Artie
Midterms started the week after we got back from our camping trip, so we studied for a solid ten days straight. Camping was a dream but coming back to a mountain of review material was a rude, rude awakening. I barely got any sleep. If it weren't for Miles, I probably wouldn't have ever left the dorm let alone eaten or exercised. He, on the other hand, had no problem grinding himself into the ground and then waking up the next day with a bright smile and a fresh attitude.
I kind of appreciated the distraction. I don't know if it was the pot or what, but ever since that last night camping every moment I wasn't occupying myself my brain rehashed the weird moments with Miles.
Who was I kidding? That was already happening. Camping was great, perfect even, but there was this niggling feeling in the back of my mind at all times. And it only got worse when he was around.
Laying in bed that last night, with the laptop in front of me, I should have been focusing on the movie. Instead, all I could think about was how good it felt to lie with Miles. The way his heavy arm pressed me to him, the way his chest rose and fell, the way he smelled. It shouldn't have felt so good.
I started sleeping in my bed for I think the first time since Miles moved in. I thought it would help. The mental exhaustion from studying all day, every day, would knock me out by the end of the night.
But now with midterms over I just lie in my bed, staring at the ceiling, scrutinizing myself.
********
I hate how Miles smells.
Or should I say: I hate how much I like how Miles smells.
He made a comment before bed the last night in the tent, about how he was "ripe" or whatever. It didn't even cross my mind. That night, stoned off my face with him wrapped around me, I couldn't escape it. Ever since I can't help but notice it. It's on my clothes, it's in my hair, it's all over our room. It's OUR room. It should smell like both of us, right? Nope, just Miles. Everywhere.
I don't even know how to describe his smell. He smells like Miles.
His scent puts me at ease. At the end of the day when I walk into the room, it's like a comforting blanket is immediately thrown over me. The way he smells shouldn't make me feel this good. Ever since that night, I'm hyper-aware of it. It's like a high and every time I indulge in it I feel guiltier and guiltier.
********
"And you sat on his lap."
I dropped my head and twiddled my thumbs.
"Yeah."
"And he told you he loves you?"
"Yeah."
I sunk even further down in Conner's gaming chair. I had just given him the rundown of Miles and I's trip.
"Artie..."
"I know! Okay? I know."
I didn't need him to rub it in my face. Stop putting yourself in compromising positions, I remember what he said. It just... Happens without a second thought. And I hadn't even mentioned Miles' comment while we were swimming.
"There's something else too, isn't there?"
How the frick could he know?
"No." I denied.
He was going to chew me out, I could just feel it.
"Artie, c'mon. I know we just started hanging out but I ALSO know you can't lie to save your life."
I sighed. I need to work on my poker face.
"He said this thing while we were swimming, that 'the ladies must love my dick' or something." I imitated Miles like he was some d-baggy frat guy but he really doesn't sound like that. Most of the time.
"What." He said as a statement, not a question.
"How did he see your dick?" He asked in the flattest tone.
It didn't sound very good in my head, so I knew it would sound even worse out loud. But Conner's right, I can't lie to save my life.
"We were skinny dippi-"
"Artie!"
I plugged my ears and made as much noise with my mouth as I could. Yes, I was behaving like a petulant child, but I don't like being reprimanded. Sue me.
Conner walked over to me and pulled both my hands off of my ears. I squinted up at him awaiting the onslaught.
"That's weird." He intonated slowly and firmly.
"I don't even think it is!" I threw out.
"I made it weird. I should care about what the 'ladies' think about my junk. I should be able to be naked around Miles. I should be able to relate to him in that way, be his 'bro' and have 'bro talk' or whatever."
Conner slowly sat down across from me and looked me dead in the eye.
"I think my therapist would tell you that's problematic thinking."
I just rolled my eyes and sighed.
********
Halloween happened, which at our school meant four nights of partying. Halloweekend, they called it. I wasn't really feeling up to it. Leading up to Halloween I didn't even bother coming up with a costume. I think Miles tried to rub his festive mood off on me but he knew deep down I wasn't going to change my mind.
I thought having a few nights alone would be good for me. I thought I'd just sit at my desk, do some schoolwork, and take my mind off of Miles for at least an hour or two.
Instead, I just laid in bed trying to sleep and failing miserably, listening to everyone in the dorm get drunk.
I wish that was what was keeping me up.
It wasn't shame about being attracted to a guy, not anymore at least.
Maybe a little.
I felt guilty lying to Miles. What he saw in me was a best friend and I was secretly lusting after him like some perv. It was like every nice thing he went out of his way to do was just another reason he was too good of a friend for me. I felt like I didn't deserve him. especially after everything he did to keep me on track.
Staying away made it better... And worse.
