Waiting For Nicholas

The wind had picked up, the night had grown cooler but she hadn't even noticed. The revolving light from the lighthouse played on her face, a face devoid of expression. Her mind was engaged, the voices in her head a jumble. As the voices grew louder and came faster her face began to change. Her mind was running the gamut, her life flashing before her eyes.

A child of five and her first day at school, her mother's voice, "Stop your sniveling and whining. You are going to school on the bus, you don't need me."

Her father chiming in, "I could take her on my way to work."

Mother snapping back, "That's what is wrong with her, you are always pampering her."

"For Pete's sake Ann, she's scared, she needs one of us."

She remembered her mother's eyes, the contempt in her voice, "Don't you think it's time you went to work? I will handle this."

She looked at her father and silently pleaded, "Help me Daddy, please."

Her father's look of defeat and shame as he silently stood up and left the room. She began to cry, to beg him to come back. The sharp slap across her mouth as she was told to shut up. Her mother literally dragging her to the bus stop, begging was useless, it only brought more punishment. Mother was good at meting out punishment, physical and mental.

Her eyes welled with tears, her head tipped to the side as she willed the vision to go away. It left, fading into the background only to be replaced by another. She was eight, they were arguing again or her mother was. Her mother's shrill voice, haranguing her father and his quiet responses. Her father, a gentle, kind soul who made the misfortune of marrying a woman like her mother. A bitter, hateful woman who used her tongue as a weapon. Her favorite sport was tearing her husband to shreds, belittling people was second nature to her.

Now she ran in the room and climbed in her father's lap, her small arms around his neck. "Oh yes, run to your father." Mother's voice was practically dripping with sarcasm, "She's your daughter Walter; weak, pathetic, spineless. She will end up a loser, just like you."

She could feel her father's arms as they tightened around her, his soft whisper in her ear. He carried her to bed, dried her tears and told her a story. Downstairs Mother was still ranting, something about the house being a dump. After her father tucked her in and left, her mother's voice rose again and she buried her head in the pillow.

"Go away,' she whispered. "I hate you."

The image faded and she stood quickly, moving to the lighthouse she put her face against its' rough surface. The cold of the stone felt good on her flushed skin. Her eyes felt gritty, she hadn't slept for days. The voices wouldn't let her, they just kept talking and talking. How long had she been out here? Time was meaningless to her now, she had to wait. Sitting on the blanket she picked up the sandwich and took a bite. The bread was hard, it had been sitting there for hours and she tossed it aside. Hunger was the least of her problems, food had no appeal. She curled up in the blanket, trying to stop the images in her head. No use; they flooded her brain. A raging torrent of memories which wouldn't be denied anymore.

Walking home at fourteen, hand in hand with her first boyfriend. She wasn't popular, her clothes the cheapest her mother could buy. Her mother bought clothes for durability not fashion, she could still hear the whispers and laughs of the other girls as she walked past. Her shyness had been a problem too, her inability to communicate on any level with her peers. Oh Mother had done her job well; she had made her feel beneath contempt. A pitiful excuse for a person until she met him. He was as shy as her and she knew it took all of his courage to approach her. They struck up a friendship, allies against everyone. They ate their lunches under the old tree on the school grounds and she felt herself opening up. Their relationship was innocent, holding hands as they walked, shy glances at each other. Then a chaste kiss, over quickly but it lingered in her mind. For the first time in her life she was happy, she waited for school days and she found she could laugh.

Like everything else in her life it ended; Mother saw to that. She showed up at the school yard, her face distorted with anger. She would never forget the humiliation, the shame she felt. Her mother's tirade went on and on, endless, incessant. He tried to explain but her mother was having none of it. He was banished from her life; she was alone again. From that day on her mother picked her up at school. She needn't have worried, after her mother's performance everyone steered clear of her.

The summer of her sixteenth birthday her father died; a beaten man. She knew his heart had died years ago, her mother had killed it. Standing by his coffin she looked at his face, her eyes dry...no tears came. She realized she had no love left for this man, he let it happen. He let Mother abuse her all these years and she felt no pain; no sorrow. With her father dead she was the complete focus of her mother's wrath. Life became worse if such a thing was possible. She counted the days until her eighteenth birthday, it finally meant her freedom.

College was the start of a whole new life for her...or so she had thought. She was away from her mother and for the first time in her life she could relax. There was no one to constantly hound her, to strip her of her pride and dignity. At first it was a simple pleasure, peace and quiet even in the hustle and bustle of college life. Her time was her own, her life her own. She spent a lot of time in the library; her passion was books. She loved lighthouses, seeing them as beacons of hope. She poured over books about them, the pictures represented what she wanted most in her life...solitude.

That is where she first saw Nicholas. She had found an old book on shipwrecks and sea captains. His face seemed to leap from the page, his very presence dynamic. She poured over the story again and again. His ship, caught in a storm and lost at sea. The words no survivors...no survivors...no survivors, they rang in her ears. She traced the outline of his face with her finger, dark eyes that held her in their grip. His thick black hair, strong jaw and an aquiline nose, they were all part of a man of decision and action. She didn't know how she knew, this was a man of fierce passions. Everywhere she went she saw his face, he occupied her waking moments. She told herself he died over a hundred years ago but he was achingly real to her. He was an unseen force that consumed her body and soul. She memorized the scant amount of knowledge she could find on him. He had already been to sea half of his life by the time of his death at thirty-four.

She would always remember that first night he came to her. Sleep had been elusive, it was very hot and she had spent the night trying to get comfortable. The breeze came up quickly, blowing the curtains out and cooling her overheated skin. He never spoke but she knew it was him, he was trying to communicate with her.

She whispered his name, "Nicholas...I'm here."

Tears ran down her face, the breeze intensified...a soft kiss that dried her tears. Her mind and body floated, she could feel his soft caress in the soft breeze. Her eyes grew heavy and finally she slept, content in the knowledge that he watched over her. As the days passed she realized she must get closer to him, she could feel him slipping away. She had to go find him, she had to go to the lighthouse on that rocky bluff and wait. She knew he would come, after all they were soul mates. Her father had left her a small allowance which was doled out to her every month and she bought her train ticket with it. She left everything, she needed nothing but Nicholas, wanted nothing but him. Arriving at the small town she took a cab to the lighthouse, her excitement knew no bounds. The cabby was reluctant to leave her there, after all he argued it was so remote out there. She assured him she would be fine and with a look of concern he finally left.

Adjusting her small backpack and carrying her blanket she climbed the hill to the lighthouse...their lighthouse. Reaching the top she dropped everything and moved to the edge of the bluff. It was a long way down to the rocky coastline below. The waves lapping on the shore were hypnotic and she felt all the tension drain from her body. She turned, her eyes traveling up the lighthouse and she knew at last she was home. This was where Nicholas would find her, where they would spend their lives together.

Now four days later she whispered in the dark silence. "Please Nicholas...please come for me."

The voices in her head were worsening, her mother's voice echoing over and over.

"Pathetic and weak...no good...never amount to anything."

She stood up again, her head threatening to explode. She pressed her fists to the sides of her head willing them away. She shook her head and screamed into the wind. Slowly opening her eyes she realized her head had cleared and she felt exhausted. Wrapping herself in the blanket she slept, a deep untroubled sleep.

She started, waking to feel the wind sweeping across her body. She sat up, her eyes straining, "Nicholas! You are here!"

He stood at the edge of the forest and she ran into his arms. Finally she felt safe, her mother would never hurt her again. She laid her cheek against the wool of his lapel as her tears fell. He took her face in his hands and let his thumbs brush the tears away. Their eyes were locked; his tender and gentle; hers shining and wet. They walked hand in hand to the blanket and he lowered her to the ground. Her hands fumbled with his coat buttons, pushing it off his shoulders. With trembling fingers she unbuttoned his shirt and slipped her hands inside. Once she touched his body she was insatiable, she needed to explore and learn this man. Opening his pants she grasped his hardness, thrilling to the guttural moan he emitted.

He skillfully undressed her, whispering words of love as his hands wandered her body. She arched as she felt his mouth on her breast, his teeth gently pulling on her nipple.

Looking up at her he finally spoke, "I want you to trust me, to give yourself to me."

"My life is yours," she whispered. "I will never leave you, you have my love always."

She gasped as he lifted her hips and she felt his body enter hers.

"You are mine now," he said softly.

"I was always yours," she answered quietly.

All her doubts and fears disappeared as their bodies melded together, their shared passion unleashed. The wind rose in intensity matching his thrusting body and her labored breathing. Her nails dug in his back, she felt his hot breath on her neck. She committed to memory every second of their feverish lovemaking. The rising tide below crashed over the rocky shore as her body exploded, setting off a series of shockwaves that raced through her body. Her cries of completion mixed with the sounds of the night, trailing off into the wind. Finally they were both still and she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep in his arms.

The sun woke her, she smiled as she remembered the night before. Gasping she spoke out loud, "Last night! Nicholas!"

Getting to her feet she looked around frantically, her eyes searching. The sweet relief when she saw him standing there and she knew he had watched over her, protecting her as she slept. She walked slowly towards him, almost in a trance.

"Please don't go," she begged. "Don't leave me here."

He smiled, a beautiful sight and said, "I was waiting for you. Come with me my darling."

She was at the edge of the bluff and she looked down, "I can't, I will fall."

"Do you think I would let that happen? Trust me, I will always be here for you."

She looked in his eyes and saw the sincerity and love. How could she have ever doubted him? With a sob of joy she rushed forward, into the abyss. At last they were together...forever.