Hannah turns away and against all better judgement I chase after her, holding the dressing gown to my naked form in the hope I don't spill out of it. It must look pathetic to any neighbours watching, a scantily clad middle-aged woman chasing after her pregnant sister.
"Han wait," I say pushing her car door shut as she gets to it. "I can explain."
It's such a stupid thing to say and she knows it. And it's very much unlike Hannah to bark as bitterly as she does then - in fact, it's something altogether like something I'd have done once upon a time. A time before Will.
"Oh really? You can explain why you're naked but for a practically sheer dressing gown, answering the door in my ex-husband's house?"
I bite my lower lip and groan. "Well, maybe not." I admit, deciding that there's nothing I can say that will be able to explain this away.
"No, I didn't think so. You... you're sleeping with him?"
A deep breath as I look my sister in the eye. I give her the slightest of nods, which just makes her look even more sickened.
"You went to him to save my marriage." she says, not looking at me. And what's worse than the anger and the revulsed looks is this new look - sadness. Betrayal. My heart breaks for her, and my hand instinctively goes for hers, only for her to snatch it away as if I'd touched her with a hot iron.
"Don't touch me," she snarls.
"I did try Han. I promise you I did. I... this all happened afterwards. Just last week, actually. After Jo's birthday party."
It's the look of betrayal, I tell myself. That's why I'm lying to her. At this point I'm trying to save my family, and save my sister's heart. It's selfish, I know, but I don't know what else to do other than try and protect her. She looks at me and I see tears stinging her eyes.
"You're my sister," she gasps, the pain all so obvious now. "You shouldn't have done anything with him. How could you Izzy? How could you do this to me?"
Tears trickle down my cheeks. "I'm sorry Hannah. I am. I never wanted you to find out like this." I sniff, but she just shakes her head and tries the door of her car again.
"Please let me go. I don't want to see you. I can't stomach it."
I want to beg her to let me talk to her, but I have no idea what I will say. So I let go of the door and watch Hannah get in and quickly reverse away. And I'm left standing in the middle of the street, wind pulling at the hem of my gown, until the car disappears round the corner.
Will has seen it all. He stands in his doorway looking as pale as I feel, and he guides me into the living room and sits me down on the sofa. It's there that I fully break down, ugly crying into his shoulder as the enormity of my constant selfish actions finally catch up to me. And it's not even me I'm sorry for - I'm sorry for Hannah, and I'm sorry for my girls because I fear they will never see their aunt again.
"Does she know everything?" Will asks tentatively when I'm left with only hiccuping miserably.
"Um... I said it started last week. I couldn't tell her the truth Will. You should have seen her face. I can't believe I've done this to her. Why have I been so selfish? Why didn't I stop?"
"You can't beat yourself up about it," he soothes. "And it's not like she's acted any better than us - she's carrying Justin's baby. Do you regret what we've done?"
I look at him then and measure up the guilt with the feelings and confidence that Will has given me. It's a very easy answer to give him. "No, not at all. But it's not just me that's affected by what we've done, handsome."
He pauses then his head drops. "Your daughters," he says quietly.
What will my girls think of me when they realise that mummy has done something to hurt their aunt? That she's been selfish and only thought of her own happiness instead of considering them?
"You're allowed to be selfish you know."
It's like he's been reading my thoughts, and I can't help but smile sadly at him as I touch his face. "No, I can't. Not when it comes to them. That's not how I work. How motherhood works."
We sit in silence for a time, holding each other's hands while I consider what I can do to fix this situation. There is a part of me that doesn't want to fix anything - at this point what I'm doing with Will to the outside world is perfectly reasonable, if a little cold considering Hannah's feelings and the past she shares with him. But then I think of what Han will tell my brother, father and wider family, and I know that I can't raise my girls without them.
A decision somewhat made, I stand up and turn to look at Will. He looks up from me expectantly but he already knows what I'm going to say, preempting me before I even open my mouth.
"You're leaving."
I nod. "I am. I'll get changed and head home and... think about what to do next." I sigh. "I don't think either of us will enjoy ourselves too much considering what's just happened."
His disappointment is plain to see, but he still smiles at me. "Well... at least we got to do something."
Even now, when he's clearly as upset about our dirty weekend being cut short, he's kind. I lean down to kiss him, savouring his lips and his touch as a hand goes around my waist. It would be so easy to straddle him, to let him open my gown and kiss my body so that he can kiss and fuck away all of my problems. I pull away before my resolve fades.
I don't spend much longer in his house. My clothes and bags are quickly packed and I head home after kissing Will a little too long in his hallway. I kiss him hard because I don't know when I'll get a chance to again. Whether the situation is going to be such that there is no future for us together.
Knowing Hannah, I know she needs time to calm down. So I only go home and refrain from contacting her in any way. I try to think about how I felt when I found out my ex had cheated on me, about the betrayal and pain I felt. And while what Hannah had seen between me and Will wasn't quite the same, it was close enough that I could empathise with how she felt.
There is only so long someone can wait though. After a week of silence between myself and Hannah, I decide it can't go on any longer. I have discussions over text with Will regarding whether it should be him that speaks to my sister, but I feel like this is my fault and so I want to own it. If anyone should take the brunt of her ire, it should be me.
That Friday I head to my father's home with the girls and already know that this will be difficult. Dad is so short with me when he answers the door, and it's clear that he knows and doesn't approve. That hurts more than how Hannah had looked at me at Will's door, and all I want to do is tell him that it's not as bad as it seems. That I'm in love with him. That I see the rest of my life at his side.
Just like Hannah had.
