Accepting I’m a Bottom

Married men in their forties are very vulnerable to sexual temptations. Most have been having regular sex for over twenty years and the act itself takes on a different meaning to what it was earlier in life. Whereas it was once something precious to be guarded and only given to a select few, as they age so it becomes less important and not as special. In fact, to many it becomes a commodity, a process, an excitement almost trivial and something to be enjoyed not worried about and shared with just a mistress or wife. It's the buzz we're after not love or affection! And when that happens, we give it away easier, with less selectivity and hesitation, after all with love no longer a factor, merely lust, what's to stop us? Yes,what's to stop us experimenting being less choosy and being more gender fluid.

This is why there are more affairs amongst the middle-aged and why men over forty are prime candidates for one-night or one-afternoon stands. Of course, that's not all men, just most! And it's also why the age group 45 to 49 has the highest divorce rate amongst men. Coincidentally, that is also the age group where the largest number try same gender sex for the first time.

Whilst this is true of many men, not all of course actually do anything about it. Many suffer the pangs and agonies of sexual frustration brought about by their partners denying them the pleasures of their bodies. Why? Because the fun, the excitement, the adventure, the difference and the creativity have gone. So many women not only dry up but also give up.

After sleeping with the same woman for many years, when she pretty much permanently turns him down for no clear reason, he needs something new, something different and something to rekindle that sexual freshness. And if his partner doesn't provide that, then many will look elsewhere for as sure as night follows day there are loads of both genders out there who will.

We're all just one big happy sexual family really, aren't we?

*

I was 44 when I had my first excursion into testing my sexuality came about by chance.

I hurt my leg playing five-a-side football and was recommended to a sports therapist. We got on well on my first visit to his clinic at his home. On my second, when he was massaging the back of my upper leg, I felt myself starting to harden. That was mainly because on a few of the upward sweeps of his hand he went very near to my balls. Then horror of horrors as it was straightening and hardening, he told me to turn over. I hoped that my boxers or the tee shirt I was wearing would hide it, but that was illusory for the bulge was obvious.

Carl smiled and I said.

"Sorry about that," feeling so embarrassed.

"No need it happens now and then."

"Really?"

"Oh yes, magic hands you know."

"Yes they must be."

"They do other magic as well if you are interested."

I got his drift and muttered.

"I see," I said now feeling even more embarrassed and out of my depth.

"As extras of course," he went as he massaged the front of my leg, far softer than earlier.

"Of course," I replied adding as an afterthought. "How much."

"Just another twenty James."

"Ok," I croaked.

Then he did one of the most erotic things I can ever remember. As I lay on my back on his massage table, with him standing beside me, he took the waist band of my boxers in his hands and slowly rolled them down exposing my full hard on to his gaze.

"Mmmmm, very nice, we are enjoying ourselves aren't we?" he smiled running his fingertips along my length as I closed my eyes.

That felt good. It felt very similar to what the girls do in massage parlours before they take you to the happy ending. He poured some oil onto me and the sensation as it dribbled along my cock and onto my balls was fantastic. I gripped the side of the table as he started to rub my length with one hand and cradled my oil-soaked balls in the other. It didn't take long for me to be grunting and writhing with pleasure as he made me cum.

Obviously, I felt some guilt, but not much. Overall, I was amazed at just how similar I felt with a him masturbating me as I did with a her.

A week later I returned to him and we did the same thing. If anything, this time was even better, but I wanted more and different. I scoured the personal ads in newspapers and magazines and found a couple that offered male to male erotic massages. I made an appointment with one and went along.

There was no pretence at anything other than him getting my rocks off. I was naked when he massaged me and he stripped down to a jock strap. He did give me quite a nice straight massage for fifteen minutes or so, but with me lying on my front it slowly became more suggestive. On one upward sweep along my inner thigh, his hand didn't stop the inch or so from my balls that up to then it had. His touch was electric. I grunted and my body jerked. He knew I loved it and he exploited that as fully as I wanted him to. He stroked and squeezed my balls, ran his hands under me onto my blistering hard on, slid his fingers along the crease between my cheeks and pressed right on my anus. Kelly and several other women had been there before with both their tongues and fingers so it was not virgin territory. I was not too concerned, therefore when I felt his fingers slip inside me a little. Turning me over he started wanking me, but unlike the physio he did not use any oil. It didn't take long for me to blast off. In fact, I came so quickly that I didn't have a chance to take advantage of the clear invitation he was proffering by wearing just his jock strap.

I went back a few weeks later and had a repeat performance. This time I held on longer and this time I did reach for him and this time I did rub his big, semi-hard cock and this time, when he pushed himself forward, I licked his length, but I did not get him fully hard nor did he cum.

The next time I went back I really tried getting him fully erect, but to no avail.

A pattern was emerging. I would go weeks without even thinking about anything bi. During that time, I would enjoy my wife and my indulgencies, but then a need would develop for more for something different and that more was some bi action. During the next couple of years, I must have visited another three or four masseurs. Each of them offered me their cocks to play with or suck and one I did jack off. Again, though, I wanted more and that is when I found gay saunas or spas.

I saw one advertised in a magazine so I googled 'gay saunas London.' I was amazed at how many there were. There was one called Chariots that had several outlets not too far from where I live. They also had a good website with numerous photos. I thought that if the actual premises were anywhere near what the photos published, then it would be fine. They were and it was.

Over the next few years, I became an infrequent 'regular' at two of their outlets, the one in East London and the other in Shoreditch, which was larger and became my favourite.

Both places had similar layouts and facilities including: sauna and steam room, bar, cinema, with big plastic covered mattresses to lay on as you watch gay movies, dark rooms where you could hardly see but could touch, loads of individual rooms, some with viewing panels, with narrow beds in them, a swimming pool and several jacuzzis.

The form was that you were given a locker key and a couple of towels and you wandered around wrapped in one as you used the facilities. The place was scrupulously clean and everyone seemed so polite and well-behaved. In all the times I went there I didn't see any bad behaviour, drunkenness or rudeness. Most of the guys seemed to be pretty regular and like me, curious. There were some that were overly camp, but most were not and other than the fact that we were all dressed or, more to the point undressed, just in towels and sex of one sort or the other was going on all over the place, it could have any gym or men's club.

Obviously, most were there to get their rocks off and that was quite easily achieved as pretty much all the guys were up for being touched or touching. The first couple of times I did not do much but gradually I got more into it. So, I might be in the sauna and watch a couple of guys with their towels off and stroking or sucking the other's dick. Also, I could be sitting there and a guy might get close and then touch me. If I didn't fancy him, I could move away and nothing more would happen. If I was ok with him and I did not move then soon his hand would slide up my leg and onto my erection. We might just play with each other in the sauna, go to a private room and jerk or suck each other off, or go to the cinema, lay on one of the mattresses take our towels off and play with each other as guys looked on. Having a reasonably lithe and well-formed body and a fair-sized manhood hard or soft, I had little trouble attracting attention and found that I quite enjoyed the exhibitionist aspect of lying there being played with in front of an audience.

During this period, I was masturbated, I did that to others and I had massages with happy endings sometimes by hand and occasionally by mouth. I was sucked off by several guys a couple of whom let me cum in their mouth, though that was their choice not mine, although I loved it. I got used to giving head and began to enjoy it. Compared to some who gave me blow jobs, I think I was pretty good, but then Kelly was a magician at oral and I just copied her.

I was asked a few times if I would let someone fuck me, or if I would fuck them, but I demurred. I guess I was frightened more than anything. The first time I was asked, the guy said. 'Are you a bottom or top?' I had no idea what he was talking about, but I soon learned the jargon. Oddly, I thought, most did not ask and were content with a hand job or oral or a simulated shag with their or my cock between the tops of the legs.

The Shoreditch place had a swimming pool and I liked doing a few lengths in the nude and then reclining on a lounger without replacing my towel; that often attracted some attention, especially if I got hard. Also, I enjoyed using the big jacuzzi that was next to the pool. To get into that you had to walk past all the loungers round the pool then up some steps to a small landing. There you removed your towel and hung it up before going down the steps into the oblong shaped tub that could probably have seated twenty at a push although, usually there was no more than a dozen in it. I tended to go there after a spell in the sauna, where I would have become at least half-erect. I would then walk past the naked guys on the loungers enjoying their stares at my quite obvious bulge until I got to the landing. After looking at the guys in the tub and seeing any I fancied, I would then slowly remove my towel and even more slowly hang it up. I would then turn towards the tub and pose for a moment or two as I flashed my semi or full erection for all to see.

I was in the process of doing that one Saturday afternoon. I had just turned towards the tub and was posing with my dick at half-mast when I looked across the pool and saw a work colleague, Sam standing looking at me. He smiled and raised his hand. At first,I felt sick at the thought that a colleague knew my secret, but quickly I realised that I knew his as well so I smiled back.

Up until that moment, nobody I knew was aware of my bi life. I had not met anyone other than masseurs and guys at the saunas, I had never traded phone numbers and I had not yet been on a date. The only bi sex I had was at massage places and Chariots. Recently, however, I had wondered what it might be like to meet someone for a drink or dinner and then go somewhere and have sex with them, like a real date.

I didn't see Sam again during that visit, but I did worry about it over the weekend. Then mid-morning on the Monday I received a message on my phone. I saw that it was from Sam. It simply said. 'Perhaps we should talk?' I replied. 'Yes, perhaps we should.' We did and we agreed that we would have dinner at his house in a week or so when both of our wives were away for the night.

I had wondered how things would go? I had thought of a number of scenarios as to what would happen and had pondered on just what Sam intended? I had tried thinking of how he might initiate things, how we would start, how we would undress and what we would do? From my Chariot experiences, I was pretty relaxed about kissing, body to body massage mutual masturbation and oral, but certainly not fucking or being fucked.

Kelly and I both liked anal play, but she did not like penile penetration and I had stopped her when once, a little pissed she had tried pushing her vibrator up my bum. So, the big one was probably not on. Well, that's probably going a bit far as really, I was becoming more and more hellishly curious to find out just what it would be like to be fucked.

I tried understanding myself and what was happening to me. As I removed my towel and was ogled by others by the jacuzzi, I loved the stares and attention I received. I enjoyed being pampered and massaged, laid out in one of the big rooms as one or even two guys kissed, licked and sucked me as others looked on. I enjoyed the attention and, I realised with a bit of a shock, being treated like a woman. That hit me quite hard as I was not at all effeminate although I did occasionally dress up in Kelly's panties and holdups.

So, as I waited for Sam to open the door into his detached house some ten or so miles from mine, I was confused, worried and full of trepidation, but mostly incredibly curious as to what the evening would bring. The door opened, but not fully and Sam stayed behind it and poked his head round it.

"Hi James," he said opening it just enough for me to squeeze past and into the square hallway.

Once inside, I saw why he had not opened the door fully, he was wearing a dark blue, silk, shorty dressing gown. I thought immediately 'That solves two problems, getting started and how would he undress?' It also instantly excited me.

"Hello Sam, how are you?"

"Good you?" he asked closing the door.

"Great," I said rather nervously as the enormity of what I was doing hit me.

I had been full of bravado all day at work and at home when I had dinner, drank a couple scotches and had got ready for my first date. Now I was on it, though, the bravado vanished and I felt as nervous as hell. It was one thing sneaking off to a gay sauna, but quite another, it seemed to me going to a co-worker's house with the clear intent of having sex together.

"Up the stairs," he said leading the way.

We went into a spare room. There were a couple of sweet-smelling candles burning and an iPod on the window sill was playing some cool jazz, quietly. It was sparsely furnished with a modern, low double bed that had no bed clothes, but was covered by a number of dark green towels. There was a dressing table with none of the usual stuff on it, but there were some towels, a few bottles, a small bowl with condoms in it, a couple of tubes and two vibrators, one the size of a very well-hung cock, the other thinner and shorter.

In a different setting, it would have made for a highly romantic atmosphere, in this setting it created one reeking of sex.

"Drink?" He asked.

"Actually, I am driving, so I had better not."

Smiling he replied. "Yes, James you may be, but when will that be?"

"What?"

"You can stay the night you know, or get a cab?"

"Ok, thank you, I'll have a scotch with water please."

"Right, while I go and get it, would you like a shower? I just had one."

"Yes, that would good."

He showed me into the bathroom, explained how to use the shower and left me. I undressed noting that my earlier erection had subsided, presumably through nerves, but the tingling was still there, so I knew it would come back easily.

I showered and dried myself. Wrapping a towel round me I walked back into the bedroom. Sam was there standing by the bed holding two glasses, my whiskey and what looked like a gin and tonic. Putting the glasses down on the dressing table, he turned to me and smiling said.

"Oh James, James, James."

"What?" I asked innocently.

"Why so coy?" He said closing the gap between and putting his fingers into the folds of the towel. "It's not as though I haven't seen it, is it?"

He pulled on the towel, opening it up and exposing my nudity. It was a bit like that first time he saw me at Chariots and I got the same sort of buzz. Dropping the towel on the floor he ran his gaze up and down my bare body. At the same time, he undid his robe and took that off. He was naked as well. He was not erect, but like me there was some strength and movement. He came closer and breathed.

"God you look awesome James."

He put one arm round my neck, pulled my face towards his and kissed me, deep, long and passionately. Although, I had rarely kissed guys at Chariots, I was not, like some, averse to it. I enjoy kissing women and this was really no different other than a little rougher on both my face and, of course my chest. I responded with my lips and quite readily let his tongue into my mouth. He pressed his, now, full erection against me, which, of course meant I did the same to him as I was also now fully hard. Alternating between squirming our erections together and pressing them into the softness of the other's stomach, we continued the kiss for what seemed an age. Our hands joined in. They ran up and down each other's back, went into both heads of hair and reached down and gripped the other's bum cheeks. He moved his body from mine a tad and slid his hand between us and grasped my cock. He rubbed it gently. I did the same to him

Breaking the kiss and moving back a little he whispered. "Do you want a massage before or after?"

"Before or after what?" I asked fearing that he wanted to fuck me.

"Before or after whatever is your pleasure sir," he muttered pushing me down on the bed.

Before we went any further, I felt that I had to tell him.

"Sam, you should know that I don't fuck or be fucked," I blurted out.

"James," he said kneeling beside me. "That doesn't matter a flying fuck, it's this beautiful monster I want," he grinned grasping my cock and then bending forward, he licked my length before taking me into his mouth. I lay back and enjoyed his mouth working on me. Quickly, I reached the conclusion that he was as good as Kelly.

"Nice?" he asked running one of his hands over my chest.

"It's great, but I think it is my turn now," I replied pulling myself out and away from him. I pushed him onto his back and knelt beside him with the side of my knee pressing against the side of his chest. I was facing toward his feet as I took him into my mouth. I sucked it and ran it in and out between my lips with the end almost popping out before I plunged it back in so it nestled in my front.

"Oh yes baby, yes, fucking yes," he groaned running his fingers along the crease in my bum. He pressed right on my hole. It felt nice.

I continued working his cock as his hands were all over my bum, balls and dick. I could feel myself getting near.

"Sam, I can't last much longer," I groaned.

"Nor me, so don't," he replied pulling himself out of my mouth.

Holding my cock as I held his he grunted. "Get on top of me."

With both of us holding the other's length I rolled on top of him and we kissed.

"Fuck my hand," he muttered temporarily breaking the kiss, but quickly starting it again.

So, lying on top of him, holding his dick as he held mine and we kissed we fucked each other's hand.

"Oh yes James, I'm cumming," he groaned as I felt the warmth of the sticky liquid on my hand just as my cock exploded.