The next day was perfect.
Will came to mine in the evening for tea and the girls got to meet their mother's new boyfriend. We sit in the living room and discuss with them openly about the break up of his marriage, explaining to them gently that sometimes things just don't work out. That just because Will was no longer with Hannah didn't mean he didn't care about her. That it wasn't too dissimilar to how it was between their father and me.
The messier details we keep from them, but they understood in their own way. Plus they are far more excited that they will be seeing more of Will, who they adore. I watch the three of them play together while I cook us dinner, and then after that is all done and Will has washed up, we sit and watch a film together as a family.
I have never felt so complete, so blissful, as I am while sat with my girls cuddled up beside us and my hand in Will's.
That night, with the girls asleep, me and Will make love slowly, savouring everything we've robbed ourselves of in the rush to consummate our relationship the day before. There is no need to rush anymore, no sneaking out of the house as dawn approaches - as far as I am concerned there's nothing wrong about what we are doing any longer. Without the complications we can just be ourselves and when he pushes me over the edge, any worries that it might not be as intense without the rush of naughtiness is quickly forgotten. Will still feels as perfect for me as he always has done.
I had become so tired of the empty sheets I'd slept besides. Of sliding under cold duvets and wishing for any kind of warmth to wrap around me and feel wanted and loved. And when Will turns the lights off and wraps his strong arm around me, I have to fight back tears. I am safe, and happy and so in love.
For the next few months he spends most of his evenings around mine and sleeping with me. Without really thinking about it Will becomes a part of my family - helping the girls with their homework, doing odd DIY jobs around the house - even attending a parent's evening at school with me. In just a few months we had become inseparable - we'd even transitioned into the stage of not fucking every night, which wasn't even unwelcome. If anything it felt like a statement on how serious we are becoming that we aren't quite as insatiable as we once were.
He isn't just my boyfriend any more - he is my partner.
Despite all the good things happening for me, my sister and I are still not speaking. She doesn't reach out after I had made my declaration of love for Will in front of her and I am too happy with my lot to want to reach out and build bridges at the risk of ruining my own happiness. So the only news I hear is second hand from either dad or Will, who has to keep in some contact with her as they sell their house. I know her pregnancy is going well, and that's enough information for me.
"She misses you, I think," Will tells me one night, our naked limbs entwined. It's the weekend and the girls are with their dad, which means a chance to be far more vocal with our lovemaking. He'd spent most of the day around the house with Hannah and Justin, divvying up their belongings so there was very little left for Will to live in. Not that he is spending much time there anymore - he is constantly staying at mine now, only going to his home, ironically, to work.
"Well, she knows my number doesn't she?"
"You don't want to make up with her?" he asks, eyes fixated on his finger that is slowly circling my areola.
"Not especially," I say truthfully. "She's a drama queen. Always has been. You know this as well as I do. I'm utterly content with my life honey, and I don't want to add any of what she brings to it. She's happy. I'm happy."
"I'm just thinking," he says slowly, pausing to kiss my bare shoulder. "That sooner or later you're going to have to see her. And the longer you go on ignoring her, the more painful that moment will be."
"She's ignoring me too!" I half snap.
"I know she is," he tells me calmly. "But don't you want to be the bigger person here? Set a good example of forgiveness to Gabby and Jo?"
My lips go thin as he traps me with his logic, because he knows how much I love setting a positive example to my daughters. I exhale loudly through my nostrils and Will laughs beside me, making me laugh too. I shake my head and poke his chest. "You're such a little cunt! 'Oh why not be a good mum Izzy?!'" I drone, mimicking his deep voice. "'Don't you want to be a good role model?!''"
"You are a good mum," he chuckles as I climb on top of him and straddle his chest, our hands linking together.
"I am," I agree confidently. "You make me a better one. And I can't decide if I love you or hate you for it."
"And what are you going to do about it?" he grins, his hands guiding mine down my thick thighs. His fingers push into my pale flesh and I know he wants me to straddle his face so he can taste me again. I've always just known what he wants from me, without ever needing anything other than the most subtle of directions.
"Shut you up the only way I know how," I tell him with a wink. "But when we're done we're discussing your living arrangements."
I'm true to my word, cuddling up to him in my post-orgasmic bliss and resting my head on his chest. "So... wanna move in?" I ask him, voice almost a slur as sleep starts to tug insistently on my consciousness. "Seems stupid you only leaving the house now for work. It will be empty most of the day, and we can make some space for your stuff I'm sure."
"You sure it's not too quick?" he queries, fingers dancing along my spine.
"It's not about what's quick, it's about what feels right. You're here all the time. Your clothes are here. Most of your stuff is. May as well make it official."
I feel him nod and take a deep breath. "Then it's a plan," he says, then adds entirely inappropriately, "How is it you make the most sense after you've cum?"
Apparently I'm not that sleepy because I suddenly have the energy to wrestle him for his poor choice of pillow talk. After I've taught him a lesson, we finalise him moving in. And within the week his old house is empty and I have a new official roommate. It's a squeeze for us, but there is no rush to move just yet. We'll go with whatever feels the most natural at the time because I'm far too old, and Will too wise, for playing games.
He is right about needing to make amends with my sister though. But saying I'm going to do it and actually doing it are two very different things. Will nags at me to act at least twice a week and each time I tell him I will. But there's still a lot of guilt there, and I can still see Hannah's face when she caught me around their home wearing nothing but a dressing gown. Each time he reminds me to get in touch I tell him next week, that I know my sister and I both need time.
But weeks eventually turn into months, and in the end it isn't me making that first move, but her.
I'm on my break when I get a message from Hannah, asking if I'm at work. I'm a little nervous when I receive the message from her because it's such a specific question to ask after months of silence between us. So I tentatively reply with an affirmative and wait for a response. It comes quickly.
"I'm in ward 14"
I blink at the words and then it sinks in. The maternity ward.
It's so strange that after months of silence between us that I don't even bother finishing my lunch. Immediately I'm on my feet and trailing through the maze of white corridors that will lead the way to my sister and her child. I wonder what will be said between us - will she flaunt her child in front of me and declare I will never be an aunt to them? That kind of feels like something Hannah would do. Or would have done in the past - motherhood can change a woman, as I know from my first hand experience.
Nurses guide me into the ward and I see Hannah in bed cradling a small bundle in her arms. She looks exhausted, I think as I approach, but then I remember that feeling pretty well from my own fun with childbirth. I stop at the foot of her bed and look down at the small person she holds and the little pink hat adorning it's head.
"Congrats Han," I say, and find myself smiling despite everything that has come between us. It's hard not to be happy for her in this situation, as I remember holding my girls in my arms and knowing that pure, innocent love for the very first time.
