Who is Susan Jill Parker? If only William knew, would he still want her?
In the way that Zsa Zsa Gabor, Debbie Reynolds, Elizabeth Taylor, and so many others willingly gave their bodies to so many men and promised their love to so many husbands, these beautiful sex sirens were unable to willingly submit enough of themselves to give them their hearts. Even though those women and women like them who were all so beautiful on the outside, forever damaged and tragically broken, they were all so empty and dead on the inside. In the way of a zombie mindlessly going through the motions of vicariously living life by watching how others interact with one another, the walking and unfeeling dead, how can someone so beautiful on the outside be so ugly and vacant on the inside? When it came to feeling normal emotions, desensitized, demoralized, and feeling guilty that being sexually abused was all somehow their fault, there was no one home and the messages of emotionally caring for their lover went unanswered.
Hiding behind their smiling masks of makeup, their endless numbers of plastic surgeries, and their expensive, custom tailored wardrobes, survivors of sexual abuse swept what happened to them under the rug by preferring to show who they're not rather than who they are. Afraid and unable to show who they are for fear they'd be rejected, the sexually abused women of the world soothe and numb their pain with alcohol, drugs, and/or sex but never with love. Unable to confess their dark secrets that would expose the monster that they have hidden inside, they're doomed to be alone even when with their boyfriend, their husband, their lesbian lover, and/or with a room full of people. Just wanting to be left alone and preferring the quiet to the static that runs through their heads in the way of an endless freight train grinding steel on steel, too haunted by the past to live in the present, they dread the future. Unable to give what the other wants, they run from love and from any romantic and emotional relationship where they are forced to feel and confront something that invades their being and that makes them feel trapped and uncomfortable.
Concentrating his attention more on his fetishes than on her, William didn't have a clue who Susan Jill Parker was. How could he? Other than watching her act in her porn films, he thought he knew her by watching her in porn movies but he didn't know who she was when not on camera. Maybe afraid that the sexual fantasy bubble that he has of her would burst and he'd be disappointed, he didn't want to take the time to know who she was. More focused on the outside package, maybe it was as simple as he didn't care who she was on the inside. More focused on her bras, on her panties, and on her shoes, even though he'd say differently, he didn't even care about her in the way he cared for his cold, bitchy wife of thirty-something years. More focusing his eyes, his mind, and his heart on her beauty and on something so elusive and on something that he could never possess, the fleeting image of a sexual fantasy, he more stared at her underwear clad and naked body than at the woman herself.
Who was she? He may thought he knew and surely he did on the surface, but he really didn't know her. Why did she move here, of all the places that she could have lived, when she could have lived anywhere? This is a mature neighborhood of older residents. There's nothing here for her but quiet while watching the neighbors being taken out in ambulances one by one to live the rest of the lives in nursing homes before being taken to the morgue and buried in the cemetery. Surely, of all the hip places to live, this wasn't the neighborhood that would welcome a porn star, if only they knew she was a porn star. Other than he and his wife knowing what she did for a living to make her living, always wearing sunglasses, baggy clothes, and a hat to hide her fame, no one else knew.
Other than that she was a porn star, the little that he read of her in her online biography, and that she was his sexy neighbor who paraded around her bedroom in her underwear before stripping naked and masturbating, he didn't know anything else about her. With his voyeurism and fetishes for her panties, bras, and high heeled shoes getting in the way of his commonsense, if only William knew what he was seeing wasn't really Susan Jill Parker at all, would he still be as enamored with her and as sexually attracted to her as he is now? Chances are, content just to watch her flaunt her underwear clad and naked body to him, not wanting to take the time to explore the inner workings of her, other than continuing his sexual fantasy, he probably would no longer be interested in having a relationship with her. Being that he already had a wife and a life, why would he dare want a mistress who live across the street from his house?
Troubled, problematic, damaged, and an emotional mess, she'd never reveal the real woman that hid behind her pain, her sorrow, and behind her mask of makeup to anyone, especially not to him. Hiding behind her perfectly pretty facade, she was just acting when she stripped down to her underwear and when she gave him her naked striptease show before masturbating herself in the way that he and his wife did too. Every night she gave him an encore performance and every night he watched while masturbating with her. Only he made the mistake of thinking that she was just as perversely perverted as he was. She wasn't perversely perverted at all. He thought she was just as sexually satisfied by exposing her body to him as much as he was sexually excited in watching her expose her body to him before masturbating to him masturbating with her. Even though she was a porn star, a good, moral, conservative woman of character, in the way that Marie Osmond dresses sexy against her Mormon religion, just playing a role, she may be sexy but, in real life, she wasn't slutty. Moreover, hard to believe being that she was a porn star, she wasn't even sexual at all.
Sexually abused at young ages, all three woman, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Debbie Reynolds, and Elizabeth Taylor, and so many others like them, Oprah Winfrey, Queen Latifah, Susan Somers, Vanessa Williams, Mary J. Blige, McKensie Phillips, Teri Hatcher, and Ashley Judd, all shared the same, horrible, dark secrets that Susan hid behind her smiling, happy demeanor. Able to readily strip off her clothes and get naked on a director's cue, yet emotionally detached from the sexy scenes, she was too vulnerable and too angry to give any more of herself other than her naked, physical body. A survivor of sexual abuse, with her self-esteem and confidence battered but somehow still intact to continue to keep her safe from the onslaught of men still wanting to sexually abuse her, she struggled not to crumble when most days she'd just want to curl up in the fetal position and sleep.
Most days, when she wasn't sad and when she wasn't clinically depressed, she was angry. Yet, no matter how she felt, she'd never remove the pretense behind her eyes that kept her safe from men getting too close to her, close enough to hurt her again. One more man hurting her by forcing her to do something sexual that she didn't want to do may put her over the edge. Willing to allow men to control her by paying her huge sums of money to pretend that she enjoyed having sex, men could control her body but they'd never control her mind. The Oscars of porn, if only those in charge knew how much she acted while having sex for money, they'd give her the AVN award for the best female in a starring role.
