We were on a trip, staying in a hotel during a conference for trauma healing therapy. She came to my room wanting to talk about stuff that came up.
She was crying and put her head in my chest and I wrapped my arms around her. Her voice had that husky emotional tone and I could feel the heat of her breath against my wet shirt from her tears.
"My body feels numb and unnatural to be in.." she said and looked up into my eyes.
"..I want to feel my body but I don't think I can.."
"..I probably shouldn't be here.. I don't care what happens to me when I get like this.. so long as I'm not alone"
She looked me in the eyes, waiting endlessly. I considered, wondering what she was asking for.
I thought for a moment, then I put my hand to her cheek, and brushed her hair behind her ear. What does she actually want or need?
"What if I make you feel something?"
She scoffed, then resumed looking at me.
I placed her hand on my chest, over my heart so she could feel my heartbeat. Then to my cheek and neck, tracing my skin with her finger tips. I got goosebumps but she was the same, egging me on, expecting no change, wanting to prove to me her numbness.
We were in a sort of trance and I didn't want to break it, but I wanted to try more things. I ran my fingers along her forearms and hands, gently grazing her skin with the backs of my fingernails. She rotated her hands slowly and looked at them, as if she wondered what she might feel but nothing came. She returned her gaze to my eyes.
I touched her ears gently, rubbing the lobes, then running my fingers through her hair across her scalp. Her eyelids drooped a little but went right back to gazing endlessly.
I guided her to a chair and sat at her feet. She was wearing black sweatpants and a white t-shirt with no bra under. I asked if she could take off her sweatpants. She did so matter-of-factly.
I squeezed her feet gently and traced around her ankles. From that angle, her expression almost looked forlorn, as if I was a whisper of the past attempting to right a wrong that was long since confirmed into the history books. Like she felt sorry for me that I was trying, no hope that I would succeed, but didn't have the heart or impulse to tell me so.
I traced my fingertips up her calves to her knee and back down. Her skin was rough there, and cold. Her legs shaved but with stubble growing. She didn't seem to notice or care. I ran my fingers up her thigh and noticed the little tiny hairs there stood up against my touch. I looked up expectantly, but she still gazed at my eyes passionless.
I took a deep breath and ran my fingers back down her legs.
"Are you cold?" I asked
She continued looking at me, then slightly shook her head.
"Can you lie on the bed, on your stomach?"
She did so, and only after that did I notice how strange it was to not have her gaze on me anymore. It felt both relieving and also uncomfortable given what we were doing.
I traced my fingers across her low back and hips. My fingers were starting to feel a little numb from all the light friction. Again her tiny hairs responded, but nothing else from her.
I could see her chest rise and fall as she breathed. For some reason the silence that had hung in the room for so long felt heavy and I tried to ignore it. We were there and trying it, I was going to give it my best shot. I wanted her to FEEL something, in her body, from my touch. I wanted it for her, but also for me, for my own sanity I guess.
I traced up her back, over her shirt, at first with more pressure, then more lightly on her bare skin, pushing her shirt up as I moved. Her back muscles twitched a few times on her upper back.
I felt her shoulder blades, strong but small. Further apart than I expected. I pushed down into the flesh of her shoulders, still under her shirt and they were tight. I kneaded them a bit, almost on instinct. She breathed a little deeper and seemed to relax a little.
I moved my hands back down her back, squeezing and kneading and pushing, harder than it seemed like she could handle but of course she didn't complain. Her body just moved against my hands and the bed, her breath adjusting to the cadence of my pushing.
Over her hips, I rocked them side to side, alternately lifting and letting fall the right and then left, kind of hoping she would giggle or be ticklish from it. Of course nothing, though her body seemed very relaxed now. I almost wondered if she'd fall asleep while I was doing this.
Keeping a firmer touch, I ran my hands now over her butt and down the backs of her thighs to her feet, then back up. As I got back to her butt, I put my thumbs under her butt cheeks and in the crease of her underwear and gently spread them apart.
She seemed to stop breathing for a second and I got nervous I'd gone too far. I should've been checking myself. Shit. But also if she felt SOMETHING, that would also be something! Anything!
After a quick moment, I ran my hands back down her legs and started massaging her left calf muscle. Surprisingly she giggled at that!
"Haha haha" she squirmed her leg involuntarily.
I smiled thinking I'd won. She was smiling too and trying to look at my face with her neck craned to the side, but I could tell that same gaze was there.
I continued more slowly then, kneading her calf more gently but firmly and she didn't giggle. She was still watching me, which now felt uncomfortable, like she knew I was doing something naughty. I felt my cheeks flush a little.
