We reach an age, at our own pace, when retrospection, current events, and our personal timelines begin to clash. This is a difficult time to live through, for regrets and sorrow come out of hiding like destructive tsunami waves. Charting a steady course now is difficult. Yet we, I, got here as a traveler on the wrong road; and I am through with drowning. The right path exists. I have a duty, to myself, to find it.
"Fuck age. It's just a number. It really is." Nathan sounds supportive; I like that.
"That's how I feel, Nathan; but I had some deep reservations about how someone else would react...or no one." It's our first phone conversation. He asked for this right after responding to my gay singles dating profile. Said he did not want to waste time in waiting to hear my voice. Now time is ticking as I wait for his response.
"I bit. One's enough, right?!" I let out an uncontrolled chuckle. "The only reservation I have with you is for dinner on me this Saturday at seven. Good?" Smiling translates into the voice. I hope he notices in my reply.
"Yes. Good. Text me the details, please. Thank you, Nathan."
"For what?
"For being real."
After a few more sentences, we break off the chat. I am euphoric. Settle down, Michael. Although I have only made failed attempts at connection along the way...this may or may not be different, right? But it sure is nice to feel wanted! I have three days to think about all of this before our first face-to-face meeting. Let's get busy!
"It looks good on you." Salesmen. To trust or not to trust, that is the question. I should have brought my friend Linda with me.
"Thanks. I'll be back this afternoon."
"It sounds promising, Michael. how old is he?" Linda knows I am gay. We had been friends forever before she started to make suggestive advances a few months ago. I finally knew it was time to come out to her, for her sake and for mine. She took it well - told me she assumed...but did not want to pry. Linda is a good egg; old fashioned with a modern twist. I trust her friendship completely.
"Sixty eight. Six years younger than me. Am I robbing the cradle, Lin?" Laughter.
"Absolutely. Go for it." Billy Joel sang about Linda in 'Only The Good Die Young'. I mean that in a good way. She was married once. A real progressive lady.
"I wish I had your confidence."
"You do. You just need to believe it."
Part 2 -
Linda helped me pick out an outfit for Saturday. Her own 'look' is conservative. I valued that. No way did I want to look like I was trying too hard. So the slacks are tight in all the right places - I do have a nicely rounded ass - but no stretch fabric, or skin-tight legs. We chose a window pane dress shirt, my favorite, in a tailored cut. Traditional cuts are just too sloppy looking for my build.
"Michael. I would be glowing if you were my date dressed like this."
"Thanks, Lin." We share a 'hug of friendship', and I'm off to work on...other things.
Self-confidence left me completely, at too young an age. It was crushed by a PTSD type experience that I could not correctly process at the time. My ability to feel accepted, loved, and 'good-enough' never had a chance to develop properly. I do not want that to come across when I meet Nathan. I did not lie about my age in my online profile, but I also did not include everything about my mental state...my life-long disabilities. We'll see how this goes.
"Real leather dress shoes. He must be something." David is my go-to guy for shoes. I'm usually in Sketchers.
"Don't know yet, D. First date." He puts on a faux astonished grin.
"Oh...Okay. Details. Remember everything." I nod.
The mirror does not lie. I (think I) look good. My young-at-heart attitude, at least around others, has gifted me with a rather ageless, for my age, physical appearance - if that makes any sense to you. My face is without major wrinkles. My body has its issues...but my posture, gait, muscle tone and overall appearance is that of a much younger man. No judgements.
"Michael. You look great! We have a table in the corner." Nathan and I just shared a bro hug, which we had earlier agreed to, so as not to feel awkward about what to do at first meet. Observations: he has a mustache, which I adore on a man. He does not color it or his hair, which is salt and pepper alluring. (My hair keeps its 'natural' color with the help of a monthly box from Garnier) He is just a tad shorter than me - an inch or so. Good. I am most comfortable around men who are either my height or shorter. He and I both fill out our look nicely - no overhanging bellies (no judgements). I have lusted for quite a few 'large' men in my day... unfortunately never had the opportunity to be bedded by one. I have only been bedded by - one man - ever.
"Really? Sorry." We agreed to talk openly. His hand is on mine. Here come my issues. "So I'm dating a...near virgin?" He is laughing, politely." I am with him - not feeling rejected, or humiliated in any way.
"I know where things go, Nathan. And I have my preferences."
