Based on a true story…
It was a pretty normal Friday evening in my little college town. Basically, I had the choice of going to a frat party and drinking: staying in the dorms and rounding up a couple of the guys and drinking: or going to a dive bar and, ta-da, drinking.
The futility of it all was starting to wear me down so I decided against all three and just kicked back in my room and read a book while listening to some tunes. A solitary evening perhaps, but one that would most likely be more intellectually stimulating then normal. Plus I would not be paying for it with Tylenol in the morning.
Of course, since this was a decision that would keep me out of trouble it had no chance of actually lasting throughout the night. A more appropriate major for me would have been alcohol with a minor in athletics. Unlikely to be worth much in the job market but at least it would have been honest.
At about ten o’clock Jason walked into my room. I’d like to say he knocked but then it would not have been Jason. Jason was as full of contradictions as he was of himself. Thinking he was polite while never having learned how to knock was the least of these.
The one that was the most annoying was that he thought of himself as a “Ladies Man”.
Perhaps he was, at least until they sobered up. He thought he knew everything there was to know about women at 21. At best, he knew everything he was ever going to know about women by 21.
In the kind of cruel humor favored by those who think of the almighty as a sadist, Jason was a looker. Even a guy who has never felt leanings towards his own sex learns to recognize the competition. I was pretty confident about myself in most ways but I knew Jason killed me in that area.
However, he was so stuck up and shallow that he was hardly a threat on campus. With a student body of about 5000, word got around pretty quick.
“Dude, what are you doing,” Jason exclaimed at about 20 decibels louder than necessary. “It’s Friday night, you can’t just hang out.”
“Why Jason?” I replied, “You have a more productive plan for me?”
“Hell yes!” said Jason, “You got the room to yourself for the weekend because Andrew is down in Iowa City with Nicole, right?”
I nodded, because Jason knew perfectly well that this was almost always the case with my roommate. Andrew and Nicky had been together for as long as I knew them and it had been a key factor when Andrew was looking for a roomie. Who would not want the extra space most weekends?
“Well, Greg just took off for Davenport so I’m in the same situation. Dude, I can’t just sit around, I gotta get laid!” Jason said that like he was hungry and wanted someone to go halves on a pizza. I knew at that point that I was going to get talked into it just to shut him up, so I put down my book and was already getting ready as he did a clumsy spin and headed to his room two doors down chanting, “Gomer’s, Gomer‘s, Gomer’s!”
Gomer’s was a typical college bar for one of these midwestern towns where the students made up a third of the population. It had two floors, the first with a bar and a dance floor and the basement with pool tables, another bar and the restrooms. With three colleges in town it was always fairly busy but only uncomfortably so on nights where they offered drink specials.
It was part of a two-block strip located midway between the three schools that was close enough to each campus so drunks could walk back to the dorms. The local cops mostly turned a blind eye to the fact that ID checks were casual at best because it was convenient for them to have most of the kids concentrated in a controllable area.
As I pulled on my jacket Jason came sauntering back into my room and snatched my keys up off my desk.
“ C’mon, dude! I’m driving!”
“No,” I said coldly, “You’re not. It is less than a mile and odds are we will both be hammered by closing time. I’ll come along and play sidekick but my car stays here.”
“Jeez, lighten up Will,” Jason replied, “It’s been three fuckin’ weeks and she ain’t even that cool of a girl.”
Typical. Reminding me of my recent break-up was hardly a way to make me feel more festive, but for Jason to realize that would require that he think before speaking. Not likely.
Gomer’s was packed with kids celebrating the beginning of the weekend. The dance floor was wall-to-wall bodies and every table was taken so I kicked back against the bar while the hunter cruised from group to group looking for prey. Jason had been slamming beers in between dancing with different girls for the last hour but I had kinda chilled and nursed a couple of vodka tonics. Admittedly, the atmosphere was working a little bit and I was feeling slightly less anti-social. There were a couple of girls at a nearby table that I knew from a class at Clarke College. Maybe…
“DUDE! Check it out!”
“What, Jason?” I guess I had forgotten my primary role here. Just as I had decided to focus on a more pleasing possibility…
“There, Will, at the table on the right. The blonde, man, the blonde!”
Say what you will, Jason was right this time. The girl in question was a stunner. She would stand out in any crowd. I wondered how it had taken this long for either of us to notice her. She was sitting with a group near the dance floor talking to a brunette who had her back to us.
“I’ve been watching for the last couple of minutes,” Jason confided, “The other people are all paired up except for her and the brunette. She’s turned a couple guys down. I don’t think she wants to leave her friend sitting alone, ya know.”
I have to admit that for him that was almost subtle. It was obvious he wanted me to ask the brunette to dance or at least to sit and talk with her while he hit on the blonde. What the hell, this was why he wanted me to come along in the first place. I either play wingman or I get to hold his hand on the walk home so he doesn’t get scared of the dark. Given that choice I would much rather end up holding her hand on a walk than his.
“OK, Jase, let’s give it a shot. Next song?”
“Yeah, but if it’s a slow song we just ask to sit down, right? I mean, we don’t want them to think we’re just trying to hit on them.”
