Old Flames

One of her greatest regrets was that she'd never kissed him.

Everyone has regrets about chances lost and paths unraveled, and this was hers. She dreamed of him occasionally, and always woke up with a profound sense of loss, missing the might-have-been that those dreams represented. After such dreams, she always had an almost irresistible urge to call him. But she never did. In fact, she hadn't seen him for years.

Which was why she was surprised to see him at the party.

She wasn't sure it was him at first; she caught glimpses of his face often, only to turn back and see that it wasn't his face after all, but the face of a stranger. This time, however, it was definitely him. She heard someone call his name over the pounding drive of the music. She hung back in the crowd, shy, unsure of whether or not to approach him. She was certain he would remember her, but less than certain that he would want to see her. She had almost caused him to lose his job, after all. She sipped her beer, me datively, considering.

"Great party, huh?" came a voice at her ear. She turned to the grinning face of her best friend.

"Why is he here?" she asked, gesturing with her beer bottle.

"Who?" her friend asked, scanning the crowd. "Oh. You mean him. I invited him. I mean, I didn't really want to, but I figured I might as well, since we are old friends and he just came back to town for grad school. To tell the truth, I'm surprised he's here. Parties aren't usually his thing."

"Well, parties like this aren't usually your thing, either," she reminded her friend with a wry smile.

Her friend made a face. "Yeah, well, my roommate invited most of these people. And picked this shitty music. Excuse me while I do something to remedy that."

She laughed as her friend stormed off to the CD player. Her eyes strayed unconsciously to his figure, standing on the other side of the room, back to the wall. He held a beer, but it didn't look as if he'd taken more than a couple tiny sips. He looked miserable. She downed her beer in one gulp, still considering whether or not to approach him.

A few minutes later, she had finished off another beer to steel herself, and started across the room. He didn't notice her until she was practically standing right next to him. He looked up at her, blinking as if he had just woken from a deep sleep. "You?"

"Yeah. Me." There was an awkward pause, punctuated by a sudden silence as her friend switched the music around. She opened her mouth to speak just as the driving beat of a Stones album drowned out her words.

"What?" he said, leaning closer to her to hear.

She swallowed hard at his sudden proximity, but repeated, "It's been awhile."

He nodded. His eyes were fixed on his beer bottle.

"So..." she continued awkwardly, grasping at straws. "How have you been? I heard you came back for grad school."

"Yeah."

"What are you studying?"

"Computers."

She was put off by his monosyllabic answers, and saddened by his apparent lack of interest. She sighed. "I'm sorry I bothered you, I guess I'll just..."

She stopped short as he put his hand on her shoulder and made eye contact for the first time. The contact and the intensity of his blue-eyed gaze made her shiver a little. "Wait. I'm sorry. I... Well, I'm not so good with parties."

"Why did you come?" she asked.

He looked away. "To tell you the truth, I'm not sure. I thought it was to see her, but now I'm not sure."

"Her...?" she asked, then followed his gaze to her best friend, now arguing good-naturedly with her roommate about the relative superiority of the Rolling Stones over Jennifer Lopez. "Oh."

"When she invited me, I thought..." He shook his head. "I don't know what I thought."

"That...maybe she liked you?" she asked. The words were hard to say.

"I guess. She doesn't, does she?"

She hesitated. She hated to hurt him, but she was secretly glad of the truth. "No. I'm sorry. She's...she's seeing someone else."

"Oh." His hand tightened a little on the bottle. "Well...I'm glad."

She couldn't help it. She snorted. "No, you aren't."

He looked back up at her, a spark of anger in his eyes. "I want her to be happy! What do you know about it?"

"Quite a lot, actually," she said quietly.

They were silent for a bit, watching the party continue around them. Finally, she said, "If you're not going to finish your beer, can I have it?"

"What?" He looked down at his hand. "Oh. This, yeah." He handed it to her. "Go ahead. I hate beer."

She took it and lifted it to her lips to take a long draught. "So do I."

He laughed softly. "Then why the hell are you drinking it?"

"Because I want to get drunk," she said shortly.

"That's stupid."

"It was the only way I could get up the courage to talk to you, asshole," she snapped.

He looked at her, startled. "I....oh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean..."

She sighed. "It doesn't matter. It was stupid of me. I'll just go home."

"No!" he said, with surprising violence.

She looked at him oddly. "Why?"

"Because...it must have been important. What you wanted to tell me."

She smiled sadly. "It was. But it isn't now."

"What do you mean?"

She looked across the room at her dancing friend. "Because...because you still..." Her hand tightened around the neck of the empty bottle. She set it on the seat of the chair next to her and turned to face him directly. "I needed to keep a promise to myself."

"What? What kind of...?"

"Just shut up so I can get this over with," she said fiercely, and leaned forward before she could change her mind. She threw her arms behind his head and bent it down a little so she could reach, and kissed him on the lips as hard as she could. She felt his muscles tense as she forced her lips against his. He seemed unsure whether he wanted to embrace her with his arms or use them to push her away, and ended up with them awkwardly on her shoulders, digging his fingers into her upper arms as if he were holding on for dear life. She pulled away after a moment and looked away, reddening.

"The hell...?" he gasped.

"I promised myself," she said quietly. "I promised that after I graduated high school, I would do that. I would find you and I would say, 'I've graduated. Now I am a woman, and I can do this.' And I would kiss you. And then I would go away to college and I would find someone else and forget about you. But I ended up not doing any of those things. And I've regretted it."

He stared at her with dawning comprehension on his face. "You mean...you still...?"

She rolled her eyes. "No wonder you've never had any luck with women." She saw the expression of hurt on his face and relented. "Do you really think that love ever stops?" she asked gently. "Even though everyone told me it was wrong, I couldn't stop. Even though I got you in trouble, I couldn't stop. I'm sorry. Now you don't ever have to deal with me again, don't worry."

She started to turn to leave when he said very quietly, "But what if I want to?"

She turned back to him, eyes wide. "What?"

"I...I didn't...I don't want that. For you to just leave like that."

"Then what do you want?"

He held out his hand, almost shyly. "I want to walk you home. You don't want to be here any more than I do."

She took it gingerly. "Okay." She looked at him, then looked away again quickly, blushing. She had noticed that his face was red, too.

The night air was cold after the heat and noise of the party. They walked the first block in silence, without looking at each other. When they turned onto the next street, he finally spoke. "I didn't mean for everything to get out of hand the way it did," he said quietly. "It was just...well, I couldn't afford to lose my job just then, and your mother was so..."

"Mom completely overreacted. She thought we were...having sex or something, I don't know."

"I didn't want to stop seeing you. That's what I wanted you to know. It was...it was really fun. When we used to hang out in the computer lab."

"Oh," she said, blushing. She gleaned up at him. He was looking at her earnestly. "And I...I'm sorry how things went. I don't know how my mom...she must have read my journal or something. And then she overreacted. It was just a schoolgirl's crush."

"A schoolgirl's crush that made you still want to kiss me after four years?" he asked softly.

She turned bright red and looked at her feet. "I..."

"It's okay. I don't mind that you still feel that way. It's kind of nice, I guess. I don't feel so...worthless."

"You're not worthless!" she protested.

"You're right, though," he went on, "I don't have any luck with women. I'm so uncomfortable around them, and I always stutter..."

She giggled. "You did it in class, too, whenever a girl would ask a question."

He turned red again. "I did? Shit..."

She smiled teasingly. "I thought it was cute."

Another few moments passed in silence, until she pointed and said, "That's my place."

He looked up at the small house. Its windows were dark. "Isn't there anyone home?"

She shook her head. "No, my roommates went home for the weekend." She fished around in her pocket for her key, and then looked up at him awkwardly. "So...um, want to come in?"

"I guess," he answered. "Yeah."

"I've got my Playstation here," she said over her shoulder as she unlocked the door.

"Actually, I think I'd rather just...I don't know, talk or something."

She held the door open to let him pass, and blushed a little as he brushed against her. "Oh, okay."

She closed the door behind her as she flicked on the light. "Want anything to drink? We have milk and diet Pepsi and some wine..." She crossed to the fridge and opened it to peer in. "Okay, scratch the milk, it's three days past the expiration date."

"Let's have some wine."

She reached up to open one of the top cupboards for a pair of wine glasses, standing on her tiptoes to reach. "Here, let me," he said, reaching up behind her for the glasses. He pressed against her back for a long moment before he brought to down.

"Thanks," she said a little breathlessly, and poured the wine. She handed him a glass before taking a large and nervous gulp of hers. He drained almost all of his, and grinned sheepishly as he held out the glass for more. She laughed. "We'll just take the whole bottle. Here, come back to my room, the living room's a mess."

They sat on her bed, sipping their wine in silence. Finally, she said. "So...what did you want to talk about?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. I guess...I wanted to just spend some time with you. Like we used to."

"Oh," she said. She drained her glass of wine, and poured herself a second. Sipping it, she allowed herself to relax against him. He stiffened, then cautiously slipped an arm around her shoulders. She was surprised at how natural it felt.

He finished his second glass of wine, and set it on the floor, then murmured, "I don't know how much of this is the wine talking, but I think I'd like you to kiss me again."

She twisted to look up at him, feeling a furious blush creep to her cheeks. "Really?" she squeaked.

Instead of answering, he bent and clumsily bumped his lips against her. She responded reflexively, twining her arms around his neck and leaning into him. She opened her mouth against his, and felt his exploring tongue caress hers. Her fingers tightened in his hair, and she slipped her tongue into his mouth. He seemed startled at first, then relaxed into it and kissed her back fiercely. When the broke away for breath, he looked at her inquiringly, and asked with a blush spreading across his face and neck, " Um...am I an okay kisser?"

She giggled a little. "Yes, you're fine, silly."

"Oh. Good. I wasn't sure. I mean, I've never..."

She looked at him in amazement. "You've never kissed a girl before? But you're almost thirty!"

"Well, I told you I wasn't any good with girls..."

She grinned at him cheekily. "We'll have to get you some practice, then!" She suddenly pounced on him, making him fall back against her pillows. She bent down to kiss him again, and he reached up to pull her down with him. She was painfully aware of how close they were, and how much of their bodies were touching, and she screwed her eye shut and kissed him passionately. Her breasts were crushed against him, as his hands twisted the fabric of her blouse. She felt a growing hardness against her thigh, and grew hot, thinking of the implications. As they continued to kiss, coming up only occasionally for air, she found herself unable to resist the temptation to unbutton his shirt.

He broke away abruptly, panting. "We can't... I mean, maybe this is going too fast...I..."

She propped herself up on an elbow to look down at him. It took a great effort for him not to stare at her cleavage. "I'm on the pill," she said. "And I'm not a virgin, if that's what you're worried about."

"No! I mean, no, that's not what I'm...you've slept with someone?"

She almost laughed at the shock on his face. "While I was at college, yeah. I had a few one night stands. I could never get serious about anyone, though. I know you've got the whole...abstinence thing going, but really, if everyone's careful, sex can be fun. And besides," she added, snaking a hand down between their bodies to brush between his legs, "it's obvious that at least part of you wants it."

He blushed all the way down to his toes. "I...I'm sorry! I...I just..."

"It's okay, silly. It's natural. It's actually..." and here she turned away and blushed a little, too. "It's kind of flattering. But I'm not going to...to force you or anything, we can just go to sleep if you want..."

He reached up to touch her face. "I don't know what I want. I want...I want you."

She smiled softly and bent to kiss him again. "Okay," she whispered. She unbuttoned another button and slid down to kiss his neck. He let out a soft groan as she nipped him lightly and kissed and sucked her way down his chest, unbuttoning as she went. She rubbed one of his nipples with her thumb as she moved up to kiss his neck again, working up to nibble on his ear. He was breathing much harder now, clutching her tightly. She made herself go slowly, even though she was impatient with excitement.

As she ran her tongue around the outside of his ear, his hands slipped under her blouse, and she felt electrified by the touch of his hands on her naked back. He seemed confused when he couldn't feel a clasp. "Sometimes I don't wear one," she whispered at his ear.

She sat up to take off her shirt, but he reached up to stop her. "Let me," he said huskily. She obliged, and let him undo the buttons with trembling fingers. His eyes were very wide as he pulled aside the fabric to expose her breasts. "They're so...big..." he murmured.

She laughed. "Yeah, I guess they are." She took one of his hands and set it on the top of one breast. "You can touch them," she said quietly.

He ran his hands over them wonderingly. His touch was unbelievably gentle as he ran his fingers over every inch of them. She moaned softly when he brushed against her nipples, and taking that as encouragement, he took them between each thumb and forefinger and rubbed them gently. A shudder went through her, and she leaned into his touch. Emboldened by her response, he propped himself up and brought his lips to her right breast, licking and sucking in the softest possible manner. She made little mewling sounds of pleasure and pressed him against her.

As he continued his exploration of her body, she reached behind her and felt for his erection. She brushed her fingers across its length and he groaned against her breast. She worked busily at the button of his jeans as he continued to distract her with his gentle mouth. Finally, working the zipper down, she reached her goal and closed her fingers around his shaft. He gasped and let go of her, which gave her the freedom to move down between his legs and work his erection free of his pants. He was twitching beneath her and she ran her hands down its length.

It wasn't too long, and it was the perfect, satisfying thickness. It felt good in her hands and she rubbed the shaft gently. He drew in a sharp intake of breath as she leaned down to lick the tip. Encouraged by his reaction, she began to lick and suck on the head of his cock, as he twitched and moaned beneath her. She opened her mouth to take its full length, and he let out a deep and satisfied groan. "It feels...so...good," he gasped.

She smiled around his cock, and began to move up and down on the shaft, rubbing her tongue against it on every stroke. She felt him hardening in her mouth. Tasting the first drops of precum, she sat up, rubbing her hand briskly up and down the engorged shaft. "Does that feel good?" she teased.

"Y-yes!" he stuttered, his eyes almost rolled back into his head with pleasure. She tugged his jeans off and then his boxers, depositing both on the floor. She lay down next to him, and gently turned his face towards hers so that she could kiss him. He returned the kiss, and then got to his knees to bend over her. His hand hovered at the elastic waist of her skirt. "Can I...?" She nodded, and lifted her hips. He pulled away her skirt and her panties in one motion, and sat back on his heals to look at her. She blushed under the intensity of his gaze. "You're very beautiful," he said softly. He reached forward to brush his fingers between her legs, and she moaned, and strained towards him. He moved closer, and gently spread her legs apart, probing carefully at her opening.

"Please..." she gasped. "Touch my clit.."

"Where?" he asked, a little helplessly.

"Right at...the top...oh! There! Oh, god...right there..." She threw her head back and thrashed on the bed, groaning her pleasure. Amazed at the effect, he rubbed the indicated spot with his thumb .With his other hand, he prodded at her opening, feeling the warm wetness within. Suddenly, a huge shudder wracked her body, and he withdrew his hands, startled.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes!" she gasped. "I just...oh...I had an orgasm, that's all..." She reached for him. "Please...I want you to..."

He knelt forward tentatively, holding his throbbing cock and looking a bit lost. "I just...put it in?" She nodded encouragement, breathing too hard to talk. He scooted forward a bit, placing the smooth head against her. The both trembled at the intimate contact. Slowly, tentatively, he pushed forward, meeting little resistance as he slid slowly within her. She strained towards him as he pushed, and he felt an indescribable feeling of bliss as he found himself buried inside her. She moaned softly and moved against him as he sat still, his cock inside her to the hilt.

After what seemed like an eternity, he slipped his arms behind the small of her back and withdrew slightly. She wrapped her legs around him as he pushed back in. He felt himself losing control as she twitched wetly around him, and he began to pick up speed. He leaned down to kiss her, and she wrapped her arms around him, digging her nails into his back, and moaned, "Please! Harder!"

He obliged, spearing into her as fast as his hips would move, feeling an eruption of pleasure start to boil within him. "I...think...I'm...going to...come!" he cried, gasping out a word with each thrust.

"Yes! Come inside me!" she demanded, trying to pull him even closer against her.

He felt the orgasm begin at the base of his cock and explode into her as he thrust as deep as he could inside her. She moaned in satisfaction as his cum filled her, and twined his fingers into his hair as he fell limply against her, panting hard.

She stroked his hair and whispered, "Thank you," as he relaxed into sleep, their bodies tangled together. She knew that the guilt and the regret would return in the morning, but until then, she held him peacefully and slept.