Note: All characters are assumed to be of legal age.
"I'm telling you man, all we have to do is take her a couple bottles of tea and she'll do us."
"No, that's nuts. No woman is gonna' bang two guys just for some tea."
"Really, dude, I am not shittin' you. This is straight from two seniors who graduated last year. They were porking this old girl for years. She's like crazy or something and her house is full of cats, but all you have to do is take her something and she'll fuck you or blow you, whatever you want."
"That just doesn't sound like it's real."
"It IS real, I'm telling you. Come with me and we'll find out."
"You ARE 18 years old aren't you? You must be 18 years old before you can have sex.
"Yes I am 18 years old and I have never desired sex because I was less than 18 years old. And I know that you are more than 18 years old because you desire sex."
"That is correct, I am more than 18 years old so I can have sex."
My friend Mike was always coming up with some scheme or other. Usually it was somebody's cousin or the 'friend of a friend' who was selling a car for fifty dollars. Or it was somebody selling gaming systems cheap, or it was somebody showing dirty movies in his basement, but there always seemed to be something going on that Mike wanted to get me involved with. Usually these overblown ideas ended in something between failure and disaster. Over the years I had learned that my friend Mike's schemes were 50% bullshit, 50% exaggeration, with an extra 10% of just plain lies. But he was my buddy. We had grown up together and now we were in the same grade in school. For all of his faults, he was a likeable guy whose energy was contagious and whose laughter usually swept me up into his goofy ideas.
This time he had caught me at one of my most vulnerable points. I was desperately tired of being a virgin and willing to explore almost any avenue to be relieved of that burden. Mike and I were considered 'nerds' and largely outsiders to most of our classmates. That accounted for the 'that's why we like each other, nobody else wants us' connection between Mike and me.
"Where does she live?"
"Over on Renaldo Street."
"That's a really bad neighborhood, is it safe to go over there?"
"Sure it is. Hey we're just a couple of stupid dudes, we got nothing that anybody wants. Besides, we can outrun any of the bad guys from over there."
"Oh man, I don't know..."
"Look, let's go over there and we'll see what happens. Right after school today, how about it?
"Okay, I guess, but if you get us killed or something, I'm not your friend anymore."
Suddenly Mike was all smiles, "Well all right!" He paused, "Hey, you got any money?"
"I knew it, here we go again. Every time you get an idea, it costs me money."
"So, do you have any or not?"
"I got maybe six bucks, that's all I have."
Mike was smiling again, "That's enough bro', we's gonna' get LAID!"
****
I spent the rest of the school day wondering what kind of stupid shit Mike had gotten us into. But, at the same time, if I could leave my virginity behind, it would be well worth it. When the final bell rang, I threw my books into my locker and joined the crowd leaving the building. Once outside, I moved off to the side and waited for Mike. As usual, he was almost the last to come through the door.
"Dude, do you always have to be last?"
He smiled at me, "What's your problem dude, you in a hurry to get some pussy?" He grabbed my arm and shook me.
"Come on man, I just want to get on with this. I'm thinking that you're full of crap and this woman doesn't exist."
"Just stick with me, I'll show you." We started walking until Mike stopped at a small family market where he picked up a couple of two liter bottles of sweetened tea. "This is gonna' cost about five bucks, do you have five bucks?"
I dug into my pocket and found a five, two ones, and some coins. "Yea, I have it." We paid for the tea and carried it out in a plastic bag.
We walked for about twenty-five minutes into a section of town that I was unfamiliar with. The farther we walked, the more I knew that I had no business there. Lots of snarling dogs that ran toward us and were stopped only by flimsy wire fences. Lots of graffiti, some of which appeared to be gang related. Junk cars sitting on blocks in the yards of houses that looked worse than the cars. Abandoned houses with windows broken out and doors kicked in.
"Mike, this looks like someplace we should get shots and have passports to enter. Are you sure this is the place?"
"Yes, this is Renaldo Street, you see the sign?" He pointed to a street sign that hung precariously from a badly bent pole. "She's just down here, not far." We walked until Mike stopped in front of a run-down house with peeling paint and a front porch where one side had collapsed. "This is it, go knock on the door."
"I'm not knocking on the door, this is your deal, you go knock."
Mike puffed up, attempting to hide his fear. "Okay, I'll knock, but I go first."
"Fine, you can go first."
I followed Mike up the steps onto the rickety porch to the front door where he knocked on the door. We stood there waiting when the door opened and a woman appeared. She was a frightening sight, wrapped in a dirty bathrobe and her hair wildly unkempt. She looked to be about fifty, stood about five-feet six, and she must have weighed at least two hundred pounds.
"What do you want?"
Mike sputtered before managing to speak. "Hi, I'm Mike, this is Louis, we hear that you like young men."
She looked us over like she was selecting a cantaloupe from the grocery display. "I like young men just fine. If you two meet any, send 'em over." She turned to go inside.
"Wait, we brought these for you." Mike held out the plastic bag. She stopped and turned back, taking the bag from Mike and looking inside.
"I like this tea, thanks for bringing it." After another look at us she opened the door. "Well, since you're here, you might as well come in."
