To Begin Again

Copyright 2005. All rights reserved.

"What you need is a good shag." Nadine Fellows said as she finished taking a sip of wine from her glass.

She looked across the table at the Castle Hotel in Taunton at her friend Natasha Wagstaffe and smiled.

"I don't think so." Natasha frowned as she replied causing the end of her nose to screw up slightly.

"Well." Nadine wasn't going to leave this particular bone alone. "When was the last time?"

"What?"

"You know. When you went with a man."

"Shush." Natasha hissed glancing furtively around the three parts filled restaurant. "People will hear."

Nobody seemed to be taking the slightest interest in them.

"Well." Nadine insisted. "When was it?"

"Phil." Natasha sighed.

"But you haven't seen him since you left Music College."

"I know." Natasha studied the remains on her plate. "Since what happened in Germany I don't know. I just don't want to."

"I'm sure you do."

Natasha clenched the tops of her thighs together. From the response of her body to her own touch while she had lain in bed that morning she did. But since the year before when she had been in Germany and she had been made to lay naked on the floor of her brother David's bands coach and expose herself to those men while they broadcast pictures of her onto the internet and then later to be threatened with rape in front of a bank of cameras she hadn't felt able to relax with men. Not that she hadn't had plenty of offers. She smiled to herself when she thought back to her visit to the States three months before to watch David's final concert on his current tour.

She'd been invited up on stage and had played the piano on one of the bands songs. David's wife, Marianne still wanted her to record some songs with her after she had had her baby. She might do it after all.

After the concert and the party she that followed it she had gone to New England and stayed with Ashley Wolfenstein for a week. That had been nice with the long horse-rides through the forests or boating on the lakes during the day and Barbeques in the evenings. Then going to the dance in the local village hall on the Friday night. They could have caught the train to New York and gone to any number of clubs and bars but it had been up to her Ashley had said and so she choose the local event.

Josh had been nice. Acted like the perfect gentleman. She'd enjoyed that night more than she could remember.

"What are you thinking about?" Nadine broke into her thoughts.

"Just somebody I met in America."

"What was he like?" Nadine asked.

"He was really nice."

"When are you seeing him again?"

Acted like the perfect gentleman Josh had. Until her last night. She had let him kiss her in his pickup. She hadn't really minded when he had felt one of her breasts through her shirt and bra. She had felt the stirrings beginning inside her. Felt the moisture gathering between her legs. Legs he had tried to force apart with his hand.

"I don't think I will be." Natasha replied.

No. She thought. She'd jumped like a virgin. Cried out loud and slapped his hand away.

They hadn't spoken a word on the drive home but she could sense his anger and frustration. Then when he'd turned towards her when he pulled up outside the front door of the Wolfenstein ranch she'd leapt from the vehicle before he could say a word.

No. She didn't think she'd see Josh again.

"So what are you going to do now?" Nadine asked realising she wasn't going to get anything more from Natasha about her love life.

"I'm helping out at the local school where my mother is head-teacher. Giving music lessons and organising the Christmas concert."

"You're not going to do that for the rest of your life."

"I don't know." Natasha contradicted her. "It has been a lot of fun." She had been dubious at first but eventually gave in to her Mother. And it was a lot of fun. She was seriously considering going to teacher training college and taking a certificate in education. She might sound out her mother's friend Shirley. She was a deputy chief education officer for the region. She would know all about it. She couldn't ask her mother. Not until she had made up her mind.

"What about your career as a musician?"

A waiter stopped at their table and placed a folded bill on a silver dish next to Natasha. Natasha took her Debit card from her purse and placed it on top of it.

"Hardly a career." Natasha pursed her lips. "The glamorous quartet thing had been done before. That didn't last long."

"I meant with David's band."

"I don't think I'm cut out for that life."

Drugs, drink and casual sex. No. That life wasn't for her. She didn't think it was really for David either. The group had done well. They had made a lot of money but there had been tensions between David and the others at the end of their last tour. He was married now and Marianne was expecting their baby. He told her he was thinking of concentrating on writing and producing. The house he was having built outside Bath was going to be fitted with its own recording studio. If anybody were to ask her she would have to say she didn't think the band would tour again.

She looked across the table at Nadine.

"I'm sorry. I'm not feeling that talkative today." She said.

"Yes. What you need is a good shag."

Chapter 2.

They collected their coats from the cloakroom in the foyer of the hotel and walked out into the grey November afternoon. It had been raining and Natasha skipped over a small puddle.

"Well I have to go back to work." Nadine said leaning forward and kissing Natasha on the cheek. "Don't forget tomorrow evening. We are all meeting in the pub at eight."

"I don't know." Natasha hesitated, not wanting to refuse the invitation to a night out outright. "I'll try."

"You be there." Nadine urged. "Now promise."

"Alright." Natasha gave in. "I'll be there."

"And catch a Taxi." Nadine said looking at her wristwatch. "I don't want to hear any silliness about you not being able to drink because you are driving. Now I must rush or I'll be late and Steve might make me stay behind after work. With any luck."

"I don't know how you can." Natasha was still shocked from hearing that her friend was the lover of her father's partner.

"Steve's lovely. I bet you would."

"No. It would be too much like going with my father. I've known him all my life."

"Now there's somebody." Nadine half smiled.

"You leave my father alone." Natasha replied indignantly.

"Oh, he's safe. I doubt if he's ever looked at anyone other than your mother. Still, he is nice. I'm off. See you tomorrow."

"Bye." Natasha raised her hand and watched Nadine's back as she disappeared beneath the archway into the main street where her father's firm of accountants had its offices. "Natasha!"

Natasha turned to face the direction the voice had come from and saw a tall, thin man walking towards her. She stared for a few seconds then recognition dawned.

"Hello Trevor. How are you?" She asked.

Trevor stopped in front towering over her.

"I thought it was you. But I wasn't certain. You're looking well."

He spoke in a rush.

"I'm fine Trevor." Natasha replied. "How long has it been? It must be six years."

"Nearer seven. I qualified as a vet."

"I am pleased for you. That's what you always wanted. Have you moved back here?"

"Yes. I'm the junior in a practice in Wellington. What are you doing? How's that pop-star brother of yours?"

"He's fine. Going to be a father soon."

"I read that in the papers." Trevor looked her up and down. "And what about you?"

"I'm not going to have a baby." Natasha smiled up at him. He blushed. She could always make him do that.

"I didn't mean that." He looked everywhere but at her. "Do you? Are you?"

"No." Nat shook her head slowly. "I'm between boyfriends, if that was what you meant?"

Trevor hesitated over what he was about to say next. Nat waited. Then waited some more.

"I'm sorry Trevor." She broke the silence. "I have to go. I'm working at my mother's school. You must come around one evening. David would love to see you. We're all staying at our parents."

I still live with them. She almost added. Twenty-three and still living at home.

"Do you want to go out for a drink one night?"

He'd finally asked.

"Sure. We'll make up a party with David and Marianne. Nobody bothers David in the village pub. Len kicks out anybody who tries."

"That would be good."

"See you soon. I'm glad you qualified. Bye."

Nat turn away and walked to where her mother's people carrier was parked. She opened the door and climbed in, looking back towards where Trevor still stood. He always had been a little wet. Not musical at all. Then there had always been the smell of the farmyard about him. He was thin. But then he had always been thin ever since she could remember him. A qualified vet and he was sort of handsome.

She smiled at him as she pulled away and waved. He raised a hand slowly in return.

Nadine was right. She could do with good shag.

Chapter 3.

There was the sound of somebody playing the piano in the music room as Nat opened the front door to her parent's house with her key. David's Saab was parked nearest to the front door with a MG sports car parked next to it. She recognised it as belonging to 'H', Artworks manager. She wondered what he wanted.

The rehearsal had gone well in school. Her mother was working on for a while and her father seldom got home before six. She was going to have a long soak in her bath. That was a nice tune. Slow. But all David's compositions started out like that. It all changed when 'H' and the other band members got their hands on them. Marianne was starting to sing.

She had to see them. Just tell them she was home.

She opened the door at the end of the corridor and entered the music room which covered the whole ground floor of one of the new wings to the house her parents had had built before she had been born. Marianne was standing beside the piano where she could see and be seen by David who was playing. 'H' was holding what looked like a glass of whisky.

They all looked towards her as she entered and the music and singing stopped.

"Has Nat played it yet?" 'H' asked.

"Not yet." David said, picking at some notes. "It isn't really finished yet. Hi Nat."

"Hello." Nat replied. "Played what? How are you feeling Mari?"

"I'm fine." Marianne replied rubbing her pronounced bump with one hand. "David's been writing some songs. For when we record together."

"I'm still not sure about that." Nat said.

"Come on." Mari urged. "It will be fun."

"A female duo." 'H' said. "There isn't one out there at the moment."

"I don't think so." Nat said walking to where David sat at the piano stool and looking over his shoulder at the sheet music in front of him.

David picked out the first chords then slide along the seat to make room for his sister. He knew she couldn't resist the chance to play. Her hands moved to where David's had been and copied his movements of a few seconds before. David took over when she had finished then removed his hands to let her play in turn.

"Nice." Nat said when they reached the end.

"It's chorus, verse, verse, chorus, verse, verse, chorus, chorus, end." David explained then stood up.

Nat settled herself down in the middle of the piano stool and began to play. David knew he was a good player but his sister was exceptional. She played the chorus then a verse and stopped. Then she started again from the beginning. It was the same tune but yet it was somehow different. Only subtle changes but it sounded different.

"Start again." Mari urged.

Nat played the notes of the chorus the Mari started to sing. At first they were not together. Nat stopped.

"Again." She said and began to play the chorus.

There was a slight change of pace to her playing and her eyes were on Mari's face as she sung. It was flowing. Mari's voice was clean and clear and powerful. Nat improvised a little at the end then stopped playing.

"That was great." 'H' said a huge smile on his face. "We need to get into a studio."

"Next year." David said. "After the baby is born."

"It is too late for Christmas." 'H' nodded his head. "This gives me some time to get things organised."

"Okay 'H'." David took his glass from his hand. "Aren't you supposed to be in London tonight?"

"Shit. Yes." 'H' looked from Nat to Mari and back again. "You really have something. This is going to be great."

"I'll see you out." David said taking one of his arms in his hand.

"Well?" Mari asked as the door closed behind the men.

"Well what?" Nat replied.

"Do you want to play with me?"

"I love to play." Nat replied. "I just don't want what goes with it."

"I watched you on the gigs you did with Artwork. You looked to be enjoying it. You looked as turned on by it all as the rest of us get."

Nat could feel her face colouring. It had been fun and yes, she had been turned on by it all. Alone in her bed afterwards she'd masturbated furiously. David had ensured there had been a security guard posted outside her door to keep unwanted visitors away but it hadn't kept away the noises from the parties taking place all around her and, later the groans and moans of couples having sex.

She could feel herself becoming moist just at the thought of it.

"It wouldn't be like it was with Artwork." Mari said. "Just the two of us. With David."

Of course it would be different. Not like being part of a male band at all.

"What will it entail?" Nat asked.

She was torn.

"First we record the album." Mari was suddenly quite business like. Then Nat remembered that she had been in the music business before David and Artwork had started out. She must have been involved in numerous negotiations with her managers and producers.

"'H' will put it out with a splash of publicity. Arrange a few TV shows for us to do. We will have to be prepared to go on talk shows and be interviewed. The biggest danger is the record company wanting to exploit us. I think we can avoid that. David was talking about starting up his own label."

"Everybody seems to have thought this all through." Nat played a scale then reversed it.

"It will mean a lot of rehearsals before we start recording."

"Well he's gone." David said as he entered the room. "What are you talking about?"

"I was explaining to Nat about what 'H' has in mind."

"It'll be fun." David assured her.

"It sounds like it might take up a lot of time." Nat said worriedly.

"In the beginning." David smiled and played a few notes on the keys at the end of the piano. "You don't have to tour if you don't want to. Just record. 'H' was right though. You are good together."

"Oh." Nat broke in. "Do you know who I met downtown?"

"Who?" David asked.

"Trevor Watkins."

"Trevor!" David exclaimed. "What was he doing there?"

"Apparently he's qualified as a Vet and is working in Wellington." Nat replied.

"Well what do you know?" David rubbed his chin.

"I said he should pop around one evening."

"Who's Trevor?" Mari asked.

"An old school friend of mine." David explained. "What did he look like?"

"Thin." Nat replied. "Tall and thin. But then he always was."

"Yes." David agreed. "Did he still smell of cow shit?"

"No." Nat replied indignantly. "He didn't smell at all."

"He was always hanging around farmyards." David said to Mari. "He was made to sit by an open window at school."

"He wasn't." Nat exclaimed.

"He was." David nodded. "You can ask him if you like."

Nat played the chorus of the song, then again in a different key.

"Don't change it too much or I'll have to put you on the credits which would mean splitting the royalties." David said.

"Heaven forbid that should happen." Nat replied. "You have other songs?"

"There are four more or less complete." David walked to the long sideboard carrying H's glass. "They are in the stool. Anybody else like a drink?"

"Tea please." Mari replied.

"Oh yes please." Nat agreed.

"I didn't mean tea." David picked up the whisky decanter.

"It's too early in the day for that." Mari said, shaking her head. "Isn't it Nat?"

Nat lifted her head from the open piano stool.

"Isn't it? Oh yes, far too early." She placed a pile of sheet music on top of the piano.

"They are the ones on top." David. Pointed out.

"I haven't seen these in years." Nat separated the pile and placed one of the sheets on the stand.

Mari looked over her shoulder.

"That's an old Mary Carver song. I used to sing that before I joined Foxart."

"My father wrote it."

"He wrote it!" Mari picked up a second music sheet as Nat played the opening bars. "And this one?"

"He wrote five or six if I remember right." Nat said concentrating on her playing for a few seconds before stopping. "He played on one of her records. London Quest." "I've heard it." Mari confirmed. "She had a great voice."

David came and stood by Mari putting his arm around her waist.

"I'm having a thought." He said.

"I doubt if Dad would agree." Nat said. "Or Mum, more to the point."

"Why?" Mari asked.

"I don't know." Nat said. "Something must have happened between them. Mum can't bide to hear her name mentioned. We don't have a copy of the album in the house."

"Intriguing." Mari said. "Do you know anything about it?"

She looked up at David as she asked the question.

"Not much." He replied. "It was a long time ago. Thirty years. Before I was born."

Just then the door opened and Paul Wagstaffe entered.

"Hello." He said. "What are you doing? Are you all right Marianne? Where's your mother?

"Hello dad." Nat said. "Had a busy day?"

"Not too bad." Paul replied picking up a whisky glass and the decanter. "Anybody?"

"Too early." David said.

"You're probably right." Paul replaced the glass and decanter. "I left Steve and Nadine working on some papers in his office. Where did you say your mother is?"

"She's still at the school." Nadine replied. "She shouldn't be too long."

Paul looked at his wristwatch.

"It looks like dinner in the pub then." He looked again at the whisky decanter. "I'm going to have a quick shower if we're going out."

"I want a lie down." Marianne said to David. "Just for a few minutes."

"Ok." David kissed her on her cheek. "I'll come with you."

Suddenly Nat was alone in the room. The curtains had been left open at the end overlooking the swimming pool and lawns. They'd switched the lights on the small footbridge over the stream on. She stood up and walked to the French windows and looked out.

She loved that house. She'd lived there all her life. She looked across to the entrance to the walled garden. She'd lost her virginity in there. Not really anything she looked back on too fondly. She'd had too much to drink when her parents had been away. She'd cried as he stood up afterwards and adjusted his clothing before her as she lay on her back on the grass. It had been a totally meaningless act for its own sake.

She went back to the piano and sat down. She looked at the sheet music in front of her at her father's neat handwriting. She picked out the opening notes. Mary Carver. She had been a big recording star in the seventies and eighties. This had been one of her greatest hits but strangely very few others had covered it.

She started again, this time in earnest. It was such a lovely tune to play she couldn't think why her mother didn't like to hear it. She started again, playing with the foot peddles to sharpen and lengthen the notes.

A sudden noise behind her made her stop and turn. Her mother was standing in the doorway.

"I've told you I don't like that song." Jenny Wagstaffe said.

"But never why." Nat replied her fingers moving back over the keyboard.

She didn't normally answer her mother back. She played the opening notes.