Eventually something had to give.
A night ago I broke down and decided to talk to Jessica about some of my frustrating feelings. I told her about the jealousy. I told her I missed my friend. I told her my insecurity that he was better for her than me and how I was scared he would take her from me. I even told her that I thought about him kissing me and that it had happened before, a long time ago, though I didn't give much more detail on that front. I also begged her to stop letting him do my chores and how useless I felt because I'd come home and wouldn't be needed the way I was used to. I was extremely open and honest compared to how I usually was. Normally I kept everything bottled up inside. I felt like if I let anything out, anything at all, I wouldn't recover and I'd need to be babied by my wife again. I couldn't let myself go back to that but I also couldn't hold everything in anymore. It was making me feel too sick to continue on the way I was.
I was so grateful to her when she was gentle with me and actually tried to understand. It helped but even so, I did keep a few things to myself. I didn't mention the pain I was in when I watched Jessica and Nicky behave intimately. I didn't mention how I was harboring terribly secret, passionate, possibly romantic, feelings for Nicky. I failed to mention how I was realizing that my heart always had a special place that belonged to him or how the more I saw of him, the more I wanted from him. I didn't tell her that I sometimes wondered if he could make sex not hurt for me, though I was far from wanting to actually try, I did wonder.
It was hard not to when I saw them fuck so often and Jessica always made it seem so enjoyable. Though my curiosity did nothing to quell the deep-seated fears I developed from my own horrific experiences so long ago. I couldn't tell her about any of that. I felt so guilty and angry at myself for having non-platonic interest in Nicky and I didn't want to hurt my wife. I'd convinced myself that living in my self-made prison was somehow more righteous than accepting that I could be possibly be homosexual but still I questioned myself.
It wasn't gay to let some other man fuck your wife.. was it? I still had a wife at the end of the day. If she forced me to lick his cum or maybe.. more.. then was that gay?? I didn't have a choice if she made me so it couldn't be, could it? What if she made us kiss? Was that gay? What about if I wanted to kiss him back.. what if I wanted to kiss him more than I wanted to kiss her? Was it then? I could be just bored. My wife was the only other person I ever slept with after that summer. I'd been married for years so.. no.. yes? I didn't know and it didn't matter because I wasn't gay!
Just because my body really liked Nicolas that didn't mean anything. It just didn't. It's not like I felt this way with any of my wives other lovers. It was only Nicky that made me hard and desperate and wonderfully miserable. That had to simply mean that I wanted my best friend back or maybe it was a trauma response? It didn't matter. My brain was just a little fried from seeing him naked so often. It was safe and okay to want a friend in my life. That didn't make me gay.
I did not did discuss my growing self concerns with my wife. I knew Jessica would immediately insist that maybe yes, I was gay after all, and then I'd have to deal with it and any fallout. I was tired of hearing that suspicion from her and I was tired of forcefully denying it. I felt sick over that question and I was starting to lose sleep over it because now I couldn't stop asking myself. I didn't want to be this way or feel what I was feeling right now and I didn't want to put a label on it because how could I be gay if I still enjoyed pleasing my wife? Just because I couldn't fuck her or stay hard.. but that was normal for me. It didn't mean anything.
I didn't know what I was anymore but I didn't want the responsibility of acting on what I felt. I wasn't ready for any of that. The pain of that summer still controlled everything about me. Including how I thought of myself and how I felt Nicky would see me, if I ever succumbed to my perversions.
In the end, I didn't ask her to stop cucking me with him. I just couldn't do it, even if I had that intention at first. For, though I hated it, I still wanted to see it all play out. Though it hurt, I wanted my cock to ache with jealousy. I wanted to feel attraction. I wanted to feel bone aching need and breathtaking desire. I knew I couldn't actually handle participating the way I sometimes wondered about but at least I could see it. It had been so long since I felt those things and I didn't know that I missed the feelings until they came back.
I also wanted to experience those frequent, premature though they were, orgasms from tasting Nicky's cum. His presence made me feel just as good physically as bad mentally. Our painful arrangement benefited me so much more than any of Jessica's other games or lovers ever had, which was part of the problem. That's why it hurt so much more. As much as I wanted it to stop, I also couldn't bare for it to. I couldn't have Nicky leave m-us to be replaced by some other man; though it gave me crippling anxiety to think about him replacing me to be with my wife. Despite the risk, I still didn't want him going anywhere but my house, so instead I remained a mess inside my head. One who couldn't make sense of their own conflicting desires and what those feelings meant for me going forward.
To be honest, I thought Jessica would be angry with me for feeling anything at all and that was one of the reasons I waited so long to speak up. I didn't want the person who was normally in my corner to be mad at me. Thankfully though, she wasn't angry at all but she was concerned and I didn't like that either. I didn't want her to worry about me or to pity me. I wanted her to be happy.
I just wished that what was making her happy wasn't stealing Nicky away from me. It was a silly thing to feel but the feeling was a constant weight on my chest. I knew that wasn't what she was doing, just as I knew that he wasn't mine to take. Plus, I already had someone so I really was just being ridiculous. My wife wasn't my competition. Jessica was even clear that her and Nicky had no romantic interest in each other. To them it was just sex. Good sex but nothing more. She also promised again that she wasn't leaving me for anyone. Still my relationship felt unstable like, maybe they would just ditch me one day because I was dragging them down with my inferior presence. I couldn't let the fear go when I constantly saw their chemistry together. They really did make a beautiful couple.
When Jessica asked me what would help, I asked if she would mind if I was a little more active when they were together. If it would be okay if I was closer to or even on the bed and if they wouldn't mind touching me sometimes. I asked to be kissed by her more. I asked if I could serve him too and maybe be kissed by him if he ever wanted that. I also asked her if she thought it was safe to break some of my rules or to maybe write new ones. The whole time I confessed my desires I felt a mix of emotions: shame, distress, fear, disgust. However, the most potent of these was longing. It's what kept me strong enough to admit to anything.
I expected her to reject my ideas as a preposterous solution or for her to accuse me of being unfaithful but Jessica was surprisingly sweet and encouraging. I was shocked, since this would be very new for both of us, slowly turning our experience into more of a threesome by the end of our plans, but I actually did feel a bit better after talking to her and knowing it was okay to want a little bit more. So here I was, acting as a footstool for my wife, just so I could slowly wade into the waters of more tactile intimacy between the two of them.
It was all rather pathetic. I'm not sure what I expected to happen, by being more involved, but I did hope it would bring Nicky and I closer, both physically and otherwise and I tried not to think too hard about what that meant. At this point, I couldn't stop myself from wanting him if I tried. All I truly wanted was to be closer to Nicky and for him to want me back without him turning me into a "broken little faggot".
"Nicolas, how are your feet doing?" My wife asked catching my attention.
They'd been making small talk for about twenty minutes now. I was expecting to be used as a piece of furniture by my wife until they retreated to the bedroom. That was the plan. So why was she asking him that?
"It would be nice to prop them up for a bit," Nicky replied causing me to look over at him just in time to catch his insufferable little wink.
Of course it made me blush.
"Arrastrarse hacia él," Jessica directed with a little nudge of her shoe.
I gulped nervously but obeyed the unexpected command and slowly crawled the short distance to Nicky's feet. I stopped in front of him and assumed the same tabletop position, submissively waiting for him to use me. The moment his shoes touched my back I felt chills break out across my skin and I'm pretty sure I gasped. He was touching me. Sure, the touch was limited, indirect, blocked by clothes and shoes, but it was happening. Just the touch of the heel of his shoe digging into my back felt so good.
I wanted to grovel for more attention but I refused to do anything on a whim. Jessica planned our evening for tonight so I knew what to expect, well mostly I did. Serving Nicky like this wasn't on my agenda but I couldn't deny that I liked it and that this was a very good baby step for me. I liked the tiny moments where he dominated me and this was kind of like one, even if my wife had orchestrated it for us.
Unfortunately, the moment didn't last as long as I would have preferred, only another twenty minutes, though it was probably just as well. My knees were getting sore and my arms were tired but I would have stayed put until I collapsed if Nicky told me to. I didn't take the time to examine those feelings. I didn't want to think about how easy it would be to submit to more if he asked it of me. Although I'd probably have a mental breakdown later, which was why I kept holding back from him in the first place. Jessica had long ago given me permission to get as physical as I wanted during our interactions with others. I just never wanted to, until now, which she assured me I still had permission for. I wished it was easier for me to accept what I knew I wanted but I just couldn't reach out on my own.
Jessica changed the setting to the bedroom and once there, she handcuffed one of my wrists and then she attached the other cuff to the end of the bed. I was forced to stand right next to it with my bare thigh pressed against the side of the mattress. This was a first for me, not being handcuffed by the bed but having it happen while someone else was here. I felt quite vulnerable knowing I was trapped and within close proximity of what was about to happen but I did feel better. It was nicer than being left in the corner even if it was less comfortable to stand. Jessica gave me a small peck on the lips once I was in place and then she told Nicky to sit down next to where I was standing.
He listened and sat very close. So close that I could feel his leg hair against my smooth skin. I sucked in a nervous breath, unused to having a man this close to my cock again. It was mildly terrifying. I knew if he wanted to, he could reach under my skirt and violate me and I'd probably let him. I mean, it's not like I could or would fight him off.
My cock wasn't locked up for this and I wasn't wearing tights. I only had my skirt and an incredibly skimpy pair of panties to protect me because I was trying to be more bold but covertly. It would be so easy for him to take advantage of me or even hurt me. The thing was, Jessica made sure to inform Nicky of my rules before she ever tied me up in front of him the first time, so I knew he probably wouldn't do anything like that. Still, the terror that he'd could mixed with the hope that he might be so tempted that he just had to touch me persisted.
Nicky looked up, made eye contact with me, and then he smiled. I felt like my heart skipped a beat in response and got lost in his eyes. They were so enchanting. I could look into them for hours if he let me.
