For the third time in seven years I had panicked. On Thursday Martin had proposed and I lost my courage. The two times before, it had gotten as far as making wedding arrangements before I chickened out, but those were doomed to failure because I really couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with either of them.
Basically I can get along with men, but when it comes to actually making that sort of commitment I just can't do it. First of all I have never met a man who really could satisfy me sexually and who I really felt comfortable with. I mean although I love sex and all that, the guys I've been interested in, were just a bit too much into themselves when it came to making love.
Rick was always premature. He would loose it as soon as he was even close to putting his cock in, and would make a mess before he could get even close. Then he would apologize and promise that next time it would be better. It never was.
Jerry was better, but he was a mauler, and always wanted to be the big stud who took charge. I like a little rough sex, but as soon as he got me hot enough to even think about going further, I lost interest. With him everything was me, me, me. And I must admit, I have never had an orgasm by being fucked. I always have to finish myself later if I still had the urge after they finished.
So with Martin, I knew it wouldn't work, because I really didn't get that "turned-on" feeling with him. I left him in the restaurant after telling him I couldn't even think about marrying him, and went home and discussed things with my room mate, Barbara.
Now Barbie and I have made love, and it was good. But I don't think I want to spend my life with just women either, and she understood when I told her that I needed someone who wasn't just for themselves, but someone who was tender and caring, sort of like a woman is.
So, as it usually turned out, she put her arm around me and after she soothed me with some hugs and kisses, we made love. As far as oral is concerned, she is fantastic, but I always return the favor using a vibrator while sucking on her nipples.
Now I'm not cold, and I'm not a nympho, but I do masturbate, and sometimes do it a lot. I know exactly what I want, and what feels good, so it always works. And I know I'm not that much into women, because I get off quicker and better by looking at pictures of those hunks in those magazines, as I jill off. So that brings me to now.
Barbara's cousin has this place in upstate New York on a lake. it's a cabin in a remote corner of the lake and it was supposed to be vacant for the month, and she thought it would be a good place for me to get away and pull my thoughts together.
When I arrived at the cabin, I was sort of disappointed because apparently someone else had been offered the place. I had driven almost all night and figured I'd stay the night and return home in the morning, but that changed. When I knocked on the door I was surprised when this good looking young guy opened it.
We sort of looked at each other, not knowing what to say. And when he looked at me quizzically, I stammered out who I was, and asked if he would mind if I spent the night. He looked like a little kid as he opened the door wider and took my bag. Then he explained who he was, and I felt like a fool.
He was a sophomore in college and his aunt had offered him the cabin during summer break. I could tell he was nervous about me being there, but hell, I was just as nervous being around him.
Staying over wouldn't be a big thing because there were two bedrooms but I didn't know how to handle a conversation with a guy who was probably five or six years younger than me.
That never became an issue, because he was easy to talk with, and actually as the evening wore on, we became good friends.
So good in fact that I got into a discussion about commitments and feeling comfortable about people and ended up telling him about my panic attacks. Oh I didn't get into the thing about sex, but I think he understood.
Naturally, I questioned him about his girl friends and his relationships. He actually blushed and stammered out that he didn't have a girlfriend and never really had one that he felt comfortable with.
That prompted my next question, why not? Yes, I was feeling sort of motherly towards him at that point, and really expected some evasive answer, but he surprised me.
"I sort of tense up around girls. I don't know what to say, and I don't know too much about the things a girl wants, and you know, all that other stuff."
Suddenly I was looking at myself. He was afraid of commitments and so was I, then it struck me.
"Haven't you ever made love to a girl? I mean, your not still a virgin are you?"
Again that blush, and he looked down before answering. "Sort of, I guess. I mean I wanted to, you know, go all the way, but then they seem so experienced and I didn't want to look like a dunce, so I sort of make up an excuse and, well yeah, I never did it really."
That's when I got that tingling sensation that makes my pussy wet and my heart beat fast. I stared at him. A young man, who was a real hunk and never been to bed with a girl.
"So I guess you sort of have to take care of yourself when........ You know, sort of have to calm down and release your tensions."
First he stared at me in disbelief, then turned away. The kid was blushing beyond belief, and I felt stupid for blurting something so stupid out.
That's when I changed my mind. "Would you mind if I stayed for a couple of days here with you Brad? I mean I wouldn't be in your way and it would be nice to have company while I try to sort out some problems that I have with my own life." He nodded and poured another beer for us.
That night I locked the door and tried to be quiet as I used my fingers to play with my clit. The vibrator would have made too much noise, and besides, it was sort of cozy just to lay under the covers and think about him, while I let my index finger wobble back and forth across my clit.
Almost before I knew it, I exploded and heaved up. I hadn't expected it so fast, but it was intense and took my breath away. Normally once is enough, but there are those times when I can cum five or six times if I'm really sexy and this was one of those times.
All I could think about was his face and that muscular chest and I was in another world. I guess this was a five nighter. I came quickly the first two or three times, but the fourth and fifth were screamers. I had to bite on the side of my thumb to keep from crying aloud.
Naturally my thoughts turned to Brad. Suppositions, suppose we made love, suppose I could teach him to be comfortable with me, would he be good in bed? Was he big. Would he make a good lover?
Then I began dreaming up ways to seduce him in my mind and I started imagining how he would act if I treated him as a sort of, student and I were a Teacher. I had begun role playing in my mind. And I decided that, yes, I would try it and see how he would react.
For the first time, I was thinking of being the one in control and planning how I would teach him to make love to me. Not with me just laying back and having some bumbling oaf try to use me to please himself. But to have a real lover who wanted to please me as well as my pleasing him. The next morning I made breakfast and planned how to begin.
I knew I would have to keep it casual, don't frighten him, but sort of lull him into accepting intimate conversations and contact. The first opportunity came down at the dock around ten in the morning. I walked down looking for him and found him swimming in the lake.
When he saw me he ducked down so only his head was out of the water. I looked on the dock and realized why. His clothes were in a neat pile there. He was skinny dipping and completely nude.
