It takes me a little time to quite hear what Hannah has told me. Then she gives me a sharp look, as if affronted I've not reacted sooner to the news that she is potentially carrying a child that isn't her husbands.
"Hannah... how?"
It is the wrong question to put to her, and her sad sniffles are replaced with a touch of anger. "How do you think Izzy?!" she snaps, then goes back to looking morose again. "I... I slept with someone else."
"Who?" I demand, not taking kindly to her tone despite the pit opening up in my stomach.
Hannah licks her lips, but I already know what she is about to say, so I decide to say the name for her.
"Justin?"
My sister hesitates, then looks down solemnly and nods.
I lean back into my chair and exhale slowly, wondering how to untangle the extra mess that Hannah has added to the mess I am already in with her husband. The only difference between me and my little sister is I have been sensible enough to take medication after letting her husband repeatedly fill me with his seed.
"It was just the one time Izzy," she whines, and then asks forlornly "What do I do?"
There is only one option open as far as I can see. To save her marriage anyway.
"Abortion?" I suggest, hating the word as it lingers in the thick air of the kitchen. Hannah immediately looks up, aghast and with her hand protectively covering her stomach despite there being nothing to show.
"No! No that's... I don't want to... this child doesn't deserve that for my mistake. And Will might be okay with it. He's always wanted a family."
I let out a bitter laugh. "His own family Han," I tell her. "Not one you've made with another man."
This sets off her tears again and I sigh and get up from my seat, moving to take one next to her so that I can put a betraying arm around her shoulders. Would it make her feel better if I told her the full truth? That her marriage was a mess and had been since I'd drunkenly decided to fuck her husband on her wedding day?
After the loss of mum I know I can't. The family is fragile and any extra weight would break us all apart. Maybe it's selfish, but selfish is better than the alternative. Or at least I think so - I have no idea how Will will feel when he finds out.
And he needs to know this truth.
"You need to talk to Will then," I tell Hannah soothingly. "But you need to prepare for the worst Han. If you're going to keep this baby then he deserves to know the truth. It's not fair on him to let him think that you're carrying his child."
Or maybe it would be. After all he'd cheated on his wife with her big sister. Maybe this was a penance he had to pay for that. It just makes me wonder what mine will be when all this is done, and what will be left of the wreckage for me to make a life out of.
Hannah stays a little while longer with me but we don't go over what she needs to do. Instead I talk a little about pregnancy and what she might expect to happen over the next nine months, and how her body will change. She's more mentally prepared for this than I would have given her credit for, and as she leaves I wonder if I've underestimated my little sister.
All I'm left with when she's gone is the anxiety of what's to come next. How will Will react? Will he tell her about what he'd been doing with me? That he was no better than his wife? That, if anything, he was far, far worse because of who he'd been sleeping with. Repeatedly sleeping with, in fact.
I don't communicate with Hannah or her husband over the next few days, mainly out of cowardice. Instead I sleep poorly and await the coming tide of chaos I know is just around the corner.
It's four days past her visit when I receive a message from dad telling me that Hannah is staying with him for a while. That she's told him she's pregnant, and that there are some 'complications'. Which, I think, is a very dad way of understating what has actually transpired.
When I visit them both after work with the girls, Hannah is disconsolate. Ensuring Jo and Gabby are suitably distracted by my father in another room, she tells me Will had thrown her out after a huge argument, apoplectic with rage that she refused to have an abortion to save their marriage. That he'd cried in front of her, telling her how badly he'd wanted a family and how she had betrayed him by getting pregnant by another man. A man he had told her he wasn't comfortable with her being around given their past.
The fact that she doesn't swing for me suggests that, for whatever reason, Will has decided not to tell Hannah about us. And I can't decide whether that's a good thing or not.
There's little I can say to my sister to make this better. I tell myself that this would be the reaction of Will regardless of his own infidelity, but I do wonder whether Hannah would have strayed if I had not been repeatedly falling into Will's arms. "I've made such a mess," Hannah eventually sniffs. "And I don't know what to do to get out of it."
That, I think, makes two of us.
Hannah, eyes wide with desperation, reaches over and takes my hand in hers. "Izzy," she starts pleadingly. "You have to help me."
I bark a laugh and shake my head and look at my sister with some degree of affection. "How can I help you Han? This is something between you and Will honey."
"You could talk to him."
My teeth bite into my lower lip and try to think of the most polite, least guilty way of telling Hannah no. I eventually plump with "I don't think that would be wise Han."
"Please Iz. He's always telling me how much he respects you, how impressed he is with how you hold yourself. Honestly I think he liked you more than me, even before this."
It's like I've been punched by words. Maybe Hannah is saying it just to convince me to do this for her, but even then I can't help but feel a little elation that Will would think of me so highly. Regardless, the idea of getting any more involved than I am is a mistake.
"What would I even say Hannah? You won't change your mind, so why-"
"Because I want him to be the dad." she interrupts. "I know I made a mistake. I was stupid. So stupid. But I love him and I wish... I just want to make it right. It doesn't have to be like this. No one will ever know the child is anyone's but his."
