Accepting I’m a Bottom

I'd heard, or probably read, that men do it with women and vice versa. With some women, you can tell they are doing it when they look at you. I had not, though, heard or read much about men doing it to men and until recently I most certainly had never done it. But as Gavin leaned back against the work surface in my kitchen and as I looked at him, his clothes seemed to vanish and I visualised him naked.

Gavin is one of my twenty-year-old son's friends. They were at school together and at the time were going off to uni together. I have known him for some time and have always liked him. He is fairly outgoing and charismatic, polite and well mannered, always ready to help and has a fine sense of humour, he fits in easily in our household. He has similar sporting interests as Peter and me, we all play golf and tennis, love football and cricket and he gets on well with my wife and daughter in a friendly sort of way. Although not to any great extent he and I also flirt a little but then so do he and Kelly.

The afternoon when I looked at my son's friend and I 'saw' him naked was a watershed for me. After 'seeing' his broad, chest, narrow waist, long, lithe, runner's legs, flat stomach and beautifully formed long, thick dick I was perplexed. I had not done anything like that before. Over the next few weeks before they went to university it happened twice more with Gavin. The times after these episodes as I masturbated, I shocked myself even more. I found myself visualising being pulled firmly against the body I had 'seen' earlier, holding and stroking that dick and then letting it slide into me as Gavin fucked me just as Sam had.

Over the next few weeks and months, when the boys came home from college for weekends or holidays Gavin seemed different. He was chattier to me, he seemed more interested in me, he looked at me more and smiled at me more often. When alone, as I more frequently was, my mind would more often think about him and what I thought was our burgeoning relationship or, I wondered and expected was it more in my mind than a reality?

It was during the Christmas holiday that as, once more we were in the kitchen, I saw the look in his eyes that I had seen with other guys at the gay spa and I realised there was something more than a son's friend and his father. I wondered if he was undressing me. I felt embarrassed. I also felt surprised, shocked and yes, I have to admit, aroused for I was undressing him.

I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to handle the situation and I had no idea what he was after. Surely after knowing me for such a long time as Mr West, his mate Pete's dad, he wasn't fancying me was he? Surely, he wasn't trying to show an interest? And surely, he didn't want to have sex with me, or did he?

This wasn't something that happened to me, well not with guys. Other than with Sam, I had not been involved with any other than the cruisers at the spa and a couple masseurs. I didn't look at guys and fancy them or visually undress them, but I was with Gavin and that made me think what the fuck was going on in my mind and with my sexuality?

He turned away and picked up the newspaper. The three of us had lunch in the kitchen. Twice his knee touched mine under the table. He helped me clear up and brushed himself against me. Later, when I leaned forward to hand him a beer his eyes held mine longer than they should then slid downwards and peered at the growing bulge in my jeans and then back to hold my gaze. He had a slight smile on his face. I smiled back. As we all watched TV, he and Peter drank their beers as I sipped my wine. He glanced at me a couple of time and, I hoped, did not see me glancing at him. Was he coming onto me?

During the evening I saw that look in his eyes again. At the same time, I was once more undressing him. It made for what I found to be a strange, but highly charged atmosphere. He and I were mentally having sex whilst my son was in the room and my wife was upstairs.

I didn't see him for the week or so over Christmas, but we were at the same party on New Year's Eve. We chatted, but in a group, not just the two of us. It was after midnight as the party in a marquee in the grounds of a mutual friend's massive house, was breaking up that he came up to me. I was standing by the bar. Kelly was talking to some of her golf ladies and Peter was nowhere to be seen, but then he had been chasing an attractive young woman all evening.

"Enjoying it?" he asked.

"Yes, it's fine, what about you?" I said feeling his eyes boring into mine.

"It's ok but I prefer a little more action," he replied with a smile.

"And what do you call action?" I asked feeling hesitant and strangely out of my depth. It had been so long since I had been in a pick-up situation.

"Never mind James," he grinned running his gaze up and down my body.

I looked at him and for some reason did the same as the image of him naked came back into my mind. As my gaze went downward, I was amazed to see that he had an erection. Our eyes then met, he smiled and whispered.

"Sorry," then turning he walked away.

I wasn't alone with him for the rest of the party although, several times before it finished around two our gazes locked. I wasn't at all sure whether I was pleased with that or not.

I spent New Year's Day with the family. Kelly flew off to New York on business the day after and things got back to normal, well actually back to how they were before Christmas. That meant Peter and Gavin spending a lot of time at my house. His parents were near to divorce and his mum, though a lovely lady was a real lush and often was pissed by six in the evening. Gavin nor his father rarely had a dinner cooked for them!

"I'm going back early," Peter told me a few days later. "I have a load of stuff I have to catch up with."

In some ways I was relieved for I assumed that Gavin would go with him. The next day, as Peter started to pack Gavin and I were in the kitchen where I was making some tea. I had put some of his clothes with Peter's in the washing machine. I felt him behind me, quite close.

"Will it be ok James if I pop round now and then when Pete's gone?"

I turned. He was very close, too close really for he was invading my space. Our eyes locked for a moment or two. I didn't know what to do. Part of me, almost desperately, wanted to say yes, but at least an equal part knew I had to say no. From the party, when I had seen that he was erect, it seemed as though he fancied me, but was that the atmosphere and the drink? In this colder light of day, did he want an older man? Also, did I want him? Yes, was the easy answer, yes, I desperately wanted him, but was I prepared to take the risk? Can a man ever really trust another not to tell? Especially one who's so friendly with their son! Can he accept that he won't boast that I have had him?'

In my case the ramifications of Gavin doing that were so huge that I really didn't think the rewards of having sex with him justified the risks. That said, sex changes things and makes us act completely differently to how we know deep down we should. I took a deep breath before answering.

"I'm not sure that would be a good idea Gavin."

"What you mean after New Year's Eve?"

"Yes."

"I said I was sorry."

"Yes you did, I know."

Luckily, or unfortunately I wasn't sure which, we heard Peter coming down the stairs.

"Ok I'm ready, who is gonna take me to the station?"

Gavin and I looked at each other.

"The clothes are still washing, don't you need any of them Peter?"

"No thanks dad, I have all I need and in any case I will be back the week after next it's Brucies party."

"Look shall I take Pete and by the time I get back, my clothes should be finished?" Gavin offered.

"Good idea mate, come on," Peter said putting his arm round me and kissing me. "See you soon dad."

I was on tenterhooks waiting for Gavin to return. I knew it would be at least half hour so I took the shower I had been waiting for but was reluctant to take with the boys in the house. Naked, with the water pouring over me I saw that my nipples along with my cock had hardened and I realised that I was hugely aroused. 'God this can't be happening' I said to myself as unconsciously one of my hands cupped my balls and the other my cock and slowly pumped it. I am quite large, more in thickness than length and have been admired several times at the gay sauna and that made me wonder what Gavin would think of it if he saw me naked. It felt so good as I realised with horror that I was imagining Gavin's hands doing that and I was starting to masturbate. Turning the cold water on I calmed down and got hold of myself, not literally though!

I decided that I would go to the gym as soon as I could get rid of Gavin. I slipped into my white singlet, blue shorts and didn't bother with socks or shoes. I shrugged into a track top that I left unzipped I removed Gavin's clothes from the washing dryer and hung them on the drier ready for ironing later.

I heard his car in the pea shingle driveway, before he rang the bell. I could hardly believe that as I passed the mirror in the hallway I looked in it and checked my appearance. 'What the fuck was I thinking and what the hell was I doing?' I wondered as I reached the door.

"Hi," I said opening the door and standing back so he could get in.

"Hi James, Pete's gone."

"Thanks for taking him."

"He's my mate, that's what we do for each other."

I smiled at that. Having read that young guys don't go for the other's mates girls made me wonder if dads were off limits too. Seeing the look of interest in Gavin's eyes I somewhat doubted it.

"All your washing is ready."

"Thanks James it's very kind of you."

"You're welcome, Gavin."

"Off to the gym are you?" he asked running his gaze up and down my body and, seemingly at least, focusing on my chest. I realised then that wearing the somewhat revealing and tight gym clothes was probably a mistake and might seem to Gavin as being rather provocative or, worse, inviting.

"Yes," I said softly.

"You enjoy that do you?"

"Yes, of course I wouldn't go otherwise."

"What do you enjoy there?"

"The exercise, the swimming and I love the steam room."

He didn't reply for a moment or two as we stood rather awkwardly still in the hallway looking at each other.

"You must get lots of stares," he said quietly, again running his gaze up and down my body.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"It's obvious."

"Is it?"

"Yes very."

"What do you mean?"

"Well you have a fantastic body and men and women love that."

I knew that I wasn't handling this very well and I didn't know what to do. I mumbled. "Thank you."

"James, you must know that I think you have a great figure."

"Gavin stop it, this is silly."

"No, it isn't silly, it's just life."

"It isn't life, it's fantasy."

"What is?"

"What you are saying."

"What am I saying?"

"You know," I mumbled feeling confused and embarrassed, but at the same time excited.

I was enjoying chatting or was it flirting with him! It had been so long since I had done anything like this, since Sam actually now, I realised over a year ago. I felt sort of liberated, free and empowered just as I did when visiting the gay spas before the guilt set in. I realised that I was doing something just for me. It was a little like going into a chat room or a gay spa and I knew full well where that had led, me cybering with a couple of guys and having full sex both ways with Sam. I nearly giggled when I thought what this might lead to.

"What talking about your figure?"

"Yes," I said turning and walking down the hallway towards the kitchen and asking over my shoulder. "I was about to make a cup of tea, would you like one?"

"As long as I don't keep you from your workout."

He followed me onto the kitchen. Again, he leaned back against the same work surface as he had when I first 'saw' him naked. I could hardly pour the boiled water into the cups for my hands seemed to be shaking as once more when I glanced at him, I saw him naked showing his sculpted chest, narrow waist, six pack, athletically muscled legs and his dangling dick. God what the fuck was happening to me!

"Here you are there's no rush."

"Good."

"Why good?"

"Well I was hoping to cadge dinner off you."

"What after I come back from the gym?" I rather stupidly asked when I should have simply told him to bugger off.

"Well, I didn't know you were going did I?" he asked smiling at me as he fluttered his gaze up and down my body. As he did that, I thought to myself 'how many women over the years have I done that to?' I also thought. 'Why the fuck is it that when he does it I feel as if I have had an electric shock?'

"No that's true, it was an impulse."

"Tell you what James, you go to the gym and I 'll cook dinner."

"Don't be daft."

"I like cooking."

For some unfathomable, or was it, reason I agreed.

I could hardly concentrate on what I was doing during my workout as I was thinking what was waiting for me at home. As I ran on the cross trainer for twenty minutes, I determined to get rid of Gavin as soon as possible. As I worked on the rowing machine for another twenty minutes my mind wandered onto what it would be like to have a nineteen-year-old fuck me. As I did my ten-minute wind down stretching, I was totally confused and as I drove home in my Rangerover I had a mix of concern, excitement and guilt as I prepared emotionally for my date with Gavin.

"Hi I've made spaghetti carbonara?" Gavin said as he walked out of the kitchen towards me. "Is that ok?"

He was wearing the uniform of today's youth a white tee and blue jeans that I noticed were tight, everywhere; he looked great. My resolve to get rid of him quickly started to fade.

"Here," he said as I wandered into the kitchen and took in the lovely smells of the cooking and the sight of the neatly laid table; he had even put a rose in a thin vase I noted as he handed me a glass of white wine.

"Thanks Gav, this all looks lovely."

"Well thank you Mr M, but then as usual so do you?"

"Now, now," I said sipping my wine and feeling little tingles going through as I thought about the intimacy of the rather romantic nature of the situation.

"It's almost ready," he went on opening the oven door and removing a French loaf that he must have gone and bought.

"No time for a quick shower then?"

"Afraid not," he replied looking at my slightly perspiration stained top. "Do it after dinner."

The dinner really was absolutely delightful and I had to metaphorically pinch myself several times to remind myself that this was not a date, or was it? He had left most of the lights off so the room was dim and he sat across the narrow table from me under which our legs were nearly touching. Still in the singlet with the tracky top open, I knew he was getting an eyeful of my chest and stomach and that gave me a tingle, just like at the spa when I removed the towel by the jacuzzi.

We talked about a range of things that revolved mainly around university, Peter and people we knew. I realised that I was enjoying myself and almost giggled when I thought. 'It is a date.'

After finishing the white wine that I knew was from an already opened bottle he had said.

"Hope you don't mind James, but I opened a bottle of Chianti, is that ok?"

I noticed that we were now already more than half way through that. That was starting to have an effect on me. My head felt a little 'fluffy' and I knew that my inhibitions were fading for I left the track top unzipped and did nothing to cover up as he looked at me. As he served some Stilton cheese I was feeling very comfortable with him and the situation. I was not being provocative or come on to him, but at the same time I was not being withdrawn, distant or stand offish. As we finished the red wine, I was thinking to myself, albeit well in the back of my mind and then probably not seriously, 'I will leave it to him and go with the flow on that.' I doubt I really meant that at the time, but it made me feel bold and adventurous to think it.

As we finished the cheese and the espresso coffee he insisted upon making with me knowing that I wouldn't sleep well with all that caffeine, I said.

"Well, I had better get that shower."

"Yes, you do that and I will clear up here" he replied.

"Just leave it Gavin, I'll do it later."

"No, no I hate waking up to a mess in the morning."

It took a moment or two for that to sink in and then rather foolishly I stammered. "Are you staying the night?" He had often stayed when Peter was there, but never alone?

Smiling at me as we both stood up he replied coolly. "Well, I haven't been asked," as he paused before adding. "Yet?"

We looked at each other. It was only for just a moment or two, but during that short time so much went through my head. I was wondering what he was thinking, although the lustful look in his eyes gave me a pretty good idea. I was thinking just how wonderful it could be if I knew there was no risk and I could simply say to him 'fuck me Gavin.' The overriding consideration, however, that was roaring through my mind I have to admit guiltily was what were the chances of it ever coming out. And if it did what would be the ramifications? Almost certainly a divorce, but then part of me was already going that way. It was the shame I would bring on myself and the terrible guilt I would feel with everyone I knew and particularly, of course with Sara and Peter. I simply couldn't imagine how I would feel and act if Peter said to me. 'You fucked my mate dad."

As we stared wordlessly at each other for what seemed an age, but was probably only seconds I felt horrified when his clothes seemed to disappear and again, I was looking at his naked form. At the same time, I could see that familiar look in his eyes that I had seen often in other men at the spa. I took a deep breath and dragged my eyes away from his half-erect dick and said.

"I don't think that's a good idea Gavin."

Visibly gulping he replied, putting the ball firmly back into my court. "And why is that James?"

"It's just not."

"I have stayed loads of times before haven't I?" he said quietly as he moved a little nearer to me.

"Yes, but that was different," I mumbled again feeling flustered as I looked at him seeing only his bare body.

"Why?" he said moving even closer to where I was standing with my back nearly touching the kitchen cabinet?

"Well um, er, oh just because it was," I gabbled digging myself into a deeper hole.

"You really mean don't you James, because Pete was here."

"Yes Gavin I do," I replied a little more forcefully, but still hesitantly.

He smiled. "Why was he your chaperone?"

I couldn't help smiling. "No of course not."

"Did he make you behave properly?" he went on now, I thought beginning to chance his arm.

"Of course not, don't be silly," I replied.

"So how would you have been had he not been here?"

"Gavin please," I squirmed getting very uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was taking as he came and stood just a few feet from me.

"Please what James?"

"Stop it this is getting out of hand."

He totally ignored that plea.

"So, are you saying James that had he not been here you would have behaved differently? Perhaps even misbehaved?"

"No, no of course not."

"What then, what are you saying?"

"Oh Gavin I don't know" I said very wimpishly knowing that I was losing the rather oblique debate.

"Maybe James," he said quietly putting his hand on the work surface beside me. "You might have been as you were at the Crompton's party on New Year's Eve."

"No I wouldn't."

"But you were then, weren't you?"

"Were, er was what?" I said rather naively and clumsily correcting my grammar.

"Simple, misbehaving?"

"What do you mean?" I asked deciding to bluff that one out as I had done nothing other than look rather blatantly as his obvious erection