Introduction.
I walk into the darkened, dimly lit space, shrouded in the murmurings of others.
The clinking of glasses, casual conversations, intermittent outbursts of laughter. The room is a blur.
I feel comforted by the undefined anonymity as my heart beats out of my chest.
I draw a slow deep breath, feeling it fill and expand the pit at the base of my belly. In the stretch, I hold.
I lose track...until I remember, then control myself as I slowly exhale, through pursed lips.
I feel pounding in my chest, my ears, as warmth fills my face.
It's so hot in here. I close my eyes and continue to breathe.
All the mutterings are silenced by the rush of air in and the controlled, extended release.
"what the f***?" I'm jolted back into the space as a force knocks me forward.
Thankfully my legs, my feet, respond and catch me as I lunge.
I had stopped in the midst of a thoroughfare, right near the entrance, and been jostled by an energetic party that had just arrived at the bar. They pushed past me and broke my silence with joyus eruptions, squeals of excitement.
Anger and annoyance rise, but after taking a few breaths, quickly subside, as the context of the scene comes back into focus.
I scan the room. I become aware of my hands, clasping, grabbing, wringing at each other just in front of my body.
I wipe my moist palms against the jeans that grip my thighs and continue to step into the space.
It's busy. People are grouped, and are not, all around me. Faceless among the masses.
There is a lively pulse, a festive electricity in the air.
I remember to breathe, as I remember why I'm there...
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Chapter 1- The Onset.
The edible I ate hasn't kicked in yet; time for some liquid courage.
I hate going to a bar alone. Even if I'm meeting someone there, even the act of walking through the door solo, makes my heart race. I feel like I'm pantomiming the actions and observing myself from the outside. Playing the part of a single person opening the door, showing my ID, and taking one step after another as I make my way past others, who seemingly embody themselves. I make my way to the bar.
Thank goodness the bartender has their back to me as I just realized that I have to vocalize an order once I get their attention. My brain is spinning from the noise, the crowd, the edible starting to move from my digestive to circulatory system.
I inadvertently make eye contact with the bartender; my panic is misread as urgency. They hurry over. Shit.
My thoughts race and search for something to utter. With each step the bartender takes, my mind spins further out of control. I manage to sputter, " Gin and ginger...double." The words sound crazy. Is that even a drink? Does this bartender think I'm a joke? Is this going to be drinkable? Or disgusting? My fiery face blinks back tears as I dig for my wallet. I need this interaction to be over. I trade a fistful of bills for the booze and run away from the bar.
I sink into a space of my own, amidst a pool of others. I feverishly sip away at my drink. I'm so grateful for the straw; it gives my antsy hands something to do. Having to mitigate slurping through ice cubes may have been too much to handle, may have put me over the edge. The clash of cold cubes against my teeth, balanced on my lips, might have been enough to call this whole thing off. But alas, the straw.
I swallow the bubbly sweetness as quickly as I can draw it into my mouth. I reach the bottom and the gin hits my brain. I wince and gag. Oof...Strong pour.
I again become aware that I am in a room teaming with others. As I pick up my phone, I feel it buzz in my fingertips.
Two words simultaneously take my breath and cover my body in sweat, "I'm here."
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Chapter 2- At the bar.
Fuck. Why did I do this? It's not too late, I could ghost them. They don't know I, too, am here.
I'm so sweaty. It's so hot! I shove an ice cube in my mouth as I try to bring myself, and my temperature, back down. Breathe in...out....
I start to make my way to the bathroom as I think of my reply. I alternate hands, holding my drink and pressing my cool fingers on my hot face, weaving through the others.
I make it into a stall, and breathe relief as I slide the latch across. I pull my jeans and panties down to my knees and plunk myself on the seat. I close my eyes and take a couple slow breaths. All the sounds are muffled except for two others conversing at the sink. I wait and breathe until they go, and I am alone.
I glance at my phone again. Two new messages. A kissy face and underwear from my partner, and another...from her.
"At the bar. What's your drink?"
Fuuuck! I immediately start googling "cool drink orders"-not another gin and ginger debacle. Jack and coke? Tom Collins? I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard. Beer? Yeah...maybe a beer, that's pretty cool, right? I text my partner and ask if ordering a beer would seem like something a cool person might order.
"Relax. Remember, this is supposed to be fun (wink)."
I text her, "Beer would be great. Anything on tap. Surprise me. (wink)"
...super cool...right?
"Just got here; making my way over. Wearing red."
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Chapter 3-Not Alone.
Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god. Breathe. Ok...I have to go.
I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and again, slowly release through clenched lips. Wipe myself, pull my pants up, button, and flush. I rest my head against the cool metal door, slowly unlatch the lock, and head towards the sink. As soon as I lather up, another group enters the bathroom.
I'm reminded of the loud bustle outside of my sanctuary. They enter stalls as I try to hide my sweat-soaked hair, tuck it behind my ears. I roll my icy glass across my cheeks and forehead, and leave it on the counter. I take one last breath, pause, then push back out into the darkness.
I angle myself so I can approach the bar from the entrance. It seems darker now, and busier. People are everywhere.
A buzz. "Black tank top".
I'm not alone anymore. I start scanning...it's packed. I try to discern couples and groups from any outliers, any singles.
Breathe... Oh god! I realize that she'll probably be able to see me before I find her. RED!
Oh my god! Can she see me right now? (I become aware that I've forgotten how to breathe.)
Be cool...I'm cool. Beer ordering, cool. I'm breathing, cool. Going out to bars, wearing friggin' red, grabbing a beer, cool. Meeting ladies in black tanks, cool.
