"Babe?"
The faint voice wormed its way into Dan's consciousness.
"Babe, wake up."
He stirred, starting to properly wake.
"Wake up, babe, I want to suck your cock."
Dan opened his eyes.
His girlfriend Emma was sat on the edge of the bed, dressed in the same ludicrous - and ludicrously sexy - negligee she'd worn on the first night of the holiday. Lit by the morning sun, it was virtually invisible, her massive boobs totally on display. It was a heavenly sight. Then the light triggered his hangover and he winced.
"I thought that would wake you up," she said with a laugh. "Here, have these." She held out a cup of tea and two paracetamol.
Dan groaned but this time in half-pleasure. "You are an angel."
"Yeah, I know." Emma grinned and fluffed her hair like a domestic goddess as the sun flared in a halo around her head.
Dan washed the pills down with the tea and felt strong enough to open his eyes properly again. He blinked and rubbed his face. As he did so, memories came flooding back.
Christ.
"If you were trying to take my mind off last night, it worked. Temporarily."
Emma's smile dropped. She wriggled under the covers and snuggled up to him.
"Ali is really embarrassed and ashamed. She was quite tipsy last night and just sort of blurted it out. She didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
They had all been quite tipsy last night; otherwise Dan wouldn't have ended up walking around the house naked. Naked and having the size of his penis mocked by Emma's insanely hot best friend.
"Yeah, well." Dan shrugged in a way that was meant to be nonchalant but instead conveyed exactly how much his feelings had been hurt.
"Plus I told her it wasn't true."
Dan blinked at her. "What do you mean?"
"Like, maybe you are a grower rather than a shower but you're not small. You're big." She blushed. "It's the biggest dick I've ever had anyway."
"Oh? And how many dicks have you had?" On one level, Dan was pleased his girlfriend was defending his manhood. But, on another, he wasn't sure he wanted his dick to be the subject of continued conversation between Emma and Ali. Also - if he was being completely honest - he wasn't sure whether Emma's defence was grounded in empirical evidence.
"You know exactly how many dicks I've had: three. So consider yourself in exclusive company but top of the heap."
"That's not exactly the biggest sample size."
"Would you like me to increase my sample size?" asked Emma with a raised eyebrow.
"Fuck's sake." Dan was starting to get pissed off now. "No, obviously not."
"Why are you trying to argue me down? Do you want me to tell Ali she was right and you've got a little dick?"
"It's not little, it's not big, it's just average. Normal. And I don't like how it is somehow the main topic of conversation in this house."
Emma snorted. "Get over yourself. The main topic of conversation in this house is how smoking hot me and Ali are." Dan wasn't sure he wanted that to be the main topic of conversation either. He started to speak but Emma just rolled straight over him. "Look, do you want a blowjob or what?"
Once again, Dan was starting to feel like he'd slipped into a parallel universe. "I mean, yeah, but I thought you were joking. What's gotten into you?"
"Does a girl need a reason to suck her boyfriend off?"
"Usually, yes!"
Emma laughed and squeezed his shoulders and then Dan was laughing too. They kissed and the balance of the universe was restored.
"Fine, I know it isn't my fave. But if I need an excuse, how about the fact that we are on holiday and it has got me all horny? And you seem like you are up for it," she said, giving his hard dick a squeeze.
"That's just morning wood. Nothing to do with... okay, okay!" he relented as she squeezed harder.
"Why are you trying to talk yourself out of a blowjob, you dickhead?" Emma asked incredulously.
"Oh, I'm definitely not. Just things have been a bit weird. But I'm not saying no," Dan repeated, pulling back the covers. "You have my complete consent."
Dan looked at his semi-hard penis. Emma looked at it too. She made no attempt to follow through on her offer. Then she actually turned away.
"Look what I got," said Emma in a sing-song voice, turning back. She waggled a ruler in front of him.
"Jesus! Are you serious? And where did you even find that?"
"There's a drawer full of crap in the kitchen. If you need a corkscrew, calculator or stethoscope then they've got that covered too."
"Congratulations; you've made things even weirder."
But Emma had her trump card to play at that point. She leaned over and engulfed fully half his dick in one fell swoop. Dan hissed as she started to bob up and down with wet slurping noises. His eyes closed and his toes curled. Then suddenly it was over.
"Bloody hell, that was the most uncomfortable position ever!" said Emma as he opened his eyes. "I'll need a chiropractor if I keep that up. But it looks like mission accomplished."
No
, thought Dan,
mission was very much not accomplished.
His penis wagged wet and forlorn and aching for re-entry.
"Looks like you are at full stretch so time for Mr Ruler."
Dan had absolutely no interest in Emma measuring his dick but nor did he want to tell her to stop. Instead he meekly lay there as she held his dick against the ruler, wishing he was back inside her mouth and hoping that this submission was his route to achieving this.