It was the common fantasy of Prom Night. My date and I were in the motel room, both feeling awkward.
He was hoping this would be the night he would become a man. He stood there, no Greek god, but not bad for a kid who had just turned eighteen. I wasn't bad looking, and his wide eyes and obvious erection told me he wasn't unhappy with his last minute date.
Very typical, except that I was twenty-nine and married.
My date was my best friend's son, Harry. The poor guy had been humiliated when he found out that the "cool" girl who had asked him to the Senior Prom had done it on a bet from her in-group friends.
Is there anything more pathetic than the high school cliques that think they are better than the rest of us, only to find out later that nobody cares about their high school status in the real world?
But my date was too young for perspective, and when the girl laughingly told him, at the last minute, she was going with her real boyfriend, he was devastated.
His mom called me to commiserate. She was a good friend. As recent arrivals in this city, following my last promotion, my husband and I had not had a chance to meet many people. But Joan and I just clicked.
After getting thoroughly pissed at her description of the treatment her son had endured, a thought sprang into my head. Somewhere in the misty depths of my memory, a vision of a movie or tv plot struggled the surface. Something about a Playboy Bunny, or a movie star, or maybe a voluptuous prostitute, going to the Prom as the date of a similarly situated victim of the mean girls.
I interrupted whatever she was saying to blurt out, "Joan, I will go as his date!"
"Don't joke about this, Joy. It's not funny."
"I'm not joking. With some make-up, I can pass for, well, maybe not high school, but college age. No one around here really knows me or my relationship with you, so no one will guess how I came to be his date. I will act tastefully sexy, and flirt with Harry in front of the girls that did this, and make their boyfriends jealous of Harry. I can do it, Joan."
"I don't know, Joy. He may feel even worse if he thinks it is a pity date."
"Pitch it as a revenge date. Tell him I'm not offering because I pity him, but because I want to crush the assholes that do this kind of thing. It's personal for me. I didn't go to my Prom because my long term boyfriend got enthralled by a bigger pair of tits and dumped me three days before the Prom."
"You are making that up... you want me to believe another teenage girl had better boobs than you?"
"Believe it, Joan. Of course the rest of her was considerably bigger as well, but the boys used say, the bigger cushion, the better the pushin,' so apparently the big ass that accompanied the big tits didn't bother him.
I, on the other hand, was was a cross country runner and a gym rat in high school, because I knew I wanted to be a Marine like my dad. In service, my BMI was 14 and change, meaning I had very little fat tissue.
My girls have plumped up considerably since I got out and got married."
"Well, I would kill for your breasts. Harry will be the envy of his friends."
"Just be sure to let Harry know that no matter what the urban legend of Prom Night may be, he won't be getting lucky on this date."
A brief discussion of logistical issues, then Joan said she'd talk to Harry.
An hour later, Joy answered the phone to hear, with no greeting, "You serious about this, Mrs. Foster?"
"Yes, Harry."
"And you really think it might work? That I could make those bitches sorry?"
"Yes, Harry."
"Mrs. Foster, would you do me honor of being my date for the Prom."
"Yes, Harry. I will expect a corsage, and you can pick me up here at 7 p.m. day after tomorrow. And start calling me Joy'... you don't want to slip up later."
"Thank you, Joy."
"We'll plan to meet tomorrow to go over our act. Say, 3:45?"
"With bells on, Joy."
"Oh come on, Harry, where did you get that? That's even before my time."
"I watch a lot of old movies, Joy. See you tomorrow."
Over dinner, I casually declaimed to my husband, "You'll have to make your own dinner day after tomorrow. I have accepted a date for that evening, and will probably be out late. I am finally remedying a certain painful hole in my range of experience."
I have to give my husband credit, he has incredible aplomb. After asking me to pass the rolls, he said, without blinking an eye, "So I am to understand that my performance as a spouse is so substandard that you have to remedy this lack elsewhere?"
"No, Sweetie, you can't remedy this lack. You are much too old."
"I can get a prescription for Niagra, or buy whips and chains. What is it I'm too old to do."
"You can't take me to the Prom. I am going with Joan's son, Harry." And I told him the story.