They ate breakfast together, the next morning. Ben looked like he'd been run over by a truck and Audrey was sullen. Barry, who had got up early to make pancakes and bacon, and had then roused everyone from sleep, was looking content. Esme had a knot in her stomach and could barely eat. She was trying not to look at Ben, who was studiously avoiding looking at anyone. She hoped everyone would assume that his behavior was the result of his latest hangover, and part of it likely was. But the other part of it was, no doubt, that he had been inside of her last night. Inside of Esme, that is, not Audrey; although perhaps he'd been inside of Audrey, too.
She wanted to throw up, but instead she took another bite of bacon, before setting the slice down and reaching for her water.
"So, how do you guys know each other again?" Audrey asked the question, and she was clearly asking Ben, not Barry. Ben looked woozy when he said, "Mutual friends, I guess. I think we've seen each other around at parties."
Audrey looked mad, and unconvinced. "Popcorn parties?"
"What?" Ben asked, and Esme shoveled a mouthful of pancakes into her mouth, though she wasn't particularly fond of pancakes, and wasn't particularly hungry.
Audrey was actively working not to clench her teeth. "I mean, last night we made popcorn without butter for her," she indicated to Esme with a dismissive wave of her hand, and Esme sunk lower in her chair. Did she know about last night?
Barry, sensing trouble, said, "Audrey, what's this about?"
"I'm just wondering why my fiancé knows how your girlfriend likes her popcorn. Because that's not something I really ever remember about any of my acquaintances." She looked at Ben, eyebrows raised. Her voice had a forced lightness to it. If thin ice were ever to speak to you, this is what it would have sounded like.
Ben opened his mouth to speak, but no words came. He stammered something unintelligible, and silence settled over the table. Ben was not a good liar, and never had been. Esme glanced at Barry but he seemed lost for words, as well. She tried not to look to her left at Audrey, for fear the girl would snap and stab her with her fork.
The silence became a fifth guest at the table, and Esme knew if it went on much longer there was no turning back.
Fuck it,
she decided, though she had no idea what she was going to say she knew someone had to come up with something. "It's okay, Ben, you can tell her, I don't mind." She took another bite of pancakes, stalling, and Ben just shook his head helplessly. She smiled, laughed a little, and swallowed the pancakes. "It's kind of an embarrassing story for me."
Barry and Ben had stopped moving, and Audrey's posture had loosened for the first time that morning. Esme sat up a little straighter and started talking. Where she would finish, no one knows. "We've seen each other at a few parties, and I had developed quite the crush on Ben here after the first two times I saw him. But the third time I saw him he arrived really late to a party I was at up on hillside, and I kind of decided to work up the courage to talk to him, but I was plastered and apparently looking pretty green. I think Ben must've seen the writing on the wall because he made it his mission to feed me." Esme took another bite of pancakes, and her stomach turned, she was full and wasn't sure she could force the bite down, but she needed to stall. A glance around the table made her realize Ben and Barry were both as still as statues, not knowing what she'd be able to pull out of her ass on short notice. She wished she had some sort of clue.
Esme swallowed, took a sip of water and continued, "So anyway, all they had left at that point was popcorn. But it was buttered, and it was from the bottom of the bowl so it was really buttered, just saturated with it. Well, I don't eat a lot of butter and I told him I don't like butter on my popcorn, just salt." She took another sip of water, and made a show of clearing her throat. "But I was in bad shape, and he made me eat some. And I was still kind of nervous around him, and thinking I might like him, so I ate a bite. And it was like eating fast food fries where the grease just coats your mouth, and the popcorn itself was kind of slimy and gross. And I just-- couldn't. I vomited, mostly into the bowl of popcorn but I'd had a lot to drink, and there was some splash and I got some throw up on his arm and leg, too. So, you know," Esme took another drink of water, "it was probably hard to forget after that that I didn't like butter on my popcorn."
Audrey's mouth had fallen open, and there was silence around the table. She had no idea if the girl had fallen for it, her expression did not give her away at all. "Oh, God, how embarrassing!" Audrey finally said, leaning forward and squeezing Esme's hand. "I am so sorry I put you on the spot and made you tell that story."
Ben and Barry visible relaxed, and Esme shrugged, feeling as though she really was going to be sick. Or go to hell. Or both. "It's okay. My crush on Ben kind of died alongside my pride, and the rest is history." She looked over at Barry and smiled, and found herself confronted with an expression of awe on his face.
They finished up breakfast and she was surprised when it was Audrey, and not the extremely worse for wear Ben, who went upstairs for a food-coma nap. Ben and Barry started clearing the table, cleaning up, so she moved into the hallway. She pulled on her boots, coat, hat and gloves and stepped out into the frigid morning air, moving carefully down the icy steps and walking in the direction of the lake.
She had no idea what she was going to do. She had lost the opportunity she had to explain herself, and her actions, last night. What was she going to say? That it was an accident? That she hadn't meant to have sex with Ben on the kitchen counter? Their weekend getaway had been coated in so many falsehoods she couldn't imagine thinking back on it fondly. But at the same time, Barry had spent much of the weekend holding her in his arms, and she had been content, for once. She had felt loved. And, as is her way, she had managed to completely destroy the happiness and replace it with misery.
The snow crunched beneath her Bunny boots, and the cold wind burned her exposed cheeks and nose. This was a paradise, of sorts. It was an arctic paradise, but still a paradise. It was a still day, with the lake frozen over, only a few caws from crows, but all other wildlife keeping quiet. She had come here with Barry with the hope that they would move their relationship forward, into something traditional. Things had not worked out that way and she was close to cutting her losses and running. Except that she and Barry had driven out here, together, and running away and leaving him to ride back with Ben and Audrey and without an explanation would be rude. But then, rudeness was the least of her concerns at this point.
What she needed to do was cut ties. It was not like she was locked into their group of friends, in fact they did not share mutual friends. They had gone to different high schools, and she had been three years behind them. She could potentially cut her losses and never have to see either of them again, and wasn't it better to do it now, before things got too complicated. Although, since she was madly in love with Barry, that was a bit like closing the barn door after the horse has escaped.
