They say that many people find a future spouse at a wedding, I suppose because there is an atmosphere of romance, but I can't say it has worked for me. I did spend one ceremony in a church in north London exchanging increasingly lustful looks with the bride's cousin, but somehow that never came to anything.
However, there was a very horny reception once. It was in a big house, an old farmhouse in Guernsey, and although the family was rich and they could have afforded to hold it in a posh hotel, they chose to do it at home. The ceremony was early, 11am, so we were back at the house and consuming the champagne by 12.30.
I floated around and spoke to a few people and found myself in the corner of a large room with French windows looking out onto the garden. It was summer, so the doors were open and some people were on the lawn, but hot sun and alcohol are a recipe for mushy-brain disease to me, so I stayed indoors.
There were two women standing by the fireplace: Sara, and old flame of mine, and Grace, a medical secretary at my GP's practice, whom I knew a little through a mutual friend. I saw them looking over at me and then they both turned away and had a giggly conversation. It had been 10 years since I had sent those few weeks going out with Sara and although we hadn't been right for each other as a couple, we had had some pretty electric times at my flat.
As the time passed and the canapΓ©s came round for the umpteenth time, closely followed by the champagne refills, I was feeling pretty mellow and I think everyone else was too.
The two women had disappeared while I was deep in conversation with a dentist about how the recession affected his business. Then I became aware of a presence just behind me and turned round to find Sara hanging around. We exchanged pleasantries and talked about what we'd been doing since we last met. Then she said 'It's beautiful house, isn't it? Have you had a good look around?'
'No,' I said, 'I'm kind of a friend of a friend here and don't really know the family.'
Sara took me by the hand and said 'Let's have a wander.' She was slim - in fact thinner than slim now in her upper body, although there was still more flesh on her below the waist - with short blonde hair and a pretty face. She led me upstairs, then up another flight to a small room in the roof. A sign on the door said 'Make yourself at home.' Sara led the way inside and closed the door behind us, then stood close to me and said 'I think I treated you badly all those years ago.'
'Oh, that's okay,' I mumbled, but she interrupted.
'No, it was bad and I'm sorry.' She put her hand around my head and kissed me. I drew her body towards me and enjoyed the feel of her naked back and the satin of her aquamarine ball gown. We began fumbling with each other's clothing, looking for a way in.
'Listen,' I whispered in her ear, 'Remember there was this thing we used to do that you'd never done with anyone else?'
'Still haven't,' she said.
'Well,' I ventured, 'I'd like to do it again.'
'But I'm supposed to be saying sorry to you , she said.