I was with Gabriel for 3 months. I worked on the B&B, it was shaping up beautifully and we picked up low cost but very classy décor, upholstery and furnishing. It was almost ready to be put on Airbnb and other listings. Some of the nights were dreamless but I did dream of my saviour, of him hugging me and kissing my forehead and telling me I am with him and safe and calling me baby.
I and Larry had become best friends, the only person after Gabriel to know my story which I told him after the panic attack. When we were almost done with the outhouse project, I suggested to arrange a celebratory dinner. Gabriel got what I needed from the market and Larry brought their taco shell maker. I cooked a pot full of taco meat and sauce, shredded cheese, shredded lettuce, chopped tomatoes, diced red onion, and handmade guacamole. Gabriel helped me in the kitchen for chopping and shredding, and entertained the guys with soft drinks and beer, everyone watching a game. When we took the food to the TV room, I realised I was entering it for the first time.
I had taken multiple tests within 18, 45 and 90 days for being exposed to unprotected sex. Every time I gave the test, I had night terrors of the night it happened. It took multiple forms but it was always the same scenario but never the barn, it was always the street. And every time I was held and calmed by the dream saviour, brushing my hair, kissing my forehead and holding me, intoxicating me with the scent. Good thing all results were negative.
On the 90th day when I was at the hospital waiting for the last test and Gabriel was filling some forms at the reception, I felt someone staring at me. I skipped a beat, knowing before even looking at the direction who it was. I looked left and outside the sliding glass door was Liam. He looked haggard and dishevelled with overgrown hair and a beard but it was him. He winked at me, smiling his evil crooked smile and gestured shooting me, mouthing "BANG BANG BITCH!" before he disappeared. I wasn't able to breathe, I could smell his bad breath and body odour, his touch, the pain and the humiliation. Gabriel found me in a state of panic and he had to call a nurse to help me. He called Detective Hale and informed him of the incident.
I was on the 16th street again, in the van cowering in the corner after being forced to give a blow job to Liam, my head spinning because of the way he pulled my hair and my jaw and cheeks paining for being held forcefully and slapped repeatedly by Yuri. I was pushed off the van by Yuri and I vomited on the sidewalk crying. "See you at Prom, Bitch! Get waxed and primed up to lose your virginity" Liam shouted as he walked to the driver's seat, Yuri laughing in the background and they drove off. I started sobbing loudly, "What did I do to deserve this?" I want to go to the prom too. I want to go with someone who likes me and will hold me and take a picture holding me from behind, both of us laughing for being so corny. "I WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PERSON, I WANT TO TOUCH AND BE TOUCHED BECAUSE I WANT IT AND NOT LIKE THIS. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL DIRTY AND UNTOUCABLE. I WANT TO BE HELD AND KISSED. THEN WHY THIS, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS. DON'T I DESERVE A PROM, A DATE AND A KISS?" I was screaming in my sleep, half conscious afraid to open my eyes and see them in a van or smoking in the corner. I slowly got aware of the hands holding me, I hid my face in his chest and cried, the scent making me want to not let go. This was not some dream, this was real and he was real. He had been holding me every night as I cried and screamed and wet my bed. He held me when I was reliving the worst moments of my life and making me believe it wasn't him in the morning and letting me clutch to whatever little dignity I had left.
I cried because I was filthy and dirty and not worth the respect and support he was giving me, I cried because I was broken and unworthy of the love I felt for him, my body used and soiled but I wanted him to touch me and like it. I shouldn't have woken up tonight because more than one dream was getting broken.
"I want to touch you baby, I want you and I want to hold you. I want to kiss you if you let me. Sky baby! It's me, look at me. I want you to know it's me, Gabs. I want you to see me as I kiss you and tell you that I love you."
He laced his fingers in my hair and raised my head to look at him, but he didn't pull it or grab my head as I expected, he was gentle with me, holding it lightly, just moving his hands slightly and letting me raise my head if I wanted to. I did and opened my eyes, his didn't shine in the dark like monsters and they were still green and beautiful. He was looking at me without any malice and hatred like my attackers or pity and disappointment like me, but with something else... something nice.
"It's me", he said and kissed me lightly on my lips. I was touched, abused for years and raped but never been kissed. My lips were dirty, they had touched their skins. Gabriel was nice and unpolluted unlike me. I shouldn't touch him and stain him. I recoiled and moved away from him.
"Don't touch me, I am dirty. I am worthless, a little bitch!" I covered my face and cried feeling guilty for holding him and using him to feel comforted and safe.
"Don't Baby. Please don't say such things. You are the best thing that happened to me." He got on the bed and waited for me.
"I want to be happy but don't know how and not sure if I deserve it and I don't want to drag you into this freak show life of mine more than I already have" I stopped him to come closer.
