicated with another man and didn't have the semen of that man between her legs. Harry always came at this part, his eyes glued to the TV, bending in spasms as he ejaculated, his semen shooting far and long.

Then there was the Kitty Foxx collection. He loved older women, like Zoe Zane, Shablee, Candy Cooze, and Diana Richards. He was a member of Zoe Zane's Yahoogroups discussion group and had emailed back and forth with Zoe Zane herself, a woman who had clearly had a troubled life, from what I have been able to gather about her. But Kitty Foxx was the one he loved and admired the most among older ladies. Here was a respectable looking lady, clearly intelligent and articulate, who was aggressively exposing herself to the world without any limits or reservations. Why on earth, he asked me several times, did she do what she did?

Sometimes, he was genuinely shocked at her gratuitously wanton behavior, like when she came out with her gang bang tape. He had been following her for more than 5 years and had developed respect and affection for her, especially after reading that she had been married for more than 30 years to the same man, that she had a daughter and grand daughter, and that she had entered the adult business when she was in her forties, after careful thought and with the full approval of her husband.

So, when he saw her openly give access to her vagina to so many men in that gangbang tape, it saddened him a bit, even as he furiously masturbated all through the tape, coming three times in a row within an hour. Kitty looked cheap in those tapes, and her old, sweaty vagina was far more accessible than usual. And to top it off, the tape ended abruptly -- no credits, no music -- with the last man in the gang bang unceremoniously ejaculating directly on her vagina and then getting up and leaving without looking back or saying a word to Kitty, as if she were nothing more than an old vagina. It was not a dignified end to a tape where Kitty Foxx was so generous, Harry thought, and the men who had enjoyed her really didn't deserve her.

Then there was Ron Jeremy, a man that Harry envied openly, loudly groaning at times out of pure jealousy while watching him perform. Harry had followed his career from the seventies and had always wondered how such an ungainly man could end up with a job that consisted in having sex with women -- most of them beautiful girls -- and then turning that job into a decades-long career. And it was clear that Ron Jeremy was thoroughly enjoying himself, not a hint of moral ambivalence about what he was doing to be detected in his words and actions. There was one scene where he was in a hotel room in Las Vegas, about to make love to a tall, brunette woman, and he was so overjoyed that he kept saying, "It just can't get any better than this, it just can't get any better than this."

Harry understood what Ron Jeremy was saying and how he felt. And we both understood that he truly felt that he had reached the zenith of happiness that a man could attain, even though we knew he was wrong and was hopelessly lost and was not capable of knowing what he was missing.

"If he doesn't know what he is missing and at the same time feels truly happy, what else can a man ask for?" Harry once remarked ruefully.

"I don't know if he is truly happy, though," I said. "I think he is happy in spurts, in moments, but he is not in a happy state of mind. He does not have peace."

Harry nodded. He knew where I stood on having peace of mind. That you can't have it unless you are moral: that you know right from wrong as everyone around you defined right and wrong.

And I knew that Ron Jeremy did not know the difference from right and wrong the way those around him knew it. He presided over the gang bang of porn star Annabel Chong, a petite Chinese woman from Britain who filmed a truly depressing gang bang movie where dozens of men penetrated her on camera. In the movie, Ron Jeremy walked around with a microphone, interviewing the men engaged in the production, talking to Annabel and making jokes. He was fully clothed and was clearly comfortable in the large, crowded ball room where naked men of all ages stood tugging at their penises, awaiting their turn to go on stage and join a group of five or six men as they together took Annabel on.

Then at one point in the movie, Ron Jeremy set aside his microphone and began to penetrate, doggy style, a young black girl with gaps between her front teeth -- a "fluff girl" with small, unattractive breasts -- that is a girl whose job it was to get the men excited prior to their engaging with Annabelle. After a minute of penetrating her, he withdrew and she said, "Thank you sweetie," and hugged him and kissed him on the lips. And then in the end, Ron Jeremy capped the whole production by penetrating Annabel, to the cheers of the crowd, and ejaculated over her wet belly. And he did all of this without flinching or in any way showing that he knew that what he did was lewd or in any way immoral. He did it smiling and laughing, his eyes assuming a look of concentrated lust.

But Harry was most indignant about Jade Marcella, a small and slim, and very attractive girl from Indonesia who specialized in gangbangs. There was nothing, it seemed, she didn't do in front of the camera. She took double penetrations, even double vaginal penetrations, and eagerly sucked on cocks and balls, and fully accepted men ejaculating on her face and on the lips of her vagina. But what triggered Harry's indignation was an article he read on a web site where he learned that she had actively convinced her younger sister, Nyomi, to enter the world of pornography, and had even filmed scenes kissing and making love to her sister. From that moment on, he masturbated over her movies almost with anger, sneering angry words at her and utter lack of morality.

Cumisha Amado, on the other hand, he respected immensely for her intelligence and strong moral bearings. She had worked as a labor and delivery room nurse for six years before entering the world of pornography and had won two classical piano scholarships for Juilliard. She had at some point stopped her pornographic career and gotten married to a Navy Seal. The marriage apparently did not work out and Cumisha went back to her pornographic work. What impressed Harry the most was that she had all along kept a very close contact to her family in Hawaii, and regularly attended reunions with them. When later on he saw her in a bisexual video with two men, excitedly copulating with one of the men, only to help that man seconds later penetrate the other man, smiling widely and clearly happy to be engaged in such an act, Harry did not judge her. He smiled and nodded and shrugged his shoulders.

"How can anyone accuse such a woman of being immoral," Harry would say.

I remember we had a long, sober talk one night about Kitty Foxx, Annabel Chong, Ron Jeremy, Jade Marcella, Cumisha Amado, and pornography in general, and what drove people to enter that world. Clearly, something must have happened to them, since they did it again and again, and came back to it. Harry always felt sorry for the actors and actresses the few minutes after he ejaculated. He would shake his head and say, "poor folks," as he stood up and went to the bathroom to wash his penis. I felt sorry for them too, but I understood why they did it.

It was simple: like all people who manage to rise above the rest, whether in a good way or a bad way, they remembered and acted on their memory. Perhaps they remembered that life was too short and that far more harmful things were being committed by others; perhaps they remembered the indignity of poverty and swore never to be poor again; perhaps they understood and remembered that what they did was not much different from what others do: sell themselves for money. But they all understood and remembered, and that is why they did it again and again.