Coeds
Kathryn M. Burke
Della Shortridge had a problem.
She was in many ways in the prime of life: thirty-eight, with a good job as an associate professor of English at a prestigious liberal arts college (which we shall leave nameless) in Ohio, and the wife of an accomplished and handsome husband, Joseph McHenry, who was forty-one and also taught in the English Department. They had met eight years ago, when Della had been hired, and a year later they were married.
Della had to admit that the seven years of their marriage had been fabulous. She and Joseph seemed to be on the same wavelengthâintellectually, politically, emotionally, and in many other ways. Their love was deep and mutual, and they almost never had any arguments. Her marriage was the envy of almost everyone she knew.
But what those people didn't know was that there was a problem that was growing bigger by the day. And that problem wasâsex.
She had never had a strong sex drive, from her teenage years up to the present moment. Intellectually she recognized the importance of physical intimacy to a person's overall well-beingâand to the health of a marriage. And it wasn't that she had any distaste for sex; it was just that she didn't think of it as the highest priority in life. So many other things were more interesting.
On top of that, she was feminist enough to resent the countless ways in which men of all stripesâfrom some of her undergraduate students to men in their fifties, sixties, or even seventiesâregarded her, and all women, as sexual objects first and foremost. She'd lost count of how many times men had gazed at her chest before looking her in the face. Why, sometimes she thought even her own fatherâall of sixty-six years oldâlooked at her carnally out of the corner of his eye. The old goat!
Sometimes she actually wished she weren't so attractiveâwished that her breasts weren't quite so round and firm and high, that her bottom wasn't so curvy, that her thighs and calves weren't so shapely, even that her face (framed as it was by a cascade of well-coiffed brunette hair) wasn't so appealing. Why was it so hard for men to consider a woman's mind and personality instead of just her appearance?
All this wouldn't have been a problem if her husband hadn't been getting more and more ardent with the passing of years. In some senses she felt mortified by her attitude:
Shouldn't I be grateful that he still finds me interesting in that way after seven years of marriage?
She knew more than one married woman who lamented that her own husband had become less than taken with her in bedâand she recalled one instance where a friend of hers had been shocked to find her husband jerking off to a porn magazine in the den when he thought she wasn't at home. At least Della hadn't been subjected to anything quite
that
embarrassing!
But Joseph had, in recent months, been wanting more and more from her. A single act of copulation was no longer enough; he wanted two, or even three. The idea! And he wanted to do certain things that she simply refused to countenance: things like rear entry (ugh!) or swallowing come (yuk!). She remembered how furious she'd been one night when Joseph, having already banged her twice, did her a third timeâbut, just as he was about to come, he'd scooted up her recumbent body and, squatting over her chest, had spattered her face with his emission. She sure gave him a piece of her mind! But all Joseph did was to chuckle in self-satisfaction.
It was almost as if he thought of himself as starring in a porn film.
But she could have endured all this attention if it didn't leave her so exhausted. The day after these nightly sessions, she'd crawl into her office with all the strength of a wet dishrag. It got to the point where the department secretary (a middle-aged woman whose husband had left her years ago) would look her up and down and remark acidly, "Rough night?" In fact, the secretary was deeply envious of Della and the devotion she was receiving from her husband; but even so, the whole issue was no joke.
On those days, she had trouble summoning up the energy and clearheadedness to teach her classes effectively or to meet with eager or worried students during office hours. And on top of that, her department expected her to generate scholarly articles or even a book every so often, and she was finding that increasingly difficult with all the tussles she was having to engage in with her husband.
So she felt something needed to be done.
One afternoon, both Della and Joseph were able to leave the office earlyâby around 3 p.m.âand they went home to have a civilized pot of afternoon tea before getting ready for dinner (which, in his passive-aggressive way, Joseph always left Della to prepare). As they were sipping their tea and munching cookies, she reached her hand out and covered his with it, saying tenderly:
"Joseph, dear, we need to talk about something."
Even though her words weren't at all ominous-sounding, a little shudder ran through him. Isn't it always bad when a spouse or lover says "We need to talk"? Surely she wasn't going toâ?
He managed to stammer, "Wh-what about?"
With a wry smile that she hoped was reassuring, she said, "It's about your antics in the bedroom."
He frowned. "What do you mean?"
"Oh, Joseph," she said with a bit of frustration in her voice, "you must know! I've never been all that keen on sex, and youâwell, you're making more and more demands on me in that department. I mean, it's really sweet of you that you still think of me in that way, but it's getting to be a problem."
"A problem?"
"Yes. After one of our sessions I wake up feeling like a zombie, and I'm pretty useless for the whole day. I can barely get through my course load, and as for doing scholarly workâwell, just forget it! I've been trying to write this book on James Branch Cabell, and have hardly been able to put two words down. Something has to change."
Now Joseph really was getting worried. He lovedâeven adored and worshippedâhis wife and would never do anything to hurt her. So the idea that he found her body
too attractive
was baffling to him.
"Youâyou don't like what we do in bed?" he said, crestfallen.
"Oh, Joseph, dear, I love the attention you give me! It's hugely flattering and uplifting. But . . . it's just a little too much."
He was so appalled at the prospect of not having her luscious figure at his beck and call that he couldn't speak.
I mean, isn't that what a wife is for?
"Before you get all upset," Della said quickly, "I think I have a solution for you." Looking at him right in the eye, she said, "Surely there must be some nice coeds you could cuddle up with. Lots of undergraduate girlsâor maybe even graduate studentsâget huge crushes on their professors. So maybe you could find one or two sweet young things to take some of the pressure off me."
There was a dead silence as husband and wife stared at each other.
"You're kidding me, right?" he said, failing to see the humor in her suggestion.