I awoke when Tyler shifted his position next to me and realized I needed to take a piss something fierce. He was using the crook of my shoulder as a pillow, and I didn't want to disturb him, but saw no way out of it. Slowly, carefully, I pulled myself away from him. He woke up, rolling over in bed to look at me.
"What's happening?" he mumbled, almost incoherently.
"Nothing, Ty," I whispered, "I just need to go use the bathroom. Go back to sleep."
He nestled back into bed and I tip toed into the bathroom, closing the door before I flipped on the light. The relief of emptying my over-filled bladder washed over me as I aimed the stream at its target. Afterward, I washed my hands and looked at myself in the mirror. A lot had changed overnight.
I was still too angry about Grady's deception to think about him, but it was a problem I knew I needed to confront sooner rather than later. How could he blatantly lie to me about our relationship status? I mean, we started out with no strings attached, so why change what we had for a commitment knowing full well he wouldn't keep his end of that commitment? It just didn't make any sense, and that was what bothered me the most.
The worst part was that I felt guilty about having sex with Tyler. Before I discovered that Grady had broken our commitment of monogamy, I would have never allowed anything to happen with Tyler. I would have turned off the light, told him to mind his own business, and finished jacking off. It was only after I learned that Grady had betrayed me from the beginning with Amy, and again with Tyler, that I realized our relationship- or whatever it was- was dead in the water. If Grady wasn't committed to us, there wasn't one damn reason why I should remain faithful to his lying, cheating ass. And yet, I still felt guilty.
Sex with Tyler was enjoyable, but it didn't compare to how I felt when I was with Grady. Sex with Grady felt easy and natural. It was exploratory and playful. It was fun. With Tyler, I felt like I was trying to prove myself, like I was auditioning to be the better of his lovers. I was deeply in love with Grady, plain and simple. As I stood there facing myself in the mirror, I knew what I wanted most in this world was to be with the one man who was probably not as into me as I was him.
I flipped the light off and walked through the darkness to return to my own bed, leaving Tyler to spend the rest of the night alone.
We were awakened with a loud knocking at the door. I jumped out of bed and made for the door, trying to get my boxers on as I did. It was Mr. Tanner making the morning round-up, informing us we had an hour before we left. I took a quick shower, dressed, and then packed up my stuff while I waited as Tyler showered and got ready to leave. There was very little conversation between us. I didn't know where we stood, and I was becoming growingly concerned that I might have fucked everything up with my relationship. Even while I believed there was little doubt that I had lost him, I still feared losing him. Lost in my ever cluttering thoughts, silence dominated the morning.
We stopped at McDonald's for breakfast, where a couple of the guys who were present when I had my snack machine tirade sat with us. I tensed up, certain there would be another confrontation, or there would be some humiliating insults directed at me for my defense of Tyler. They mostly engaged Tyler in conversation about the coming baseball season because they knew Tyler played on the church's team, The Christian Devils. It was a pleasant conversation, with no mention of the rumors considering Tyler's outing. By the end of our meal, Tyler was animated and back to being the Tyler I knew before he was outed. I relaxed, a little less concerned my confrontation would cause him, or me, any further anxiety.
Tyler sat with me on the bus, and stayed close during the tour of the Capitol building. It was clear that he was still feeling vulnerable. Not that I blamed him. Just because I managed to get through to a couple of our fellow students didn't mean that there weren't others not as easily persuaded.
Throughout the tour, my mind kept wandering, thinking about Grady. Here I was, finally spending some quality one on one time with my fantasy man and all I thought about was Grady. I missed him and wished I was with him, despite all I had learned the night before.
At lunch, we sat alone and the silence between us was finally broken.
"You know, I was secretly in love you for the longest time." I confessed.
"Why?" he asked, dipping a french fry into ketchup before popping it into his mouth."
"Because you're beautiful and mysterious, I guess. Even after I learned more about you, there seemed to always be something else I didn't know about you." So much more than I realized, as it turned out.
"I'm not beautiful," he countered, an obvious blush spreading across his pale face, "But what I meant is why secretly?"
"Because I was too big a wuss to talk to you about it directly." I took a sip of my cola, suddenly feeling thirsty.
"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I have always thought you were hot, but you were so involved with the church I thought there was never a chance at anything between us." I started laughing, choking on my drink. "What's so funny?"
"I was only involved with the church so I could spend more time around you." He joined me in my continued laughter. "It's true. I've wanted to be your boyfriend since I first laid eyes on you."
"Well then, it's probably a good thing you kept your secret. I'm not boyfriend material." He started playing with his ketchup, drawing circles in it with one of his fries. "I learned that the hard way, with Mark. I have too many wild oats I want to sow. Mark tried to reconcile that with a more open relationship, but in the end it was just too much for him. When I was outed, there wasn't any real foundation for our relationship and he got away from me like I was contagious. In a way, I suppose I am."
"So, does your father know you're gay?"
"Does it look like I've been burned at the stake for heresy?" He paused, eyeing my closely. "No, he doesn't know, and he better not find out either or you and your boyfriend will be burning right next to me." My hands clenched into fists at the threat leveled against Grady. I looked out the big dining room window, trying to pull my anger into control. He knew about me and Grady, I realized, how could he possibly know about us?
"What about your grandmother?" He asked before I could question him about Grady, "Does she know you're gay?"
"Yeah, she knows. She always has. She took me in when I came out to my parents when I was twelve."
"How does she reconcile your sexuality with her religious beliefs?"
"She's a new covenant Christian and doesn't put much stock in the old covenant, which was made specifically with the Jews, according to her. She's a firm believer that 'Thou shalt not judge' is a commandment given directly from Jesus, ranking right up there with 'Love thy neighbor as thyself. She doesn't approve, but she doesn't think it's any of her business either. It's one of those things that's just between me and God, and He understands me better than she does."
"I wish my father was more like your grandmother."
"I wish mine was too. His reaction to my coming out was very much like what your father's probably would be, and I know my grandmother didn't raise him to think like that. Are you concerned your dad will find out now that you've been outed?"
