As You Are

Confessions and Insecurities arise

"I was sexually assaulted when I was a teenager." His eyes widened at my confession. He tried to speak but I cut him off with a shake of my head.

"Michael you need to know this. Please let me explain this to you." He looked a bit unsure but nodded. I took a deep breath and spoke.

"I coming from school a friend's house one night when just a few blocks away from my grandmother's house a group of guys in ski masks came out of nowhere and attacked me. They shoved their hands in my pockets and demanded money but I didn't have any on me because I had used it for the bus. They started shoving me around like I was nothing and called me names. I started to beg them to let me go when one of them came towards me with a knife in his hands. I was ordered to take my clothes off but when I declined I was punched in the face so hard I fell. He didn't even give a chance to recover and jumped on top of me and ripped my clothes off with the knife as his friends held me down. I screamed and kicked at him but it was no use. He punched me over and over until I lost consciousness. When I came too I was on my stomach and he was penetrating me.

The pain was so excruciating I screamed and cried begging him to stop but he didn't. It felt like hours as he kept going. I finally stopped fighting and let him rape me. I lost count of the times he came inside me. I just lay there bloody, crying and powerless as his friends laughed at me. When he finally got up I saw a tattoo of angel on his torso and I recognized him. He had no idea I had seen it. After they left I forced myself to get up and walked to my house. As soon as my grandmother saw me she knew what had happened and took me to the hospital. After the doctors finished examining me the police came to take my statement and I told them everything. They arrested the guy who raped me that night. He revealed the identities of the others and they were arrested as well."

I stopped talking as tears fell down my face. I was looking away from Michael afraid of what I might see. I didn't want him to feel sorry for me or worse yet, pity me. I had seen enough of it to last me a lifetime. I felt fingers wiping tears away from my face. He titled my head to him and I gasped when I saw the tears in his eyes. He was looking at me with sadness and love. Damn I didn't need this now! He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. When he pulled away he looked into my eyes and I melted.

"Who was he?" He asked after a moment.

"He was ex my boyfriend." His breath hitched.

"But why would he do this to you Shaun?" Michael looked confused.

"Actually I had just broken up with him a few days ago when I overhead him and his friends talking about me. Apparently he was dating me because I was a virgin and he wanted to know how it felt to sleep with someone like me. He kept whining about how I was proving to be more of a challenge and how he was gonna brake me eventually. I saw red and stormed into his room. He was putting on his shirt and I saw the tattoo. At the time I didn't care about it. I yelled and called him a dick for playing me like that. I told him it was over and that he would never get the chance fuck me. I saw the anger in his face because I had embarrassed him in front of his friends but at the time I didn't care. He was bustard and I let him know it. I think that's why he never said a word the whole time his friends were holding me down during the rape. He knew I would recognize him." By now the tears were pouring down like a river. I sobbed like a girl in his arms. Michael wrapped me in his warm embrace until I calmed down. There was something about this act that made me feel safe. It was new to me. He finally pulled away and held my hands in his.

"I'm sorry that they hurt you Shaun." He whispered as he brought them to his lips.

"They did, but I got help and learned to deal with it. I can never forget but..." I didn't know what to say anymore. I ran a hand through my hair as I looked everywhere but at him.

"I don't even know why I told you this I mean... I've never told anyone except Olive and Matt."

"You trust me enough to confide in me Shaun and I'm glad you did." He replied with a warm smile. We held each others gaze and I found myself getting hard. God I wanted to kiss him so much, but a huge part of me wanted to get away from him. How could I be turned on at a time like this? Now I was torn and I didn't know what to do.

The fact that I was fighting with my emotions must have showed on my face because he frowned and then gasped when he realized what I was about to do. I quickly scrambled out of bed, grabbed my clothes on the floor and almost ran out of the room. By the time he found me I was putting on my shoes and heading for the elevator. I was about to step in when he grabbed my hand.

"Shaun please don't do this. Don't leave like this." He pleaded.

"I'm sorry Michael but I can't be here with you, not now."

"Why not?"

"All of this is just too much...I need to think."

"You can do it here."

"No I can't, not after this. It's too much I..."

"Please..." He begged with tears in his eyes. Why did he have to look at me like that?

"You don't understand Michael. This should not have happened. I wasn't supposed to tell you. Not like this, not now."

"What do you mean?" He asked. I knew I wasn't making sense to him but it was so difficult to explain. I had to get out of there now.

"I just need to think Michael I...I can't be here right now."

"Please baby let's just sit down and talk ok."

"I can't be around you right now." I replied as I pulled my hand away from his grasp. "Please give me time to think." He was quite for a moment.

"How much time do you need?" He asked with a small voice.

"Enough... I have to go." I whispered as I walked in the elevator. As the doors closed I looked at the crushed look on his face and my heart broke.

...

"What the hell were you thinking dude." Olive asked incredulously. After leaving Michael's house I went to see her and Matt and told them what had happened. What I didn't expect was for them to get angry with me. This was not what I expected at all.

"I didn't mean to leave like that but I couldn't stand the way was looking at me." I tried to explain.

"But leaving after confessing to him was just cold man." Mat looked at me like I was crazy.

"Matt please I didn't come here so you guys could remind me of how horrible of a boyfriend I am. I need your support right now." I cried in frustration. Olive rolled her eyes at me.

"We love you Shaun but we also have to be honest with you too. What you did was unfair. Yes you shocked him with the news but he dint run away from you like you were some kind of disease. He tried to comfort you for goodness sake."

"He felt pity for me Olive. I didn't want that."

"Did you want him to start laughing at you?" She asked.

"What?" I asked in annoyance. I was regretting ever coming here in the first place.

"Man you're clueless." Matt sighed and blinked.

"Why did you tell him in the first place Shaun? I mean you have never told any of your past boyfriends, not even Tom knew and you guys were serious." He asked. In my mind I had the perfect answer but the moment I opened my mouth nothing came out. I did it again and...nothing. I was speechless for a moment. I didn't know what to say and worst of all, I found myself blushing for some unknown reason.

"Oh my god, you love him." Olive said with a wide smile on her face. Matt looked over at me too with a knowing smile. I know I was beet red by now and the fact that I still couldn't find my voice was a dead giveaway. Olive jumped up with joy and pulled me into her arms. She held me so tight I could feel her breasts pressing against my chest.

"Eeew your boobs are touching me. Get away from me you perv." I pulled away from her with an angry face. She knew I was faking and glared at me with that silly little smile and waited with folded arms.

"The fact that you still haven't given us an answer is all we need know Shaun." Matt added.

"Ok so I might be in love with him, but it's too soon to feel like this right? We're supposed to be hanging out and getting to know each other."

"You can't choose when to fall in love with someone. I fell in love with Olive the moment I saw her. So you see Shaun, it just happens." Matt said as he and Olive shared a look so tender it made me sick.

"Anyway...Shaun you must have told him because you trusted him or else you wouldn't have opened up to him. We both know how hard it is for you to do that."

"I can't face him now guys. Not after the way I ran out on him. It's too embarrassing." I said with a sigh. I felt so tired.

"Maybe you don't have to." Olive held up my phone with a worried look. Michael was calling again for the hundredth time that night. I felt really bad now. He was trying to reach out to me and here I was still avoiding him. We all let it ring until it stopped. Matt touched my arm and looked over at me.

"You need to talk to him Shaun. He really cares about you."

"I will, I just...I need time." I replied with a small smile on my face. "Can we just change the subject please?"

They all looked unsure but nodded anyway. Olive started making dinner and we talked about something else. My friends were right and I knew it. I loved Michael and it scared me...a lot. When I got home I sent Michael a text explaining to him that I needed time to think about things and that I would call him. For a moment I thought he wouldn't reply but when he did I was relieved. He told me that he understood and would wait until I was ready to talk.

I felt so numb I didn't even have the energy to shower and went straight to bed. For the first time in weeks I had nightmares. I wished Michael was here with me. I pushed myself into work to avoid thinking a lot and before I knew it the week had passed. I was so absorbed in my own world that I didn't even know how much time had passed. But I missed Michael terribly and I still didn't have the guts to face him.

Matt and Olive kept pressing me to go see him but I kept putting it off. But I knew I wouldn't be able to put him off for long. The distance from him was killing me and I felt like I was going to lose my mind. So Friday night after work I went to HEAT to see him. Tazz told me he hadn't come in to work because he wasn't feeling well. Now I felt very bad. After a long debate with myself I drove to his house. He had given me his password to the elevator so I went through. When I walked in the place looked deserted. I took out my cellphone and was about to call him when he walked in with a towel around his waist.

He must have just come out of the shower because he was dripping wet from head to toe. My mouth watered as my eyes traveled down his sexy rock hard abs, six pack and long strong hairy legs. I found myself drooling just watching him. When he saw me standing there he looked surprised. I didn't miss the sad look on his face and the bags under his eyes. This was all my fault.

"Hey." I said with a small smile.

"Hey." He replied nervously. We both stood there just watching each other. It occurred to me that I should be talking instead of just standing there like an idiot so I cleared my throat and spoke.

"How are you?" I asked mentally kicking myself for asking such a stupid question. He slowly smiled and I found myself yearning to touch him. God he was so beautiful. I had missed him so much it brought tears to my eyes.

"I'm ok, I've just missed you." He replied.

"I missed you too...I'm sorry it took me this long to contact you."

"It's ok Shaun you asked for time and that's what I gave you. I just hope it was enough."

"It was enough... I'm sorry left like that."

"It's ok baby, I'm not angry with you."

"No Michael it's not. I didn't explain everything to you." He got quiet and just looked at me. After a few seconds he started to look confused.

"What do you need to explain?" He asked.

"I will but I just need you to change first because I can't concentrate with you looking like that." As I said the word my eyes were already traveling all over his sexy body. He was so hot and I couldn't help but lick my lips. When my eyes met his I found him looking at me with a knowing smile. I blushed as we shared a laugh.

"Ok I'll be right back." I watched him walk away and sat down on the couch. A minute later he came back wearing sweats and a shirt. He sat on the same couch with me but a few inches away.

"So...are you ready to tell me?" He asked and I nodded.

"Yeah um...the thing is that ever since the rape I haven't really had sex." He looked confused and was about to say something but I cut him off so I could explain.

"I have had sex, but it only happened twice and it was so bad that my boyfriend broke up with me." His eyes widened as I went on.

"Every relationship I've had in the past never went further than kissing." He was still looking at me and I wanted to slap myself for not explaining properly. This was not going well so I decided to shut up and compose myself.

"Was is painful or what?" He asked.

"No...I mean yes it was but the other problem was that I couldn't relax enough to let... The problem was me."

"How do you know that Shaun?" he asked. I got up from the couch and started pacing the room in frustration.

"Of course it was me Michael. What other explanation could there have been?"

"Maybe your lover was a selfish prick who only cared about his own pleasure. Did you ever think of that?" I shook my head.

"No it wasn't Michael. It was definitely me. I can't relax enough to have sex or at least enjoy it. And in the past I didn't want to disappoint any of my past boyfriends in bed so I settled for foreplay. I knew we couldn't have sex so I would suck them off. It sounds disgusting but I got so good at it I convinced them that nothing could be better. At least they wouldn't pressure me into having sex right away. But eventually they realized that it was all they were going to get and they left." By now shame was written all over my face.

"I just wanted to warn you that I am going to disappoint you Michael. I care about you so much and I hope that when we finally get around to having sex it won't be bad enough for you to leave me." Tears fell down my face as I watched the man I love stand up and walk towards me. He cupped my face with his warm hands and looked at me with so much care my love for him grew even more. It was too bad that he was going to break up with me. He meant so much to me that I didn't know how I was going to live without him.

"It's ok Michael, I understand why you want to break up with me. But I just want you to know that I love you no matter what." My heart broke as I said those words. His eyes widened in surprise at first and then he chuckled. Now I was confused.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"I'm not breaking up with you Shaun." He replied.

"You...you're not?" i stammered.

"No I'm not. Why would I leave you when I love you so much?"

"What?" I didn't mean to yell but I couldn't help myself. I had never expected to hear him say those words. My heart soared with so much joy at that moment I felt like flying.

"I love you Shaun or did you want me to shout it out too?" He joked and we both laughed. Even though he had repeated those words I still couldn't believe it. I pulled him to me as our lips met. I moaned as he thrust his tongue in my mouth. Or hands tightened around each other as our kisses grew passionate.

We both stumbled over the couch as we devoured each others lips. We pulled apart and tried to catch our breath. We looked at each other and my breath hitched. His eyes burned with lust and love it lit a fire in me. We both reached out to each other for another kiss. This one was more passionate but short and I looked at him in confusion when he pulled away. I tried to kiss him again but he pulled away again.

"Now I know something's wrong."i whined.

"Nothing is wrong Shaun I just..." He paused for a moment and I grew nervous.

"What, don't you want to do this with me?" I asked as fear crept in me. I really thought he loved me. Was I wrong?

"Of course I want to be with you. But I think we should stop this now before we get carried away." Was he crazy?

"Like hell we are." Now it was his turn to be surprised. I sat on his lap and held his face in my hands.

"Shaun we should..." he tried to speak but I cut him off.

"Please kiss me." I whispered with a plea and kissed him. We both moaned as I sucked on his tongue. His hands were everywhere at once. I rubbed against his hardness drawing a groan from him. He cupped my ass in his hands and squeezed. God that drove me crazy. We both groaned as our hard cocks rubbed against each other. Shit I wanted him so much right now or I was gonna blow. But he pulled away...again. What the hell.

"Shaun we have to stop."He panted.

"Why?" I asked this time in agitation.

"You're not ready for this." he breathed out.

"It's not really sex Michael. I want to suck your dick and taste your cum in my mouth." I replied as I licked his ear and thrust my tongue inside it. That drove him crazy.

"Oh fuck baby that's so hot." He cried out in pleasure. For a second I thought I was finally going to get my way when he held my hands with his and tightened his grip. It wasn't enough to hurt but it was firm.

"Now what?" I asked.

"What I mean is that we can't do this." he tried to explain.

"What, you mean I can't kiss you?" i asked in disbelief.

"We can kiss but that's just the only thing we will be doing for now." He explained.

"But I'm fine." I couldn't believe he was doing this.

"It may look like it but honestly you're not Shaun." I sighed in frustration. He caressed my face with his hands and smiled at me.

"I'm not saying we can't ever move past making out baby. What I'm saying is that we don't have rush that's all. We all the time in the world to do more." I just looked at him in awe.

"I don't want you to do this because you think it's what I want. You have to want it too. And I promise we will get there. But now is not the right time and I will wait until then. Is that ok?"

"Yeah it is." I replied with a smile. He smiled back and gave me a peck on the lips.

"You may believe that you cant enjoy sex but I promise that when I finally make love to you, you will cry out in pleasure." he whispered against my lips. I forgot to breath as I watched his face. I had a feeling he meant it but doubts were creeping in my mind.

"Michael I..." I was about to tell him about my doubts when he cut me off.

"Thats a promise Shaun. Don't say anything." He whispered and gave me a peck on the lips.

I got off his lap and settled next to him as we both calmed down. We spent the night talking and laughing. We even kissed a few times but never took it far. When we finally went to bed in the early hours of the morning, he held me the entire time until I fell asleep.

I couldn't believe how lucky I was. Michael was everything I have ever wanted in a man and he made me happy. When I woke up the sun was shining and my side of the bed was empty. For a few minutes I lay in bed and thought about everything that I had happened in the past week. For the first time in a long time I felt free and happy inside. I couldn't help but smile. The whole rape thing felt like such a distant memory now.

I was in a great relationship with a guy who appreciated me and I was going to cherish every moment I had with him. I heard Michael's voice coming from the kitchen and I got up and put on my boxer shorts. I decided to wear one of his t-shirts because they were bigger and smelled like him. I found him in the kitchen making breakfast while talking on the phone. He saw me come in and pulled out a chair for me to sit and placed a plate with bacon and eggs and a cup of coffee in front of me. He kissed the top of my head grabbed a cup of coffee and joined me at the table. A few seconds later he hung up and looked at me.