I am reflecting on the months that led up to my thirtieth birthday. That was the year I was widowed after a ten year marriage. Needless to say I started some serious self exploration. It was a fine marriage, although his death didn't induce the deep grieving people describe. I spent most of my grieving weeks rethinking the decade of memories.
We started dating in high school and married young. At the time of his death I still barely understood love. We definitely loved each other at some level. Yet the reason for getting married wasn't love. Maybe convenience? More likely part guilt. We started having sex as teens which we both understood was wrong. Instead of admitting what we were doing we resolved our guilt through marriage. Once married the teen age sex no longer mattered.
The decade flew by having two kids and trying to present publicly as a good family. I had three consistent friends since high school that also didn't know my true self. How could they when I didn't know myself. Immediately after his death I started being unusually honest with my friends. They were totally surprised when I I admitted to them how my marriage was lacking.
For example, these three women were always sharing serious sex stories about their husbands. Initially I couldn't believe these stories were true as their lives seemed so different than mine. Amy and Lisa, and their husbands, would travel together as couples. Their best stories came from cruises. Together they would spend time on the topless deck. I hid my shock. The idea of their husbands seeing me naked was mortifying. In actuality, my own husband never saw me naked in the light. Kim, the third friend, shared some of her most intimate acts with her husband, most of which I couldn't even contemplate until porn finally arrived on our internet.
And the oral sex; all of them gave blow jobs constantly. I was told as a girl that oral sex was bad, always in the form of a blowjob, and unenjoyable. But all three of my friends seemed to relish giving head. And then there was the stories of their husbands licking their pussies. Amy and Lisa's husbands seemed to be eating them out on every trip away from home. How could they enjoy that? I couldn't imagine anyone even looking at my pussy let alone getting their mouth close to it.
Over one dinner with the four of us I admitted how bad my sex life was. Yes we had sex early, but it was anything but fun. From the very beginning he nearly refused to even touch me with his hands. Once he was hard he just wanted to fuck. The sex wasn't even that good, maybe 5 minutes, and when he was done it was over. Once married the frequency was almost comical. He seemed to need it about once a month, which was always the same five minute release. I was never comfortable making suggestions, not that I had any desires to make.
My husband and I were friends, and he was never abusive. My marriage just seemed like two high school friends raising kids. My friends were astonished. Kim politely accused me having lied all these years. She sincerely wished she could have helped but wasn't sure why I had deceived them. How could I not? Their marriages seemed so fantastical and mine was the odd one out.
I had lied. Mostly by omission. When they told me exciting sex stories I didn't know how to respond. At first I didn't believe them. Then when it was obvious that their relationships were normal and mine was abnormal, I couldn't admit how different I was. Mostly I just responded with "yup, I know what you mean." The worst lies were when I repeated back their stories as my own with small variations. Always just enough to redirect the conversation away from me. I gave limited details so that it wasn't obviously false. Ignorance was hard to hide but they didn't seem to dig deep enough to catch me.
Mostly these three were apologetic for not knowing my truth. They wished they had helped but mostly I felt their sympathy. They made it clear that they were very glad for the sex they are still having all of these years.
Still, our friendships were close enough for them to finally stop talking and to listen. They were glad I found porn, and there was no shame since they all also watches porn. I learned they watched alone for themselves, as do I, but also with their husbands for more sex fun. They heard me explain how the only fingers that have ever been in my pussy were my own. My only orgasms were my own and that only started two years before my husband's death. My husband never saw me naked as we only had sex in the dark and in bed, except for the few times in a car before we were married. I never even gave him a blowjob as he thought that was weird. So we shared five minute missionary sex once a month for a decade. The rest of my sex life was listening to their storie and dreaming while watching porn.
We kept getting together to talk twice a week. Everyone supported my reprogramming of sex and marriage. Their husbands would watch my kids in solidarity of our now new level of honest friendship. To expand our talks beyond my shocking marriage stories, I asked them to share more of their sex stories. And boy did they ever. I didn't think their stories could get any wilder but until I asked for everything they had, they must have been holding back.
Amy and Lisa, during their many travels together, said they let loose whenever they leave town. They each admitted to drunk naked dancing in bars in Las Vegas. One got up on the stage as an impromptu stripper show. One trip to Rome they admitted to having sex in the same room with each other. There was no swapping or anything like that, just each couple having sex in the same room at same time as the other couple. Wow, seeing your friend's husband naked seemed phenomenal when I never even showered with my husband.
