"Hi, David!" I said, as I flung myself down on my seat, dumping my handbag beside me.
My best friend David folded the newspaper he had been reading and put it aside. He got up, leaned over the table, and we hugged our hello's as we always do.
"Hi Becky!" he said. "You look tired."
"I've been running in and out of shops all day," I said. "It's just IMPOSSIBLE to find a decent spring coat!"
I caught my breath and grabbed my wallet.
"I'll just go and get some coffee, and then you can tell me what you wanted to talk to me about," I said.
I bought a cup of coffee and a Danish, and tried not to spill the coffee on my way back to our table. I failed, of course. Has anyone ever been able to carry a cup of coffee β or any liquid for that matter β on a tray, without spilling half of it? I sat down, sipped my coffee, and took a big bite out of my Danish.
"OK," I said, with my mouth full. "What did you want to talk to me about?"
"I have a... problem," said David. "I need your help. You're the only one I can trust."
"What's wrong?" I said.
David leaned forward and lowered his voice so that no-one would hear him but me.
"I'm a virgin," he said.
I raised my eyebrows. I had NOT expected this.
"But... but you're 24!" I said. "And you've had lots of girlfriends!"
"Yes, but I have never... you know," he said.
"Are you waiting for `the right oneΒ΄?" I said.
His cheeks looked a little red.
"No," he said. "Well, sort of... You see, I... I've got this problem. None of the girls I've dated have wanted to have sex with me."
"Why not?" I said. "You're nice, sweet, charming, good-looking..."
"They've been scared," said David.
"Scared of YOU???" I said.
This was unbelievable. David was by far the least intimidating guy I knew. There wasn't one mean bone in his entire body.
"They've been interested and willing and so on," said David. Until they've seen me naked. Then they've been scared off.
"Why?" I said. "Are you like insanely hairy?"
David glanced around to make sure that no-one was eaves-dropping on us.
"I've got a very big dick," he said.
I stared at him and took another bite of my Danish.
"Most women I know would be thrilled to have a well-hung boyfriend," I said. "There must be something erong with your girlfriends."
He smiled briefly, but looked rather miserable.
"It's... VERY big, Becky," he said. "They've been afraid that they can't... take it."
"Now you're just boasting!" I protested.
"It's not a blessing," he sighed. "More like a curse! I mean, what good is it to have a big dick, if no woman wants to have it?"
I didn't know what to say. I drank my coffee.
"So what can I do?" I finally said.
"I was hoping you might know someone who's not afraid of... great sizes," said David. "I, eh... I'm tired of being a virgin! I want to get laid!"
"And you want me to set you up with someone with a stretchy pussy?" I smiled.
David's face turned an even deeper shade of red. He nodded.