The only thing standing in his way now was Brian Mueller. 'Fuck him.' Rick thought. 'He may be rich, and he may be famous, but he's still just a man. He started on the bottom and crawled his way to the top just like every other struggling artist, but that don't mean he's better than me.' Rick knew it wouldn't be easy, but damn it, he wasn't going down without a fight!
Rick walked over to one of the boxes that they'd stacked in the corner and sat down on it. "Hey, Trash?"
Trash had been flipping through an old worn out copy of 'Playboy' he'd found among the debris they had cleaned out. When he heard Rick say his name he looked up. "Yeah buddy?"
"We've been friends now what? Almost six years?"
Trash shrugged. "I think so, yeah. You sure have changed a lot since then. I remember Mikey dragging this skinny, geeky, little runt of a kid to one of our rehearsals. When he told me that you could play piano, and were really good at it, I thought he was joking. Hell, you only looked like you were about twelve."
"I was fifteen." Rick said softly.
"Yeah, that's right. You ran away from that group home and Mikey found you. Man you were a messed up kid back then."
Rick sighed as he thought about the past. Mikey had saved his life back then, but he was a different person now. He was cold, bitter, and always angry. Mikey lashed out at everyone around him, he took some kind of sick pleasure in hurting those he claimed to care about. Rick figured he was partly to blame for Mikey's change in demeanor. He and Mikey had been close once. Mikey was like an older brother to Rick, and Rick worshiped the ground he walked on. That all changed though when Rick was seventeen.
There was a side of Mikey that not many knew about at the time. He'd come from an abusive home. His parents were always fighting and his dad was always drunk. When Dale was around he protected Mikey from his father's rage, but Dale was always in trouble, and he spent more time in jail than he did at home. With Dale gone, Mikey got the full force of his father's assault.
Rick had seen the after math of the beatings that Mikey took more than once. Mikey would laugh and play it off like it was no big deal, but Rick saw past that. He hated that Mikey was hurt, and he hated Mikey's dad for hurting him, but what could he do? Rick was just a kid after all. Still, he tried to be there for his friend. He tried to comfort him and let him know that he wasn't alone. That's when things changed between them. Mikey changed. He wanted more from Rick than Rick had to offer.
At first, Rick just dismissed Mikey's advances, even laughed them off. Mikey was persistent though. He wanted Rick, and he wasn't shy about letting him know it.
Rick didn't feel the same way about Mikey. He loved him, but not in the way that Mikey wanted. Over time Mikey became more possessive of Rick. It made Rick feel uncomfortable. Even Trash had told Mikey to cool it and leave him alone, but he couldn't. He was becoming obsessed, and Rick just didn't know what to do about it.
When Mikey had turned nineteen he'd saved enough money to move out and get his own place. It was a small one bedroom apartment, but it was nice. Rick stayed there a lot. The cops would find him, and take him back to the group home, but he would just run away again and end up back at Mikey's. It went on like this for a while and for awhile, things were good. Mikey would usually allow Rick to sleep in his bed and he'd take the couch.
One night though, after some heavy drinking, Mikey crawled in bed with Rick. Rick woke up, startled to find Mikey kissing him and touching him. Rick was furious. He jumped up and out of the bed, screaming at Mikey, which led to the two of them getting into a huge fight and Rick storming out.
He went over to Trash's place that night and asked if he could stay there. When he told him what had happened with Mikey, Trash was more than willing to help Rick out. He felt sorry for Rick because he was so upset, and he was also pissed off at Mikey for taking things so far.
The next day Mikey came to Trash's place, figuring Rick was there, and tried to apologize. Rick was still angry though, as well as humiliated. He pushed Mikey into a wall and told him he hated him. Mikey was stunned. He tried to explain how he felt about Rick but Rick didn't want to hear it. He told Mikey that he was a sick pervert, and he was done with him. Something snapped inside of Mikey then. He pinned Rick against the wall and raised his fist but Trash pulled him back before he could hit him.
Rick sunk to the floor, crying, and yelled at Mikey to leave. He told him he never wanted to see him again, that being near him made him sick. Rick could remember the look in Mikey's eyes. He was shocked, but also hurt. Mikey left, figuring he would give Rick time to cool down. He hoped that after a few days Rick would forgive him, and things would be good between them again. Rick was ready to leave the band that day but Trash talked him out of it.
Being a mediator between the two, Trash managed to smooth things over to some degree, but Rick and Mikey were never as close as they had once been. Rick always kept him at arm's length and he refused to ever be alone with him again.
Rick knew what kind of man Mikey was, and he knew very well what he was capable of. Even Trash didn't know the whole truth about what had happened that night, and that was something Rick greatly regretted never telling him. If he had, things might have been different. Avery might not have been hurt, and Rick wouldn't have felt like shit about it.
Rick clasped his hands together in his lap like he was praying. He looked down, studying his fingers. "We've been through a lot together, wouldn't you say?"
Trash narrowed his eyes some, becoming a bit suspicious. "Yeah, I guess we have."
"You've always been there for me, always had my back. I've really appreciated that. I know I can always depend on you, no matter what."
"Rick, what's going on man? You're not dying on me or something are you?"
Rick looked up. He made a face and chuckled. "No, I'm not dying. It's just...there's something I need to tell you, something about Avery. I don't think he would say anything to you but in case he did, I wanted you to hear it from me first. I don't want any secrets between us."
"Oh...kay..." Trash looked worried now. He had no clue what Rick was talking about, but it didn't sound good. As far as he knew everything was fine; if there was something seriously wrong with Avery, Rick would have told him sooner. At least, that what Trash thought. So what was the big secret?
Rick took a deep breath, exhaled, and then ran his fingers through his hair. He didn't expect this to be so damn hard to say. Trash was a great guy, one of Rick's best friends in fact. He shouldn't be scared to tell him anything, but he was. In fact, he was terrified. He didn't even know where to begin or what to say. Trash was staring at him with a troubled expression. Rick had to say something; he couldn't put it off any longer. He lit another cigarette and then took a deep, long, hit off of it, blowing the smoke out into a billowy cloud that hung in the air between the two of them.
"Lately, I've started having these thoughts. Well, more like feelings...for Avery. I think they started right after he and Mikey broke up. When Ave came by my place and he was so upset. I stayed up with him all night. I didn't really know what I was feeling at the time, I've always cared about him but something changed. I guess you could say I started to see him in a different way. I didn't feel like a big brother anymore." He glanced down at the cigarette between his fingers. The red ember glowed brightly as it burned through the dried leaves and paper. The smell of mint and nicotine permeated the air. He continued.
"These feelings became stronger after Brian showed up. I started getting really angry every time Avery brought up his name. After awhile I started to think that maybe I was a little jealous. Then, after Mikey assaulted Avery, I found myself in this really dark place. I was so angry, I wanted to kill Mikey, still do, but that's beside the point. I was just really pissed off and I wanted to hurt Mikey so bad. After the fight it suddenly dawned on me why I felt this way; why I was so angry, why I was so protective of Avery, and why I couldn't get him off my mind..."
Trash sat back, staring at Rick, eyes wide. "You're in love with him."
Rick just couldn't bring himself to look Trash in the eyes, so he kept his gaze fixed on the floor, and silently nodded his head in affirmation. He wasn't ashamed, and he wasn't exactly embarrassed. He just wasn't sure how Trash was going to react to him admitting that he was in love with another man. As it was, his emotions were all jumbled up and he was still so confused. He felt like everything in his life had suddenly been flipped upside down and turned around. In all the mixed emotions, confusion, and changes in his life, Rick had held onto the fact that Trash was always there, always the same. He was the firm ground on which Rick stood and he just didn't want to lose his footing.
"Wow." Trash stroked his goatee, something he often did when he was nervous, or just lost for words. He didn't know what to say. It was a shock to be sure. Given Rick's past with Mikey, he was the last person that Trash had ever expected to be involved romantically with another guy.
"So...does this mean you're gay too?" Trash wasn't sure if that was the right thing to ask.
He didn't know the proper etiquette for this type of situation, so he just asked the first question that popped into his head.
Rick shrugged his shoulders, still unable to look up. "No, I know I'm not gay. I like women, and I don't think I've ever actually been physically attracted to a guy before. What I feel for Avery isn't about attraction, or sex. It's more like I fell in love with his soul. I think he's gorgeous, I won't lie to you, but it really has nothing to do with his gender. I know it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but that's just how I feel."
