I never meant to have this happen. I know that most cheating spouses say things like this but bear with me. I wasn't shopping for a mistress when I met Jill. I'd had a brief affair once before but since then I'd been completely faithful and had done a good job of fooling myself into thinking I was happy with my wife. All that changed in the span of three weeks.
I met Jill at a holiday party in New York. She and her husband were hosting. My wife and I were invited by a mutual friend. I'd love to be romantic and tell you it was love at first site but it wasn't. Of course I noticed that Jill was beautiful but I only spoke to her for about five minutes. We got there late and she'd been drinking before we arrived so she didn't even remember me being there.
I actually spent most of my time talking to her husband. He was funny and pleasant enough to talk to but I knew there was something I didn't like about him. He was a bit loud and talked over me a bit. I like to talk and if someone dominates a conversation more than me, odds are he's an asshole. Regardless I did the polite 21st century thing and sent him a friend request on Facebook when we got home. I also sent one to Jill. That's when it started to get out of control.
I joined a Bipolar Support Group on Facebook and noticed that Jill joined it about five minutes later. Apparently her husband had seen it on my profile and suggested it to her. I sent her a message saying that I didn't know she was "one of us" and explained a little bit about my illness. I thought it may have been a bit forward and didn't expect a response. The next morning I woke up and had a five hundred word message from her talking about her struggles and asking me more about mine.
Talking about manic depression always helps. Especially with fellow crazies. I think that's why "our kind" is so drawn to one other. That and our firm belief that "stable" people are usually a bit boring. We exchanged five long and detailed messages that first day. It was Christmas Eve and both of us were trying to get some work done on the computer before we had to spend time with our families the next day. She's an actress and was putting the final touches on her latest Off-Off-Broadway play. I'm a freelance writer and was trying to finish up a few articles that would be due before the first of the year. I don't think either of us got much work done between our epic long e-mails.
Jill was just so easy to talk to. Or rather to e-mail to. She understood and was not easily startled. I shared some very deep and dark things that first day and she gave it right back. These messages went on like this for a week. Eventually the topic moved on to our various infidelities. Unfortunately, that can often be another Bipolar trait. We both agreed fairly soon on that this young relationship felt a bit like those other short and intense affairs but agreed to keep our clothes on and never meet. Our first of many silly rules that we would eventually make and ultimately break spectacularly. It was quite obvious that we were good outlets for each other and we wanted desperately to keep it that way.
Unfortunately the conversation soon included our marriages. I should have known from experience that it was dangerous to approach this subject with a woman. That's how the last affair began. Jill and I expressed that neither of us were happy and felt like we didn't love our spouses anymore. We didn't hate them or wish them ill. We just felt like we were wasting our time. As much as we wanted to we both agreed that talking trash about the other spouse was off limits. More rules.
It was all mostly innocent at this point. I think the beginning of the end happened after about ten days of e-mail marathons. Jill was obviously in a bad way and very upset. She is unable to have children and when her new play began to take on that subject she was distraught and just unable to deal with it. She tried to talk to her husband and he was very cold and just didn't understand. I was worried and gave her my cell phone number. I went out of the house to go to the gym and when I was changing in the locker room, I got her call.
"Hi... It's Jill. Can you talk?" she asked.
I was buck naked in a locker room and really couldn't talk but I was so unexpectedly excited to hear her voice that I said, "Of course."
I got dressed while talking to her as best I could. I'm not shy but telling a woman that I was naked during our first phone call was a bit much even for me. The jig was finally up when I had to put my shirt on and pull the phone away from my ear. She laughed and made a comment about not having to ask what I was wearing now. We had a good laugh and I immediately knew I really liked this woman.
There was no awkwardness during that first phone call. It was as if I'd known her for years. I suppose that's understandable given the intimate nature of our e-mail conversations but I was still shocked. We talked for over an hour about all manner of things. Our marriages, our jobs, day to day boredom and our fear of it. She admitted that she didn't remember me from the party and had been staring at my Facebook pictures trying to figure out how she'd missed me.
Was that a pass? It certainly felt like a bit of one. At least a pretty serious flirt. My heart leapt a bit. This beautiful, amazing woman was actually interested in me.
We hung up and immediately started exchanging text messages about how easy the conversation had been. She admitted that she was scared to death to call and had dialed and aborted twice. She said she felt stupid for worrying about it after the fact.
After that first call, the brakes were off. We continued the e-mail barrage and started speaking on the phone at least twice a day. One by one our nice safe rules fell away. Finally the only one left was our agreement to never meet face to face.
Meanwhile my bad marriage was coming to a head. I still don't think it had much to do with Jill. I was crazy about her but even at my most manic I'd never throw away a ten year marriage for a three week old online relationship. I just knew I couldn't live with her anymore. My wife had some anger management issues and it was getting to be too much to take. Everything was a fight. I just couldn't take it anymore and told her I needed to go away for a few days to clear my head. I made plans to go see my sister in North Carolina the following weekend.
I called Jill at our usual time the next day and she was a wreck again. She and her husband had gotten into a huge fight the night before. She was trying to talk to him about her illness and he just didn't understand. He said some very mean things and she felt very alone.
"I wish I could just come and get you," I said before I even had a chance to think about it.
