Who doesn't love a good pool party!? That's what most people would think, I'd imagine. In my shoes, however, is less the thought of how much fun to be had, and more of how many different opportunities I have to screw everything up. Still though, liquid courage will be on my side today, hopefully to make sure everything goes well, I thought as Ella, her friend, and I drove out of the liquor store, and towards her place.
I stared out the passenger's window to the horizon, The purr of the engine's motor blending into the quiet hum of the countryside. There were endless stretches of farmland fields. Golden waves of wheat swayed gently in the breeze, their tops kissing the clear blue sky. Driving out through the boonies is what it took to make your way to Ella's place, a contrast from the suburb a hair's breadth away from the city where I lived.
Ella began speaking with a playful girly inflection: "Ooh, we have so many snacks; chips, popcorn, pretzels, everything you could want. I'm so excited, aren't you excited? Tell me you're excited Rayan!"
"I might be, if it wasn't for those ketchup chips, everyone knows they suck," I replied.
"First of all, we might have to revoke your Canadian citizenship for such words! Second, what chips would you even have got instead, huh mister?" Ella asked incredulously.
"Obviously Jalapeno Chips" I replied.
"Eww, that's way too spicy," Ella said with disgust.
"I bet a bit of black pepper is too hot for white girls like you," I said.
"Shut up, and maybe all that spice prevents you from enjoying actual normal flavors for a change!" She retorted. Ella's friend in the backseat finally spoke up.
"Can you all please stop acting like a married couple already!?" We all burst into laughter, defusing the playful tension. I'm hoping to at least get a kiss before becoming a married couple, I thought to myself. That was the goal today, by any means necessary initiate, and go for the kiss. With cheap tequila on my side, nothing can stop me.
Eventually, if I don't do something she will lose interest and move on with her life. Not that I'd blame her, I still don't understand what she even sees in me, because I sure as hell don't see it in myself. Still though, as long as we have an opportunity, we will do anything in our power to grasp it.
"Maybe you're right about some things Ella, but also maybe a bit more spice in your life would be fun," I told her playfully. She rolled her eyes in response.
"Are you talking about me, or yourself?" She challenged back. Was she continuing the jest, or is she starting to see through me? Not like she's entirely wrong, what spice do I really have to add to her life? I don't have experience with women, I spend most of my time indoors, live with my parents, and don't even have my own car. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to just give up while I'm ahead.
Still, I've made it this far, and I told myself when I woke up; today I will not be passive and one way or another I will take action into my own hands and carve my own path forward. Hopefully with a kiss, if I'm lucky, even further.
"Doesn't matter, I'm sure you talk plenty about myself as is when I'm not around." I replied.
"Nuh-uh, I wouldn't do that. Ella said.
"Sure, just like during work I can't tell when you glance my way every chance you get." I replied. Her cheeks went beet red.
"I-I don't know what you're talking about." Ella muttered.
"There we go, that's the Ella everyone calls 'the cute one'," I mentioned with a smirk.
"I am not cute!" She exclaimed. Ella parked the car inside the driveway as we just arrived at her place. She lived with her parents but had the whole basement to herself. The house was a grey, L-shaped bungalow that showed its age. Its beauty lay not in its front, but on its backside. The backyard was massive, green grass fields surrounded with trees in its perimeter, smack dab in the middle displaying its crown jewel, a swirling blue swimming pool with a diving board on the deep end.
As we exited the car and made our way to the backyard, we were greeted with old timey boomer music, the type my parents would listen to if they were white. There was a patio deck with chairs, and a dining table strewn out beside the pool, and most of the chairs were packed, brimmed full of other middle-aged folk I presumed to be her parents and their friends.
This wasn't part of the plan, I thought we were going to be alone, not the accompaniment to a middle-aged party soon to have all the pictures posted on Facebook. Ella spoke up: "Looks like my parents decided to throw something today as well. The more the merrier, let's just have fun," she said excitedly. Ella went off ahead on her own, behind an outdoor bar counter, and hugged someone, her friend went off another direction near the pool and started chatting up this middle-aged looking guy.
Let's just have fun, she said. Sure, I'll have a blast with me, myself, and I. All of us standing here alone, awkwardly staring out at others laughing and having fun, unsure of how to insert myself. Every other person in here was as white as they came, not a drop of melanin to be found here, no sir.
I immediately felt ashamed as I thought that. I know it's not their fault or that they've done anything wrong. To be honest, when I'm surrounded by a group of people none darker than myself, I feel judged, almost as if someone can look at me, and immediately tell me I'm different, not like the others. It makes me feel the need to speak, to say anything so that they can hear my voice. Hey, my fellow citizen, as you can see, I do not have an accent and nor do I sound like a foreigner, I'm actually just like you! Except I know I will never be like them. They may smile, be warm and friendly, yet deep down we both know there is something different, the unspoken words between us.
I make my way to the outdoor glass table and grab a seat, surrounded by several others. Though we share a table, and I may direct my gaze towards them, it does not come back in return. They are in a trance, absorbed in their pleasant little conversations, and I am the odd one out. I grab a plastic plate and toss some pretzels on it. Just in front of me there is a man and woman speaking to each other. I pretend to eagerly listen to them, while munching on some delicious pretzels.
".... What a week the stock market is having, right Jessica?" The man said. Now is my chance to jump in, I know a lot about stocks, I've been investing for a while now and it's not going too bad. We could talk about different stocks, I could ask him what he invests in, how the market might play out in the next couple of months.
