For months my wife had been other than her normally cheerful self.
It was clear she had been depressed and out of sorts for nearly a year.
Her mood was sullen and despondent, and she had very little enthusiasm for much of anything.
I really wanted to bring her out of it, but I didn't have a clue about what had gotten her so down.
She had very little interest in sex, at least with me, but I wasn't sure it was a sexual problem.
She would sleep most of the time and stay around the house during the day just watching daytime television and reading romance novels.
I tried many things but nothing seemed to interest her.
I tried to interest her in travel, suggested taking a vacation, but nothing seemed to help.
She wasn't interested.
I talked to a couple of her friends, and they had noticed it too, but neither of them had any idea what the problem was.
She is a very private person, and I wasn't surprised they didn't know.
I then found a website for a swinging group locally and I printed out the homepage.
It was a desperate measure, but I was at my wits end.
I left it on the coffee table in the family room and waited to see if she would find it.
Maybe that would interest her.
She had been pretty sexually active before we met, and I thought maybe that could do the trick.
Maybe she just needed some variety.
One day I came home from work and she was obviously angry about something.
You know when you don't have to ask, you just know you're in the doghouse.
Finally, just before dinner she tossed the swingers brochure on the kitchen table and said, "Is this your idea of a joke?
You trying to tell me something?" she asked in an angry voice that said I had just fucked up royally.
"So, you looking to fuck somebody's wife?" she asked angrily.
I said I was just looking for something to bring her out of her funk, that I was just grasping at straws.
"So being fucked by another woman's husband will do that you think?" she asked with her hands on her hips, in the pose like a boxer who had just knocked down his opponent, standing over her flattened adversary like she was ready to finish him off.
I stood up from my chair and took the brochure and turned it towards her.
"I just thought it might be something you might be interested in.
You used to like sex.
I don't know.
I thought it might help.
You seem so depressed lately," I said.
"You haven't wanted sex with me for months.
You are obviously unhappy.
I was willing to try anything.
Really, anything.
It wasn't something I had ever thought about, but I would try it if it would help get you out of whatever it is that's got you so depressed."
She suddenly collapsed on the chair behind her and started to cry.
"I am so sorry," she said in an instant turnaround, looking positively miserable.
"I don't know what is wrong lately."
She was quiet for a while, then she looked up and smiled sheepishly.
"I haven't been a very good wife lately," she said.
"I am so, so sorry," she said.
"I don't know what is wrong with me."
"I am willing to try anything.
Really," I said, "absolutely anything.
I love you more than I can even express.
There is nothing I won't do for you.
If you want it, I will do it," I said.
"Anything, anybody, anyway.
I will try whatever it is you think you need," I said, pleading my case and trying make her understand how serious I was.
She was quiet for a long time.
We simply looked at one another, with neither of us knowing what to say.
Finally, she raised her head and smiled at me with the saddest eyes I think I have ever seen.
"I have been having temptations lately that frighten me," she confessed.
"I am ashamed of them, embarrassed at myself and what I have been thinking about lately."
I put my hand on her cheek.
"You don't need to be ashamed of anything," I said.
"You mean like other people?" I asked.
She nodded.
"That is perfectly normal.
Everyone has feelings like that.
Curiosity.
That is normal.
Everyone thinks about what it would be like to be with someone else.
I have, but I want to be with you," I said.
"But sexual curiosity is common.
Some people even experiment.
Some people share their partners with others," I said.
"If you need that, I could handle that if I had to.
You think you might want that?"
"I don't know," she said.
"Maybe.
I don't know."
She shrugged.
"Think about it.
If you need that, then I can do it.
Even if you don't want me to have sex with anyone else, but if that is what you want, I can do that," I said, taking her into my arms.
We held each other for a long time.
"I swear I will do whatever you need, whatever it takes."
"You wouldn't hate me if I wanted sex with someone else?" she asked with a voice so dejected and meek that it nearly killed me to hear.
"I couldn't hate you if you wanted to screw everybody I know," I said.
She laughed and dried her eyes on her sleeve.
She shook her head.
"Not everyone you know," she said shaking her head still.
"I don't like everyone you know."
I laughed and kissed her again tenderly.
"Everyone you like," I said with a chuckle, trying hard to keep her joking, keep her smiling.
Again, she shook her head and laugh-cried at the same time.
"I didn't think I would ever have these thoughts," she said tearfully.
"I have felt so guilty, so depraved, so immoral," she said sadly. We held each other without speaking.
I waited for her to go on, but she was silent.