Alone with Strangers

I couldn't believe I was doing it.

It honestly felt like I needed to get a grip or else the dozens of people around me would know. That was ridiculous. The train was always a circus. Even if I were to stand up on the seat and proclaim my intentions for the entire car to hear, people would probably roll their eyes and go back to pecking at their phones.

I was shaking, though. I was on my way. A part of me still thought I would chicken out. Maybe I would. I rubbed my sweaty hands on my pants, trying to calm my nerves. I knew my stop. It would be here soon. I tried to tell myself that it was just my usual route on the L, that I wasn't about to get off in some strange part of the city. It was just like heading to work. That's all.

Trying to distract myself, I stared out the window toward the hues of blue that were disappearing beyond all the buildings outside the window. It would be night soon. This did nothing to ease my mind. It only added to the risks I was already taking. It was downtown. Somewhat. That had to count for something. I wasn't even sure what time I'd get back on the train. I reminded myself for the hundredth time to be extra careful.

I could feel the train slowing. This was it. Some people were already standing. Others seemed oblivious to the change in velocity. I took a deep breath and headed for the doors. For some reason I still thought I stood out, as though I were an imposter. Did anyone notice that I was a stranger? That they'd never seen me getting off at this stop before?

Trudging down the steps, I scanned across the city street for my destination. I weaved through the people to get a better view. It was down toward the end of the block. I knew that already. I'd done the research. I'd been here a dozen times on the Internet. Still, it did nothing to melt the block of ice in my chest. The chill of the evening air didn't help either. I burrowed my hands deeper into the pockets of my pullover and kept my head down. Even a little wind was unbearable in the winter.

Everything here seemed to be awash with neon. Most of it was advertisements or blinking signs. I spotted a nightclub I'd heard much about across the street. The activity here seemed to be just starting. I felt so out of place. This was all so new to me. I told myself that this wasn't even that unusual. In a city like this, you could be entirely surrounded by people, but always alone among strangers.

I didn't look at anyone. There was the odd chance that someone might recognize me. I knew that was stupid too. It wasn't like I had any friends to run into. The thought of bumping into one of my coworkers was horrifying though. They didn't need anymore reasons to fuck with me. So what if they saw me? How would any of them know where I lived? How would they know I wasn't meeting someone? Or on any other errand?

No one even cares,

I reminded myself.

Shaking the thoughts away, I kept my course. I was doing this. The thrill was too much. I could face my fears later, or wallow in regret, whichever came first.

The place was easily recognizable. To my surprise, it looked a lot like the pictures on the Internet. Big neon letters hung above the front windows. Artsy ads covered the glass. I'd expected the place to at least look run down. At least it didn't stick out like a sore thumb. Sure a passerby would know exactly what it was, but it really looked no different than any of the other neon lit shops or buildings on the street. In fact I knew that had I not been searching for the place, I probably would have passed it by. Even the name was subtle. "Carrie's". Not the most explicit title.

I realized that I was standing in front of the store staring. Quickly I pulled my phone out of my pocket and pretended to scroll through texts or social media. Even the act of doing so annoyed me. Why couldn't I relax and stop worrying? I was acting for a crowd that did not exist. Stuffing my phone back into my pocket, I pushed open the door and stepped inside.

A bell chimed throughout the store. I heard the cashier call out a half-hearted greeting from the large counter off to my right. Though I wasn't sure what I expected, it wasn't what I found. Much of the walls were decorative and lit up with glowing pink and purple lighting from the ceiling. Rows upon rows of merchandise lined the sprawling room. The place really had not looked so big outside. The room was deep. Every direction I looked I saw something hanging or displayed.

Not wanting to stand there like a creep, I turned and began slowly walking up the first aisle. I tried to look as though I were perusing the shelves. That was kinda laughable. All I saw were vibrators in boxes. There were so many, of all colors, all shapes, all lengths... god, some vibrated, this one pumped, that one twirled. All of it was right there on the box, many of them on display just atop the shelf at eye level. It felt like shopping at a hardware store, or an electronic store. The only thing missing was the salesperson shadowing my every move.

I reached the end of the aisle and turned to find racks of clothing. Of course, this was all lingerie and leather. I spotted a couple of women casually chatting and picking out a few of the outfits. They barely regarded me. I tried not to stare. It was so hard to pull my gaze away. The women were so stacked and so fixed up, I could only guess as to their profession. Maybe they were strippers. For all I knew, they were just posh internet streamers looking for new gear to reel in losers.

Losers like me,

I thought grimly.

I needed to focus. Peering over the shelves, I spotted the movies against the far wall. Slowly I made my way past the aisles and reached the small section of DVD cases that lined the wall. I couldn't believe they actually existed. It surprised me even more to find that they were alphabetized. Glancing around, I fought away the feeling of being watched. I scanned the cases. Finally, I spotted it.

Fetching the case, I turned it over in my hand and gave it a small shake. It was clearly empty, and nothing was on the back. I instead stared at the ridiculous picture on the front depicting a few adult actors, half naked dressed in costumes sitting around a long table full of dishes. It was about as corny as any of the other movies that lined the wall. Hell, I'd already spotted several super hero movie spoofs just standing there. The movies had to be in the store for pure novelty. There was no way people still bought these in the age of the internet.

I checked the title of the case in my hand.

The Rabbit Hole.

This was it. A part of me still couldn't believe that it was here. There were several copies of it on the cluttered shelves. Seven others to be exact. If what I'd learned online was true, there was a reason for it all.

I glanced toward the front desk. I saw the cashier there. She was ringing up the two women I'd seen seconds ago. All at once I could feel my hands grow clammy and my heart begin to pound in my chest. I took in as deep a breath as I could, but it shuddered through my lips when I let it out. I could stop. There was still time to give all this up. It wouldn't be so bad to just hop back on the train and head home. I had work the next day.

My feet moved. I willed myself toward the front counter. Steadying my breathing as best I could, I approached as the two women were leaving with their purchase. Behind the tall counter was a heavyset girl in a white low cut shirt. Streaks of purple lined her jet black hair. When she smiled at me warmly, I kept my eyes on hers instead of the pillowy tops of her breasts.

"Hey there, did you need help finding something?" The girl asked sweetly.

I shook my head. "I think this is all."

The words dropped from my lips before I could fight them back into my throat. I slid the DVD case onto the counter in front of the cashier. My fingers tapped on the counter before I removed my trembling hands and shoved them into my pockets. I watched the girl. It felt like I couldn't breathe.

I saw her lips tug slightly into a smirk.

"Yeah, no, this one is very popular," the girl told me. "Good choice. Did you need anything else?"

When she spoke, her eyes met mine. Everything seemed normal except that look in her eyes. It was like she was watching me intently, welcoming me to add more.

"Uh... no I'm... just really late, right now," I stammered.

I saw the briefest flash in the woman's eyes before she nodded.

"I understand," She said. "I just have to fetch the disc for this one. It's a used copy."

I stood frozen, unsure of what to expect next. But as I watched her, the cashier turned and headed toward an open door near the end of the counter. When she did, she motioned me over. I could only do as she said. The doorway was covered by beads that hung down. The girl disappeared through the beads into what I could only guess was an office beyond. A moment later she reemerged, still holding the DVD case, which she presented to me.

The girl wore a knowing smile on her face. As I took the DVD case, she took my elbow in her hand and stepped closer to me. Her big breasts nearly touched me. I could see the sharp black lines of her eyeliner, clouded beautifully with a wash of purple and blue shadow. Her gaze flickered across my face, then briefly behind me into the store, then back to mine. When she spoke, her voice was considerably lower than before.

"For future reference, you're late for an important date," she told me.

I finally breathed and nodded.

"Right, I-I'm sorry," I said.

"It's fine." She gave me a big smile. "I mean, I'll probably recognize you if you're back. I usually do."

I wanted to respond, but I didn't know how. I could feel the heat radiating from my face as I blushed.

"There's changing rooms in that small area just back there," the girl went on. "Seven of them are changing rooms. You want number five. There's a handle behind the black curtain on the wall. Unlock it and push. Shut the door behind you. Then take any door that isn't locked. Lock your own."

Though I was sure I'd read it all before, I nodded and listened intently. She was direct and spoke quickly.

"Return the case and its contents to me when you're done," She said. "Clear?"

I nodded again, saying nothing.

The girl studied me, still showing me a smile. For a few seconds, I thought I could see something there in her expression, but I couldn't figure out exactly what it was. Was it just that... that she knew?

"Well, enjoy your viewing, sir," the girl said. "My name is Mandy if you need anything."

"Th-thanks," I replied.

She was already walking off. Mandy stepped back behind the counter and greeted other customers that came in, a young couple. For a couple seconds I didn't know what to do with myself. I must have looked awkward standing there with a movie case in my hand staring at Mandy.

Snapping out of it, I turned toward the far wall of the store. I spotted the opening to the changing rooms near the area where I'd found the DVDs. I refrained from looking over my shoulder. Mandy was probably watching me. Maybe the young couple was watching me. Maybe I knew them.

I shook the thoughts away and turned into the area where the changing rooms were located. Four stalls were arranged on both sides of the room. They looked no different than any other changing rooms I'd seen in many department stores. Everything looked so clean and neat. It only occured to me in that moment how odd it was for an adult store to actually have changing rooms like this. But I knew strippers and escorts shopped here. I thought of the two gorgeous women I'd seen earlier. Maybe it wasn't so odd after all.

The stalls were completely enclosed by thin walls, the only opening near the floor. The doors to each were numbered. I remembered what I'd read, and what Mandy had told me. Five. I wanted number five. I found this door to my right at the farthest end. I made my way to the door with the DVD case in hand. I glanced at a couple of the other doors which stood slightly ajar. I could see only dark walls and black drapes deeper within. There appeared to be no one else back here. I found the fifth changing room. Stepping inside, I pulled the door close behind me.

There was a mirror. A small padded seat. Several hooks were screwed into the black walls. It looked like a changing room, no different. Lights overhead warmly illuminated the little area. I glanced all around, expecting to find something out of place. I sighed. I knew better. I examined the DVD case in my hand instead. Though it still felt light, I could tell that something was inside. Quietly I pried open the case and looked inside. There was no disc in there.

There was a key.

No keyring, no keychain or tag, just a key sat inside the DVD case. It was real. It was there.

The sight of it took my breath. Up to this point it had all been speculation, or even coincidence. I'd been waiting for it to all fall through or turn out to be a myth. But the store was here, the "movie" was here, and now I held a simple key in my fingers. Again I wanted to turn around and flee. God, what if someone found out? Why was I doing this? It was insane.

Closing my eyes, I steeled myself. I looked at the back wall of the changing room. A simple black curtain hung there. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I brushed it aside to see a simple handle. If I hadn't known to look, I would never have noticed it. Before I could overthink everything all over again, I stuck the key into the slot in the handle and turned. It glided in and rolled with ease. I gave a gentle push, feeling the hidden door open. Pulling the curtain aside, I slipped through, shut the door behind me, and twisted the lock.

I then stared down a short dark corridor. My eyes were fixed on the lights beyond. The hallway opened up into what seemed to have been a bathroom at one point in time. As I entered the space, I saw several sinks along the wall to my right. There were no mirrors however. Only spirals of colors decorated the painted wall now. It reminded me of a tie-dye t-shirt set against a navy blue background. I stared in surprise. Glancing over my shoulder, I tested one of the sinks, letting only a short spurt of water out.

My clothes were now glowing. Neon and blacklights lit my pullover, my shoes, and my skin itself. Everything I saw was through a hazy glow of colored light. It felt like I was either drunk or in a dream.

I turned to see the doors across from the sinks on the opposite wall of the corridor. These were the most plain thing in the entire space. Six, no eight doors. Each of them seemed jammed right against the next. This area had to be bathroom stalls at one time. The only special thing I noticed about the doors themselves was a small colored squared right near the knob. I stared down the row of doors to find that each square was green.

Vacant,

I told myself.

Only one other door remained at the far end of the hall, which was clearly labeled with a sign that read, "Employees Only." This had to be access for from the office beyond.

I ran a sweaty hand through my hair. I was here. I couldn't go back. Fumbling with the DVD case, I busied myself by placing the key back inside and closing it. Now what? I hadn't turned back yet. It wasn't too late, though.

Am I too much of a pussy even for this?

I shook my head. Ignoring the alarms echoing in my skull, I reached for the first door in the row, opened it and stepped into the cramped space within.

Immediately I grew claustrophobic. This new room was narrow, but not so tiny that I couldn't stretch out my arms. The air was stuffy. Overhead, a TV glared down at me from it's mount on the wall. Somehow its light did not overpower the slow ebb of dim colored lighting that ringed the room overhead. Remembering what Mandy had said, I glanced back down to find a sliding lock just near the doorknob. I slid it over.

A single chair sat in the middle of the cramped space. It wasn't much. Just a small, plastic chair with metal legs. It looked as though tennis balls were on the feet of the chair, but they were... painted? I wasn't sure.

Silence overtook me then. Even though the small flat screen overhead faintly played the sounds of the movie, it was still so quiet. Everything felt so still and frozen. The men and women on the TV moaned and cried out. Yet all I could really notice was the ringing in my ears. Emergency room waiting areas in the dead of night were not this silent and lonely.

Setting the DVD case down on the floor, I sat in the chair and took the time to study my surroundings. In the pulsing LED light, I couldn't tell what color the walls were. Reaching out to touch them, I could feel that they were padded in some way, with some kind of thin cushion or felt. There was no other furniture in the tiny space, yet above me to my right I saw two rails. Clearly they were handicap handles like the ones in public bathroom stalls. These were repurposed. One ran vertically up the wall about chest high, the other was horizontal and I knew it would be just above my head of I stood. It didn't take long for me to realize why they were positioned this way. Such a thing had never occured to me until that moment. It made the reality of my situation come rushing in at me.

The cheesy porn on the flatscreen overhead. The colorful lights. The narrow space. I was trembling. I couldn't even take a damn breath without my entire body shuddering. I knew why I was here. Maybe I was so sure I'd have backed out by now that I never thought I'd have reached this point. Fuck I didn't even think this was real. They had shut these kinds of places down. For good reason, too, it wasn't safe or sanitary. And it was insane!

I wasn't sure how long I sat there. It was quite a while. I rubbed my eyes and stared blankly at the TV. My eyes saw through the twisted nude bodies on the screen into my memories. The words of my coworkers still raced through my head. I'd been standing there trying to avoid the others at the designated smoking area right outside the warehouse. Joey and Art were talking shit like they always did. I remembered only hoping they wouldn't start messing with me.

I hadn't caught it all. Someone from another department at the factory had gotten caught. Joey was talking about the guy's marital life, about his wife. I'd passed it off at first.

Until they mentioned this place.

Of course they'd gotten the name wrong. Neither of the assholes had researched Carrie's the way I did. But it had caught my attention nonetheless. I didn't know the guy from work who had been caught coming to Carrie's every weekend, but Joey and Art were having a laugh at his expense. Up until that time I'd thought adult book stores and theaters had gone extinct. But there they were, making fun of this guy for getting his dick sucked in a seedy adult store through a wall by some stranger.

I glanced around, still in disbelief. Apparently that was all I'd needed. I shook my head. Was that all it took? A simple mention of the forbidden? In the stuffy silence of the tiny room, I wondered if my perversion was taking me too far. What I did in my apartment was one thing. This... this was too much.

I finally looked over at the hole.

I'd seen it right when I'd entered. But I was still trying my hardest to ignore it. The gaping dark maw stared back at me. Though I tried not to look, my eyes kept finding it. This was no simple hole in the wall. It wasn't a jagged cut padded with duct tape like I'd seen on the internet. The fabric on the wall seemed to pull toward it like a black hole drinking in the matter around it. It look cushioned and inviting. It couldn't have been maybe six or eight inches around, but I knew it was plenty for the purpose.

I couldn't do this. The thought of pressing myself against that wall was so unsettling. Who else had been here? Dozens of other guys? Thousands? And what was on the other side? Had the guy from work been here? What if he had used the same exact room as me, or sat in the same chair I was now sitting in? For fucks sake what if he was to come in tonight in the room next to mine?