The next morning came with a headache, the desperate need for coffee, and a feeling of "oh crap, did we do something wrong?" As I rolled out of bed and down the stairs, I felt a little relief as I could smell coffee brewing. Matt, who as of a few hours before was most likely going to need a liver transplant, was in the kitchen acting like the dickhead he is for never getting a hangover.
"Hey Tom, thanks for a fun night last night, I can barely remember anything after doing shots at The Blue Oyster. I didn't do anything that's going to get me in trouble, did I?"
"No," I said with a grin, "YOU didn't do anything wrong."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Asked Matt, feeling a little nervous.
"Don't worry about it, Mike took a few interesting pictures we can delete, but you should see them before he does."
"Uhhh ok. Speaking of Mike, I think I hear him staggering around upstairs."
A few minutes later, Mike came downstairs looking the same way I felt. He managed to cover it up a little by saying "well well, if it isn't Mr Too Drunk To Enjoy Himself."
"Alright, that's the second rather evasive remark about last night. Can you just tell me what happened?" Asked Matt.
"Sure, we could tell you, or... We could show you!"
"What's that mean?" Asked Matt starting to get really apprehensive.
"Not so fast! A man needs his coffee in the morning first, right? Give me a second and I'll show you some evidence your fiancé would not be too happy with." Mike was loving dragging this out, and I had to admit, watching Matt's skin crawl was rather funny.
"Oh shit, come on. Just freaking show me what you've got so I can start coming up with excuses just in case."
"Alright, just a little cream, a little...sugar. Alright. So... Remember how you said no strip clubs and no hiring strippers, right?" Mike was loving dragging this out.
"Uhh... yeah... You better not have done anything, because I really want to look my fiancé in the eye and truthfully say we didn't hire any strippers or go to a club or anything!!"
"And you can!" I chimed in. "We did not go to a strip club or hire any girls to get naked for you."
"We did however have our roommate Alex get topless, straddle you, and shove her tits in your face!" Mike exclaimed, showing Matt a picture on his camera, and really enjoying himself at the moment.
"What!!" Cried Matt, almost a little too loud. He grabbed the phone out of Mike's hand.
"Jesus. I mean God damn."
I was starting to think that this was not such a good idea, but then Matt really surprised me.
"That is some hot shit. Holy crap! How many pictures did you take?"
"A lot, like fifty maybe..." said Mike. "Want me to text them?"
"Umm shit no! EMAIL them to my personal account. My fiancé might see them if you text, but she doesn't know my email password. I mean, Jesus, look at these tits! Too bad you didn't get any pictures of her completely naked."
"Yeah I had to put my phone down for that. I needed both hands. "
"Wait, what? Are you serious? No way. You didn't bang your new roommate, did you?"
"Yes we did!" I happily proclaimed.
"Wait both of you? Are you insane!"
"What? Why?"
"Because! You have to live with her for like another year! You guys are all on the lease. Do you not think it's going to be just a little uncomfortable living with her now? Grant it she seems really cool, but I can guarantee you that's going to change starting when she wakes up."
Mike and I looked at each other.
"Yeah, you know what? Ummm this might be bad actually." I said.
"Yeah, well... What were we supposed to do. She's dancing naked, starts going down on me and practically invites you to spit roast her. Shit, this is going to be bad."
"You guys did her at the same time? I don't even know what to say, but I want nothing to do with this. I'm calling an uber and am going to wait on the porch." Matt said.
Mike and I started talking about our options. We both agreed that acting like nothing happened would be the best bet, and to never mention anything in front of Alex. We were drunk, she was drunk, maybe, just maybe she wouldn't remember. A brief second later, Matt poked his head in the door.
"My ride is here. Thanks for a fun night. And also. Send me those pictures!"
"What pictures?" Said a voice from behind Mike and I.
"Oh crap" was my first thought.
"Oh nothing, Alex. Just pictures from last night."
"The ones with my tits in his face, or the lame ones from the bar?"