When I was eighteen I met a lady who changed my life. Phyllis was fifty- something and a real sexy grandmother. She had a cute figure and obviously worked out and kept in shape. She wore clothes that showed off her figure and she had a self presence that exuded sensuality.
As a teen I was told I was pretty but I felt awkward and ugly. My breasts were slow in developing and my body seemed to thin and gangly. Boys were nice to me but it never went anywhere. My parents touched a lot and hugged and kissed us kids as well. I wanted some of the touching from someone other than my parents.
Gramma Phyllis (not my real grandmother) lived in the same town and would visit my folks frequently. We spent time at her house as well and everyone loved Gramma Phyllis. It seemed like everyone in town knew and liked her. Gram was so open and honest that it would frequently catch you off guard.
On a day that my last boyfriend broke up with me, I needed to talk to someone and I decided Gram was the best source of advice. She was home and the voice on the phone invited me to hurry over. She must have sensed the desperation in my voice.
Gram opened the door and stood in front of me in a sheer robe that was open. I tried to avert my eyes but Gram hurried me in and made no excuses for her appearance. We went through the house to the patio off the kitchen. Gram doffed her robe and lay down to continue her sun bathing.
"Carol get rid of those awful clothes and get some rays. Then, tell me what in the world could be so wrong."
Gram's nakedness gave me a subtle permission to undress although I did so very slowly and turned so as not to face her. I lay on my stomach on the lawn chair and blurted out my sad story of love gone wrong.
"Were you screwing?"
I shook my head.
"Are you still a virgin?"
I nodded.
"Do you want to be a virgin?"
I shrugged my shoulders. It was a one way interrogation so far.
"Child what do you want?"
I began to cry. I was blubbering that "I didn't know."
"Carol, you have to have a clear idea of what you want or you will always feel out of sorts. This requires some serious thinking and perhaps some redirection. You can get there easier by deciding what it is that you don't want. Then it is easier to see what is left."
Grams asked question after question and I either nodded or shook my head. After a long session it started to become clear.
Gramma Phyllis tried to sum it up. "You are suffering from what all of us go through at different points in our lives. You want to know where you fit into all of this. One thing I can tell you is that until you love yourself you will not make a good mate for anyone. Until you love who you are, you will try to define yourself by the values of others. Some of those might fit but most will not be you. You were embarrassed by my open robe and nudity. You are embarrassed at your own nudity. Girl, that is the body that God gave you and you need to love it and maximize its' strengths and work on it's weaknesses. Attractiveness is not a great set of tits or a perfect ass, it is an attitude. If you exude sex and self confidence you will attract men you might want a relationship with. If you show weakness and lack of confidence you will constantly get loosers."
Grams mentioned two ladies that I knew that were really sexy and I realized that it wasn't their bodies. They did just exude self-confidence an sexuality. I was beginning to see what she meant.
"Do you Jill yourself?" Grams inquired. Seeing that I had no idea what she was talking about she said "Masturbate?"
I blushed and gave an almost unperceivable nod.
"See, you are embarrassed. It is normal and nothing to be ashamed about. You are loving you when you do that. You are giving you pleasure. You don't have to shout it to the world but you should never apologize for it."
"Have you had sex yet?"