Antisocial

--//-- Part One --//--

It was a slow night. An achingly slow night. Not that we're ever exactly thriving but tonight was an exception. I had a couple come through and buy some lube about an hour ago, and now there was a singular dude who was inspecting the whole damn store with a bewildered expression. I wondered how he found himself here- it's almost like he had no idea he was walking into a sex shop when he walked up the stairs. He was picking things up and inspecting them, and dropping them like they burnt him as he worked out what they were. It was kind of funny to watch actually.

He kept checking his phone and sighing. I guess he was killing time. I guess when the only things open at this time of night are bars, us, and the haunted house next door, perusing a sex store isn't the worst way to keep you occupied.

He glanced up at me after almost an hour of investigation and gave me a weird look I couldn't decipher. Usually I read people pretty well. Most of them are embarrassed. Some people are total show offs who couldn't give less of a shit. Most people into the more hardcore stuff buy their stuff online now, so I don't get as many mousy looking girls buying their domme outfits and embarrassed muscle pups shyly picking up cock cages as I used to.

This guy didn't seem embarrassed. He was almost checking me out. Only I could tell from the packet of condoms in his hand, and his terrible haircut, and his shitty body spray that he was straight so it wasn't that.

I looked down in slight disappointment as he put the condoms on the counter.

"Just these huh?" He raised his eyebrows at me. I don't think he expected commentary on his selection. Yeah. In most stores that's not super professional, but it was like 11 at night and it's not like I was making money off his purchase. "Dude you spent like an hour in here and you're getting condoms. There's a Fix just up the road." He smiled and slowly leaned on the desk.

"I'm bored." He said. "There's a lot of stuff in here but this is all I'm actually going to use." I rang them up for him and gestured to the stuff sitting at the till. "Sure I can't tempt you?" He picked up something and frowned at it.

"Not even sure what this is meant to be?" He said. I laughed.

"That, my vanilla bro, is an anal douche." He winced.

"Aaahhhh. Well maybe next time." He paid and fiddled with the pack of condoms. He checked his phone and sighed. He looked at me. "So what's the weirdest thing in here?" He leant on the desk. I thought about that.

"Here..." I wandered out from the desk and went to the For Men section. I laid a few of them in front of him. He frowned, looking utterly bewildered.

"Limp dildos?" I laughed at his expression.

"Packers." I explained. He shrugged, still confused. "For trans guys." I explained. "It can be reassuring to have the bulge, you know."

"Right..."

"That's not the weird bit though." I held up the first one. "Now this dude I get. This is a freaking hearty soft 6inch dick. It's gonna look great, maybe too great- maybe a little on the compensating side but hell, who cares." I held up the next size down. "And this one is perfect. This will look super natural, not eye catching but noticeably there." The poor guy's eyes were bugging out. "But this..." I picked up the extra small. "This is barely gonna show. I don't get it. What's the point of packing if you go with a dick that can't be seen anyway?" The guy laughed.

"Honestly I'm still tripping that that's even a thing..." He took the extra small from me and looked at it. "Well..." He said. "Maybe some more enlightened guys realise that a small dick isn't the end of the world." I glanced at him. Ooops. I turned a tiny bit pink. Ted, you work in a sex store, you know better than to say anything disparaging about penis size, I chastised myself silently. The guy caught my eye and read my mind. He laughed and stretched out. "It really isn't the end of the world." He said. I blushed furiously. He glanced at me. "Not that you'd know Mr Way Too Tight Pants." Oh god. I must have been fuchsia. It normally takes a lot to embarrass me but this random, definitely straight dude commenting on the size of my dick was just a lot to take in.

"What's the weirdest thing that you reckon then?" I tried to recover. He looked over the store thoughtfully.

"In no particular order..." He said slowly. "Pussylicker gel? Like, you need it to taste like fake strawberries to be into eating pussy? And then what the fuck are those weird soft crazy realistic balls with no dick attached? And then... those edible ginger-man pasties, the light up ring toss penis thing, that big threatening leather mask... and whatever the fuck this is?" He held up a little silver bulb.

"That's a shower nozzle." He wrinkled his face.

"A shower nozzle...?"

"It's for your ass." His eyes widened.

"Oh." He cleared his throat. "Oh I see." I laughed at him.

"Your girl doesn't do much anal then?" He blushed.

"Ah, no." He said slowly.

"Most of that stuff is novelty. For bachelorette parties and Christmas stuff for your co-workers. The leather mask is for hardcore gimps. And the shower nozzle usually only gets picked up by cute white glove bottoms who think a bit of shit is the end of the damn world." Straight dude blinked at me and shook his head wordlessly for a second.

"White glove bottoms. Start there?"

"Like... it's so clean you could go in with a..."

"White glove." He nodded. "So... a bit of shit...isn't the end of the damn world?" I shrugged.

"Dude, it's anal sex. If you don't know what you're in for you don't deserve it."

"I've always wondered..." He said slowly. I rested my head on my chin. Here we go. Talking straight dudes through anal sex. One of my favourite pastimes. Or not. He glanced at me. "Oh god, sorry. I'm a dick." I shrugged.

"I work in a sex store. I'm used to it. Go on. Does it hurt? Does it feel good? How do you know if you're a top or a bottom?" He laughed, still blushing.

"Well yeah man- all of that."

"Well, yes it hurts. And yes, the right guy can make it feel good, and I don't know about top or bottom, I guess you just go with what feels good."

"I just... I guess I don't get, like, having a penis man and not wanting to use it." I shrugged.

"Me either dude. Bottoms are crazy."

"Oh so you're..."

"A top, thank you so much for asking."

"Hmmm yeah. I guess that would be kind of a waste." He laughed as I failed to say anything smart and gaped wordlessly at him.

"Your girlfriend know you spend your Friday nights in six stores telling random dudes how big their dicks are?" I managed eventually. He laughed.

"You're not a random dude. You're..." He frowned at my name tag. "Lucy?" I looked at it.

"Yeah, we don't super love giving our real names here. Boss just has a stash of random name tags. I'm Teddy."

"Teddy." He said incredulously.

"Truly." He didn't look convinced, but I wasn't lying. I've always gone by Teddy. It's old fashioned and kind of sweet. Better than Ed, for sure. He shrugged.

"Well. Teddy. I'm Mick." He shook my hand. He was clammy. I smiled thinly at him. Enough. He should go meet his girlfriend and I should re-shelve the vibrators he'd accidentally knocked down on his journey.

"Nice to meet you Mick. Have a good night." He grinned and leant on the desk.

"Ouch, VERY unsubtle brush off dude." He held my gaze and I sat down opposite him, raising my eyebrows.

"Oh what, like you wanted to exchange numbers?" He laughed.

"I'm super bored." He said. "You must be too, this store is dead."

On cue I heard the buzzer from downstairs and smiled as the girls from Ivy started traipsing up the stairs. I grinned at him.

"Watch out." I warned him.

"Why...?" He was cut off as Tina walked in and squealed.

"Teddy! Is this yours?" She pounced on him and unceremoniously felt up his biceps and he looked at me in shock and... maybe fear...

"No..." I started to say, but Lola cut me off.

"He's very cute Teddy, about time you found a nice cute one."

"We just met!" I laughed as Wanda joined them in patting Mick, who looked like he was starting to enjoy the attention.

"No go on!" He laughed. "Cute and nice... and handsome right?"

"And funny." Wanda cooed.

"And straight!" I protested.

"He can't be straight." Lola said, leaning over the desk. "He's in a sex store chatting to YOU."

"Give him your number." Wanda directed.

"I'm so sorry about them." I said to Mick. He looked at me thoughtfully as the girls gently felt him up. He didn't seem half as uncomfortable as most straight guys would be with a team of drag queens all over him. He actually smiled as he caught my eye.

"So you gonna give me your number?" The girls screamed.

"Ah! Young love!" Tina sighed and dramatically threw herself across the desk, knocking over my carefully arranged butt plugs.

"Oh stop it all of you!" I said. Mick batted his eyelashes at me.

"Ah come on Teddy. I don't bite."

"Oh he likes biting." Tina said quickly.

"He's a very generous lover." Lola said. I hit her softly across the counter.

"Calm down ladies. Let Mick take his condoms and go meet up with his girlfriend."

"Baby, you want his number?" Tina asked Mick. He grinned and nodded. I rolled my eyes.

"Well if you won't I'll give it to him." Wanda pulled out her phone from her bra and started dictating to Mick. He was taking it down. I sighed and sat back on my chair.

"Typical top." Tina whispered to Mick. "You have to do all the work."

"You're worth it though aren't you baby?" Wanda smiled at me. I shook my head and waited for the farce to end.

"They seem nice." Mick said as finally they were distracted by our new range of novelty pasties. I sighed.

"Ah. I love them really. Sorry."

"I'm not. Got your number." I rolled my eyes again.

"Ah-huh. Can't wait for the 2am 'I'm horny, do you do blow jobs' text." Mick leant over the counter and looked me in the eye.

"Hey Teddy." He said. "Imagine you only just realised the reason you were never that into sex is that it turns out you were into guys all along. Imagine you were on your way to a hook up that you were in no way prepared for but seemed to have been blown off anyway, which frankly was a fucking relief, and then, while you're buying condoms which look at this stage like they will lie unopened at the bottom of your bag for months, you meet a cute guy with a big dick who seems to know what he's doing. You don't think you might be just the tiniest bit interested in his number?" I looked at Mick. He was wide eyed, and slightly pink. I held his gaze for a second. Jesus. Who the fuck was I talking to?

I cleared my throat.

"Well." I said slowly. "I guess I'd want to first of all delete that number Wanda gave you, it's her other Edward and she does that all the time... here." I held out my hand and he passed me his phone. I slowly keyed in my number, glancing up at him. He was grinning. "Don't you dare call me at 2am demanding a blow job." I warned him. He grinned and called the number. My phone lit up.

"Just checking." He said. "What time do you finish up here?"

"3." He sighed as he checked the time.

"That does look a bit desperate to wait that long doesn't it?"

"Who knows, your Scruff guy might come through." He bit his lip.

"I'm not sure that's how I want my..." He blushed. "Anyway. It was actually really nice to meet you. I am gonna text, but I'll make sure I demand a blow job at a reasonable hour." I laughed.

"Nice to meet you too."

I shook my head as he walked off. Weirdo. You get a lot of those though.

I just don't give most of them my number.

"Did we scare him off?" Lola asked. I glanced up.

"No, I did."

"Aw, why sweetie?" Tina clasped my shoulder and I laughed.

"He's not really..." I screwed up my face. Not my type? That was a lie and they knew it. Gay? Well. Who was I to make that call for him. "Experienced." I went with.

"You'll break him in gently." Wanda said. I sighed.

"Don't get your hopes up ladies. This isn't a bad porno."

"No." Tina said. "Might be a good one."

——

I'd all but forgotten about him when he wandered in the next week. He glanced at the counter and grinned.

"Oh thank god." He said. "It was some woman last time. I had to buy something just to look like I wasn't a total weirdo."

"What did you buy?" I motioned to a stool and he pulled it up and leant over the counter opposite me.

"I panicked dude. All I could think about were those limp dildos." I laughed.

"You bought a packer? You total fucking weirdo." He laughed.

"I know! I just didn't want to buy like... a butt plug or anything too novelty... I told you, I panicked." I laughed at him and put my book down.

"So you go for the big or the small?"

"The small!!" He laughed and pushed the coffee he was holding to me. "Black or white? I didn't know." I smiled.

"Black. Thanks." He pushed it towards me and picked up the other.

"Figured you could use the caffeine to keep you going till 3am." He said. I sipped on it and blinked in surprise. He grinned at my expression.

"Friend at Midnight hooked me up. Figured whiskey if you drank black and Kahlua if you drank white." He sipped on the coffee in front of him. "Thank god you drink black. I'm a hella sweet tooth." He grinned.

"You're hella sweet." I shot back. Sue me, I'm a flirt. He blushed and rested his head in his hands.

"So... hey."

"Hey."

"Good night?"

"Busy. Bachelorette party."

"Oh god. Bet they loved you."

"They did." I mirrored his body language and leant on my arm as I looked at him. "You know how much women love a gay man who knows his dildos."

"No." He said. "I would really have no idea."

"Well, trust me. A lot." Mick grinned and raised his eyebrows.

"Teach me." He said. Which I took as a personal challenge. I stood up and collected a selection for him. He stared at the pile in my arms and gulped.

"Oh boy."

"Yep."

"Surely no one..." He said as he looked at the Bad Dragon.

"Oh yes they do."

"Oh my God." I laughed at his face.

"It's ok. Here's what you start out with." I held up a butt plug. "I don't usually bore the women with this because it's not gonna feel like much." Mick frowned. He gingerly plucked it from my hands.

"Women don't feel this?" I blushed a little. That's right. He all but confessed he had a small dick. "No, that's not..." I winced as he caught my eye. "This is for training your ass. You don't need to train a vagina." Mick raised his eyebrows at me.

"You know." He said slowly. "It's really interesting that you decided to show me things that train your ass."

"Oh fuck off." I laughed. "That's not..."

"I'll buy it." He said. I blinked.

"Uh..."

"Really." He said.

"You... Well I mean sure thing dude but... you said you didn't get bottoming." Mick shrugged and looked at me slyly.

"Well... I did some research." He said. "You're not gonna believe this dude but it turns out you have this thing in your ass and it feels fucking great. You wouldn't know about it." I sat down opposite him.

"You found your prostate."

"Oh dude, did I ever." He grinned. "Maybe I could show you one day." I choked on the coffee and he looked at me sympathetically as I spluttered over the desk.

"Or not." I suggested. He shrugged.

"Well. If you ever change your mind." He smiled sweetly at me. "Hey Teddy." He said. "Prostate aside... I thought we could maybe..." I glanced up as the buzzer went off and I heard the chatter of a horde coming our way. "Mmm." He grunted. "That sounds like my cue." I stopped him as he stood up, planting a $20 on the counter and pocketing the butt plug.

"You have my number." I reminded him before he left. He grinned.

"That I do."

——

He texted two days later.

What's a reasonable time to get coffee with a dude who works till 3am?

I blinked at my phone. I grinned at it. I caught the eye of my mate Blair sitting beside me. He glanced at the text.

"Coffee huh?" He murmured. I shrugged and didn't reply, because the professor was glaring at us.

Weekdays I'm a normal dude

I texted back once class was finished. My phone started to ring and I picked up.

"Turn around." He said. I glanced up and slowly turned. He was sitting across the quad and waved at me. I smiled and went to join him.

"Hey." I sat beside him. He grinned.

"Hey."

"Coffee? My round." I suggested. He smiled and stood up, helping me to my feet.

"I would love that." He said. "Let's hit the post grad lounge."

"I'm not post grad."

"Oh no." He pretended to look shocked. "You reckon they'll throw you in jail if they catch you?" I rolled my eyes and laughed as I followed him round the corner.

"Shut up." I said. Guess I never really thought about breaking the rules like that.

They didn't check, huh. I never knew. We sat down together and Mick smiled at me.

"So what do you study?" He asked and I shrugged.

"BComm." He winced.

"Ew. Thought cool guys who work in sex stores studied Art or Music."

"Cool guys who work in sex stores sometimes hope that one day they'll get a real job and an stop slinging lube."

"Boring."

"Go on then. What do closet cases study?" He laughed.

"I'm not in the closet! Just a late bloomer."

"Tell me about it. Most guys work out where their prostate is when they're like 15."

"Well I fully intend to make up for lost time." He boasted. "When are you on next?"

"Fridays and Saturdays." I said.

"Good. You can finish that dildo tour." I choked on my coffee and glanced around. He rolled his eyes.

"No one cares." He said. I grumbled to myself. He looked at me over the table and sighed.

"Hey... uh Teddy..." He bit his lip. "Look, you're the only... you're the only guy I know who can tell me this honestly. I was wondering..." He sighed and looked down at his coffee. "Am I hot?" I rolled my eyes. "Tell me. I can take it." I sighed.

"You know you're hot." I sighed. For fuck's sake, the guy was a fucking parcel of muscle. He had short hair and was currently wearing a backwards cap- I mean if he'd ever watched gay porn he had to know he was the damn prototype of 'hot frat boy fag'. "What are you actually asking me, Mick?" He glanced up at me.

"Well." He sighed. "I guess... I guess, maybe I was asking if YOU think I'm hot..." I kept my sigh of exasperation to myself.

"I'm having coffee with you." I smiled. "That's usually a good sign." Mick grinned and reached for my hand and I moved it away without thinking. His face dropped. Uhh. This guy... god. He was a lot.

"Sorry." I said. He huffed, his shoulders slumping forward and he pouted into his coffee. He was really cute when he pouted. I felt myself melt a little and reached for him, enjoying the way his soft brown eyes lit up when I took his hand. He glanced up at me.

"Am I just not your type?" He said softly. Ughhhhh. "Are you seeing someone?" He pressed.

"No." I grunted. "I'm single and you're my type."

"Well then." He grinned and squeezed my hand. I squeezed his in return. I cleared my throat.

"So what do you study?" I asked. He smiled.

"Latin."

"Jesus Christ." He shrugged at me.

"Yeah I know. Crazy. You said bottoms are crazy."

"Oh so we've decided we're a bottom, have we?"

"I guess so." He grinned. "Which is awfully convenient because there's this hot top I'm talking to." He grinned and I rolled my eyes. "Maybe you could come over tonight?" He asked. Je-sus. I guess taking it slow wasn't really in his nature.

"Uhhh..." He sighed as I frantically searched for an excuse.

"Teddy. " He cut me off.

"Look..." I started to say and he sighed.

"Ok, I get it." He pouted and slowly reached for his bag. I stopped him.

"Look, Mick. It's not that I don't want to, mate. It's just that you're barely out, we barely know each other- and frankly I'm a little worried that I'm going to fuck you, you're going to call me and I'm going to ignore you because I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I just don't think its right." He looked at me thoughtfully.